ramblings of a metaphysical metamorphosis

I'm Baaaaaaaack!

2007-10-13T08:27:00.000-07:00

Yes, folks... it's true.

2007-01-22T17:58:00.000-08:00

Holy Cow (and other mysteries)

2006-12-11T18:15:00.000-08:00

Bev - yes, we are almost out for the holidays!!! Can you believe we've made it through our first semester!?!?!? :0)

WOW. Things are crazy as ususal. I hope to sit down and write ALOT over the holidays... we'll see if that happens or not. I love my kids at school. They are SOOOOOO awesome - it's the adults that are hard to deal with.

Speaking of kids, everyone and I mean EVERYONE has been asking us when we're going to have children... are you kidding!?!?! Mark's brother Toby even asked the other day.... good gravy people.

I love our new house and the dogs AND MOST especially - MY HUSBAND. He's fabulous. It's really kind of funny because I've never met anyone who makes me laugh like he does, who I feel myself around, who I can cry with, and who makes me SOOOOOO stinkin' mad. :0) It's great. I didn't know you could be so mad a someone and then make up and everything be o.k. (O.k., so I may be alittle strange, so sue me.)

I've posted some pics (because pictures really do say 1,000) words). We took our dynamic duo (i.e. the dogs) with us to my greatgrandmother's house at Thanksgiving. They stayed with us at the hotel in town. I had laryngitis for a week (I've NEVER had that before, it was so weird) and then got SICK as a dog off the medicine they gave me (NO MORE HYDROCODONE FOR ME). Anyhoo, we had a good road trip regardless and the dogs were great. They sat in their seatbelts like champs. Yes, we bought seat belts. I have visions of 50 pound dogs flying through us and the front wind shield in the event of a wreck... so seatbelts it was.

I seem to be struggling with a lot of stuff lately. Mostly churchy type things. I love doing children's worship with our church on Sunday... but other than that I just feel kind of pointless and unfamiliar. I know now why people don't convert easily. It's like being in another country - even when you do believe the same things.

Well, I love you guys (even though I'm terrible at keeping this up lately... I never seem to have much time for myself and when I do have time I crash.) Hope everything is going well for everyone. We're going to walk the dogs so I'll check everyone's blog later on...

Well, pics won't post so I'll try again later.

So happy together...

2006-11-03T15:23:00.000-08:00

A hard day's night...

2006-11-02T19:37:00.000-08:00

Soooooo... it's been awhile. Yeah. I didn't realize it has been two months since I posted... and I wonder why I don't have "close" blogging buddies. Hmmmm. Anyhoo, here's an update for those interested:

1) Job is good. I'm taking classes to get my alternative certification AND teaching at the same time. Kinda crazy but it's cool.

2) We have a new dog. Yeah. He's really cute. Mark wanted a new dog as soon as we moved into the new house (which, we're here now). We found the pitt puppy at the Rowlett Animal Shelter and Mark named him Charlie. I'll have to post pics. Sydney is a little jealous - he has stolen her bed and is taking medicine because he's sick. I think she feels like she's not getting enough attention. I always thought that people who talked about their dogs like they were their kids were weird, but when it's all you have at home, I guess it makes sense in a weird, not-so-weird kind of way. Keeping these two out of trouble and both happy is a full-time job. At least we don't have to change their diapers. ;0)

3) Brando, Beef, Mark and I went to the State Fair of Texas the last weekend it was open. It was alot of fun. Mark and I played a few carnival games - which I had never done before. AND he won two stuffed animals for me. I felt like we were in a movie. It was alot of fun and I am still amazed at how wonderful marriage can be. And yes people, I know I don't deserve any of it.

4) Speaking of not deserving... I have been struggling lately with a lot of mental/emotional stuff - I guess that it would be considered baggage. I have vivid memories and conversations in my head that I thought were forgotten... when I remember these things it knocks the breath out of me and sends my head into a tornado of thoughts - most of them terrible.

5) The youth group at church is good. I am struggling somewhat with being a "pastor's wife" - whatever the heck that means. I wish I knew another minister's wife to talk to. I have considered talking to our preacher's wife, but we never seem to have the opportunity. I should just give it a try. I really struggle with some things... but I can't talk to anyone about them because it involves the church and they are the church! Crazy... yes, I'm a lunatic.

6) I have had several very meaningful blog entries floating around in my head. I have often wished that my brain could be a typewriter (just because I like the stamping noise) when I need it to be, my thoughts would dictate and my brain would record. Ah... how nice it would be. I might have several novels of stuff... that would be fun to piece together and sell.

7) I don't know that I do anything for myself. I haven't played my cello in ages, I don't sing at church really anymore (cause it's always in WAY too high of a key and I am still learning all the words to the songs anyway), I don't play basketball.... what do I do for me? I have 11 unfinished books started and have no desire to read any of them because they are all spiritual or self-help type books. They drive me crazy. I always think I'll start one and like it and it's only inevitable that I start one and never finish.

8) Three of my dearest friends from college are pregnant. Wow. My best friend, Bekah, is getting married November 18. Things are good in all of our lives and I am greatful. All the talk about baby stuff scares me though. I know I'm going to have terrible problems and I found out a good friend from high school got pregnant and when she and her husband went for their first sonogram there was no heartbeat. When I received the email from my mom, my stomach lurched and dropped. That's terrible and it makes me very afraid.

9) Well, I'm out for now. I've been getting to bed by around 9:30 pm most nights and looking at the time now, it's past my bedtime.

More later...

Now that we have a house... we'll have the Sydney-Wydney in 24 days!!! Glory, glory HALLELUJAH!

2006-09-12T17:07:00.000-07:00

My FIRST classroom... du duDU DAH!

2006-09-12T16:55:00.000-07:00

Here's my FIRST classroom! There's been some changes since these pictures from the first week of school - but this is the gist of it anyway.

My door has 3-D foam letters (which everyone keeps telling me won't last the year) but the special education helping teacher for the district LOVED them!!! Wooo whooo! I think they're great - they make me happy!

I love my huge multi-colored alphabet and my blue chalk boards and my Fossil clock (it's on my desk and multicolored as well.)

AND... the flowers on the desk (look real close) are from my fabulous husband who sent me flowers on the first day of school! How thoughtful is that!?!? He's WONDERFUL. ;) The best husband in the WORLD!!!!

Our house - is a very, very, very fine house!

2006-09-12T16:44:00.000-07:00

Soooooooooooooooooo... we have a closing date on a house. WOW. We're going to OWN a house! Holy cow. We decided to go ahead and buy a house since we're going to be here for at least five years... so here we are and here's our BRAND NEW house! (I've never lived in a never-lived-in house before... this should be an adventure.)

Random thoughts from the disorganized filing cabinet that would be my brain...

2006-08-30T15:43:00.000-07:00

I love Sydney. She is the best dog - and so was Cuddles. But Sydney was a personal decision, not a family one like Cuddles. She is so sweet and huggable (just watch out for the flat head, she'll give you a bloody nose instead of a good wet kiss). I miss her ALOT. I hope we get into a house soon so I can have my snuggle muffin back. We had alot of fun we when took her on the 8 hour car trip to my parents house. I took lots of fun retarted pictures. Sydney was so cute. Oy. I miss her.

There's alot going on. New, new, new, new, new stuff with my awesome new school job... it's just alot to take in at once. I'm grappling as best I can. I'm sure next semester will be much smoother sailing, but it's a learning process you know. I'm enjoying it. I think my brain is in shock since it hasn't had to work this hard in a year and a half (I can't count the time I studied for the GRE... math always hurst my brain.)

I know why that lady in Colorado (or wherever it was) killed her husband who was the pastor of a church. It makes perfect since to me (yeah, that's sounds weird but I bet that if you ask any preacher's wife or youth minister's wife they would agree). Similarly related, one of my best girl friends works for a huge church. They have an ENORMOUS children's ministry program. She gets bad looks and talks in the boss' office when she leaves at 5:30 pm on some days. They only have one day off a week due to Saturday night church. Her boss told her that she was making excuses and slacking off. Most of the time (and this is pretty much every day with the exception of three days a month) the staff is up at the building until 9 or 10 pm. That's ridiculous. Have you people missed the point entirely? Sheesh...

My brain is so full now, I have to dump excess. I have about 20 running lists in my head and I can't seem to get any but a part of each of them written down on scraps of paper here and there. When I need to add to the list or change I can't seem to find the scrap of paper. It's really irritating and highly frustrating. And if I have another training in the next month I think I'll go nuts. I have already had to call two subs due to days I had to be at training. I have several videos to watch (to make up for the time I missed during new teacher orientation cause I wasn't hired yet) and a TON of paperwork to get to HR. It seems that every second of every day there is a deadline. I'm so tired when I come home - just from the newness of it all. My mom must feel this overwhelmed all the time - working two full time jobs and all.

It sucks to come home and have to do laundry and cook dinner and then do the dishes so the tiny kitchen won't smell in the morning or have bugs crawling everywhere. M is a help, but it is still overwhelming.

When we went to Artesia a few weekends ago my family had an early birthday party for me. It was the best ever! We had punch and everything!!! It was just us and that was especially cool. We're supposed to go to H-town this weekend to see Mark's parents (even though we've seen them countless times this summer) to celebrate my birthday and my father-in-laws. Mine is the day before his. Anyhoo - I love my family but I don't want to go. If it was just going to be us that would be fine, but it's not. Another family (and one who acted like a fool at our wedding and lost his temper) will be there also. Apparently, they've taken family vacations together for years and whatnot. So really, it has nothing to do with my birthday that we're going down there, it's just an excuse for the other family to make the five hour drive, even though we hardly know each other (me and them that is.) Really, this has nothing to do with my wonderful in-laws - it has to do with othe crap but anyhoo. I'm entitled to feel how I feel so there.

So I have a myspace. Ok, I set one up before I really knew what it was and I haven't checked it in a month (it usually goes for longer than that) but I thought it would be cool to invite the kids from the youth group to be my "friend." The idea came into my head when one of the kids asked for my myspace so they could add me as a friend (I felt so honored that they would even consider it!). Needless to say, only the one who asked for my myspace accepted me as a friend. Even the girls that I am getting to know (or thought I was) didn't accept me! I feel like it's high school all over again. Being rejected on myspace sucks. So, I'm going to delete it.

Well, it's about time for me to head to the iglesia. Peace out.

2006-08-14T15:23:00.000-07:00

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I'm stoked about school. Have much to do before the end of the week... my classroom is barren so that's a HUGE priority. I'll post more details and pics of my room at the end of the week. Y'all are awesome for keeping me in your prayers. God is good (he can't help it, right?) and I'm glad I'm in the place he wants me to be!!!

Update

2006-08-07T09:29:00.000-07:00

Ok. We had our camp "presentation" at church yesterday. I'll post the video we made (anyone know now to do that???????)

The job thing is being worked out today. PLEASE pray I'll get it. They really want to hire me but there are some complications with the cert. program and whatnot - stuff we didn't find out til last Wednesday. Holy cow - it's been a roller coaster.

I really appreicate all your hope and prayers - keep it up. Hopefully by the end of the day I'll have a job!!! A REAL paying job!!!! A good one with great kids!!!!! BTW, it's a Resource teaching position at an elementary school (the kids who come to your room throughout the day for extra help with their subjects... it sounds SOOOOOO cool). I love the people there - they seem so great. We'll let God do his thing and see what happens...

In the meantime, I love you guys. Thanks for all your encouragement and support. Sorry I've only been popping in and out - but things are CRAZY right now. Will give details later.

Talk to you soon...

2006-07-26T05:08:00.000-07:00

Ok folks, just checking in to let you all know I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I've been sick for two weeks, worked the Dallas & Fort Worth Bridal Shows, worked my last day at BSI and am now at camp with the kids. Anyhoo - the only reason I have the opportunity to write this morning is cause I have an interview at 7:45 am with an elementary school. Kinda of a last minute thing - anyway, will post pics of camp next week and let you know how the interview turns out.

The Wreckers - "Stand Still, Look Pretty"

2006-07-12T12:58:00.000-07:00

From another time in my life:

"I want to paint my face
And pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up I don't even want to look at myself
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me
I have to say I wish I could start over
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty
Sometimes I find myself shaking
In the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
Even believe this is my life
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths
I'm not strong enough to deal with it"

Fun from the 4th

2006-07-12T11:59:00.000-07:00

FUNdraising!**

2006-07-06T10:03:00.000-07:00

So here's the deal: we have 20 kids who want to go to camp. Several of them have NEVER been to summer camp!! How crazy! We have two families at church that are having to pay for three of their kids to get to camp - $180 a kid (which is really cheap for one kid, but it adds up when you have three kids going.)

Our kids are working so hard to raise money (we had a student auction, they are cleaning up the church's land and they have all taken odd jobs to pay their way)... and the pennies do add up but we're far from the goal of what we need. So here's what I'm proposing: if any of you in this fabulous little blogosphere would like to tell your church about this opportunity or if you yoursevles would like to help a kid from Crossroads Church in Rowlett, Texas go to camp here's what you do...

1. Send a check (not cash obviously) to the following address: ATTN: Crossroads Youth C/O Mark Williams, 3984 Rowlett Rd. Apt. 132, Rowlett, TX 75088.

2. Make the check out to: "Crossroads Church" and in the memo write "youth camp."

3. If you have ANY questions about anything at all (our church, the kids, etc.), please email me at: angelfood_04@hotmail.com

A little info about some of the kids you would be helping*:

B - a middle school girl who LOVES horses... she is very sweet and can be outgoing when in her comfort zone. She loves to read and is working on writing several stories right now. She has never been to any camp before - church or secular, so she's really hoping to get the opportunity this year.

N - older brother to the previous mentioned "B," he plays guitar for our praise time with the youth on Wednesday nights. He is a super sweetheart - his heart is so big. He really cares for people on all levels.

D -also brother of "B" and "N," and he plays guitar as well on Wednesdays (he looks like Angus Young when he plays... it's really cool!) He can be really shy (I'm still getting to know him) but his eyes smile when his mouth does and he has a super cool head of crazy reddish-blonde hair. All the girls think it's "so hot." :)

BT - a high school girl who is so keen to what people's needs are. Her family hasn't been at the church long and so she is still trying to "get into the group" and make some friends. I think going to camp would be so good for her and the other girls - they would have a real chance to create some strong bonds. She is the oldest of four sisters... her younger sister E wants to go to camp as well.

*I don't want to write out their names and post them on the internet due to the fact that I don't have their parent's permission, so I'll use initials instead.
**No one knows I'm doing this, not even my husband and the reason I tell you all that is because I don't want anyone to think this is a cop-out for the kids because that's not it at all. Mark and I help where we can but that's not always enough, so this was the next best idea in mind. Our church has all of about 60 or 70 members and we've exhausted all resources there.

Time makes no difference to me...

2006-06-30T07:51:00.000-07:00

I had breakfast at Sonic this morning with my friend who lives in Utah - she ate breakfast at Sonic in Logan, Utah and I ate breakfast at Sonic in Addison, TX and we talked on the phone for 30 minutes. When she started eating breakfast it was 7:30 am. I started eating breakfast at 8:30 am.

The wonders of technology.

It was like old times again. We used to dig up change in the Honda Civic-Wagovan I drove in high school. Good old Bryan High. Those were the days...

John Mayer ~

2006-06-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

"Clarity"

I worry, I weigh three times my body

I worry, I throw my fear around

But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain

The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain

Bythe time I recognize this moment

This moment will be gone

But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on

Well all I got's

And I will wait to find

If this will last forever

And I will wait to findIf this will last forever

And I will pay no mind

When it won't and it won't because it can't

It just can't

It's not supposed to

Was there a second of time that I looked around?

Did I sail through or drop my anchor down

Was anything enough to kiss the ground?

And say I'm here now and she's here now

So much wasted in the afternoon

So much sacred in the month of June

How bout you

And I will wait to find

If this will last forever

And I will wait to find

That it won't and it won't

Because it won't

And I will waste no time

Worried 'bout no rainy weather

And I will waste no time

Remaining in our lives together

Roiling On...

2006-06-28T11:09:00.000-07:00

Every once in awhile, when the demons in my head are overwhelming, I will watch The Two Towers, the second in Peter Jackson’s rendition of Tolkien’s trilogy. One can’t help but be motivated spiritually after watching any of the three movies. When first viewing The Two Towers, I was enraged when people in the theatre were laughing during the scene where Gollum is arguing with himself. I could not believe people would be so cold hearted as to laugh at the poor creature’s misfortune. In reality, they were all laughing at themselves… but none of them realized it. I don’t know what your demons are, what it is that torments you in the night – but I am beginning to know mine well as of late.

It occurred to me yesterday evening that Gollum’s fatal mistake was seclusion. He let the guilt of his sin take over his life to the point that it warped who he saw himself as. He let it transform him into something he was never intended to be. What do I do when I am overwhelmed? Stressed out? Hurt? I seclude myself – emotionally, mentally and even spiritually.

You have to feel like you’ve done something valiant at the end of the day – you didn’t slay a physical Orch or defeat an evil wizard in the flesh – but you did slay something. You were triumphant. Instead of giving into your carnal desires, instead of succumbing to your anger, malice or self-pity, instead of doing what was easiest – you chose to do different. That is a worthy battle. That is a worthy cause whether we realize it or not.

When I look back over the last three weeks, I realize that I have believed too many lies in my life and they have in turn affected others – one in particular.

I don’t know why I’m so easily hurt by things… I find it easy to trust people in the beginning stages of a relationship and harder once I’m in the thick of a relationship (this goes with any and all relationships).

I don’t know what all this means except there are people in my life who I don’t want to resemble and people in my life that I do and lately I feel I have done a poor job at both. I am also overcome with grief in thinking about “lost” relationships. When moving to Dallas it seemed to take forever to get to know anyone and now I am in the same boat again. Maybe I trust people too fast and then get hurt and draw myself back to the point of terrible damage.

I feel like most feelings and reactions I have contradict one another due to my life’s previous circumstances. It is hard to talk to someone about things you’re just discovering – or maybe rediscovering. There aren’t many words, just emotions roiling about.

'Cuss I want to

2006-06-27T14:38:00.000-07:00

Some people just cuss well, ya know? It's funnier to me when certain people say certain cuss words. For instance, my Great Aunt Virda could cuss better than anyone I know and it was a riot! When she said the word "shit" it was the best... she always had the greatest look on her face when she said it too. Oh mercy it was hilarious!!! I'm laughing right now, I can't help it - it's funny!

I find myself thinking of things like this periodically. They make my heart sing and cry all at the same time. I don't know when I'll be able to drink a limeade from Braums again. My bro and I would bring her Frosty's from Wendy's and limeades from Braums. I used to lay in her hospital bed with her. Our last great fling together she asked me if I wanted to climb into the hospital bed with her. Well, being that we were at the hospital's hospital bed and not the hospital bed at the house we opted that it would be wise for me to stay in my uncomfortable chair. We really would have had that place in a mess! I cried when I hugged her neck before I left that day. I think part of me realized it was probably the last time - and from her reaction I think she thought so as well.

I think part of my melancholy mood lately can be attributed to the fact that one of my best friends isn't here to share the joys (as well as pains) of life. However, I know she is in a much better place... feeling much better. No tears there, no pain or sorrow. Only pure joy. I will not revel in my selfishness. But man, days like today I just miss the heck out of her.

Coldplay - In My Place

2006-06-27T13:44:00.000-07:00

In My Place In my place, in my place,Were lines that I couldn't change,I was lost, oh yeah.
I was lost, I was lost,Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed,I was lost, oh yeah.
And yeah, how long must you wait for it?Yeah, how long must you pay for it?Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
I was scared, I was scared,Tired and under prepared,But I wait for it.
And if you go, if you go,Leave me down here on my own,Then I'll wait for you, yeah.
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?Yeah, how long must you pay for it?Yeah, how long must you wait for it?Oh for it
Sing it please, please, please,Come back and sing to me,To me, me.
Come on and sing it out, now, now.Come on and sing it outTo me, meCome back and sing.
In my place, in my place,Were lines that I couldn't change,I was lost, oh yeah.Oh yeah.

2006-06-21T09:55:00.000-07:00

Psalm 138
1 I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; before the "gods" I will sing your praise.
2 I will bow down toward your holy temple and will praise your name for your love and your faithfulness, for you have exalted above all things your name and your word.
3 When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted.
4 May all the kings of the earth praise you, O LORD, when they hear the words of your mouth.
5 May they sing of the ways of the LORD, for the glory of the LORD is great.
6 Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly, but the proud he knows from afar.
7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.
8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands.

Psalm 51
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

2006-06-21T08:44:00.000-07:00

Faith
When you come to the edge
Of all the light you have
And take that first step into
the darkness of the unknown,
You must believe one of two things will happen:
there will be something solid
for you to stand upon,
Or you will be taught how to fly.
~Derrick Overton

Who am I kidding?

2006-06-06T14:39:00.002-07:00

Maybe I've spent my whole life burning bridges because I don't want to get hurt. Maybe I shut myself off to people who draw near because I'm afraid of heartache. Maybe I feel so overcome by guilt that it stops me in my tracks.

It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday that because of my innate sinful nature I can't help but be imperfect. I hate that. I hate it that I can't do anything to earn my salvation. I suppose this is Satan getting the best of me today.

I feel the need to run frantically to these people I feel I need to beg forgiveness from... why? I don't know. But it's killing me today. I know I'm not perfect. I know I made mistakes and continue to make idiotic mistakes. I know I don't deserve the blessing of my husband. Why do they have to be brought back up again and again and again??? I don't do that to people!

Why is it that others can say whatever they wish to me but the second I tell them how I feel I've done them some sort of injustice.

Screw everything.

I'm going to take a blogging hiatus. I have alot to think about and this is not the outlet for these sorts of thoughts.

Check y'all later.

Uncle Tim & Grover

2006-05-25T13:50:00.000-07:00

Grover has always been my favorite sesame Street character. He's the sweetest goober I know (ok, with the exception of Mark). Anywho, looking at Grover makes me happy. I know Scott had that plush of Kermit... I need a plush of Grover. That's a worthy investment.

When thinking about Grover I can't help but think about my Uncle Tim. He used to red us "the Grover book" as we called it, when we would stay at our grandparent's house in Amarillo. He could sound just like Grover. What amazing talent! *wink*

Tim's physical body gave way four years ago this summer due to a disease he struggled with since his birth (but you'd never know it cause he never complained). I know he is exceptionally happy where he is and I wouldn't wish him anything else. I do, however, miss him tremendously. The whole family is going to be in Arizona... everyone except Tim. I just thougth about it a few minutes ago.

So here's a pic of my all-time favorite muppet (serious, if i find Grover shirts, I buy them cause they're a rarity). May his glottal fried, unkempt furry-blue self make your day as well.

Anyone have any germicide?

2006-05-24T06:48:00.000-07:00

One of my prospective clients brought me a set of their face care. It's a four or six step thing. I won't name the company, but they're pretty well know. She brings me this set (a $300 value) and a little bag with samples of shampoo and conditioner and some sample body wash. The $300 set was not in samples. It was in it's original containers, just like you would receive if you were to buy the products. She said that me or my boss, whichever, could try it.

I took the products home. Have used them for a week. I get an email yesterday from the said prospect and she asked me when she could pick up the set. Let me say that I was more than a little shocked. She didn't tell me last week she was going to pick it up! Why now? I've USED it. The more I think about it, the more it grosses me out. How many other women has she given that to for the purposes of "trying." Typically when someone gives you something to try they give you samples. Since she didn't, I thought it was a sort of gift or something. She brought several things that day and she never mentioned picking it up again.

UH. Seriously, how many other people have stuck their fingers into that pot of night cream... SICK. It makes me SICK to think about. Mark says I should tell her I thought it was to keep and that it grosses me out that who knows how many other people she's given it to try.

What do you guys think about all this?

Here ye, here ye! Info on the "Blogosphere Convention"

2006-05-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

WHAT: Blogosphere Convention
WHEN: Sunday, May 21 at 6PM
WHERE: Miguelito's Mexican Restaurant (817) 268-0404209 W Bedford Euless Rd Hurst, TX 76053

PLEASE RSVP TO Discombobulated (817-301-7282) BY SATURDAY (May 20) AFTERNOON SO she CAN MAKE RESERVATIONS.

Ya'll have fun!

2006-05-08T12:32:00.000-07:00

I am a freakin' IDIOT for telling my boss I would do part time sales AND "special projects." I thought I was getting such a good deal when really, I'm doing 3 times the work for pretty much the same pay.

I am the stupidist person I know. Apparently I choose to wear a sign that says:

"Hi. My name is doormat. Please feel free to walk all over me when you feel the need. Thank you."

Stories from the life of another person, part I

2006-05-04T19:17:00.000-07:00

We came home from our honeymoon in Cloudcroft, NM. My dad always said that honeymoons were for "getting to know one another" for "just being together." If that was the case, then I guess you could logically state that happened. However, deep down I felt otherwise. Can't remember what day we got home, whether it was Friday, Saturday or Sunday. I just remember being so glad to be around people again - people who talked and communicated freely without any inhibitions. It was good to be "home," even if home really wasn't. It would continue to be less and less like home and more and more like a dwelling where two strangers stayed when they couldn't find anywhere else to go. The second Sunday of our "union" (the first being the day after the wedding) we went to church. Don't remember what happened, if anyone extended any type of congratulations. It was June so there weren't many students left in town. After service, we went home. I was so excited to be making our first meal together as a married couple, so nervous about the turnout.

I decided to make a casserole my Mom made for us growing up. It was a favorite then and continues to be a favorite now. I figured it would be simple enough, but most enjoyable. The perfect first luncheon together. I stood in the kitchen for an hour or so, preparing all the ingredients for the casserole and then combining them to create what would I was hoping to be the best meal either of us had ever had. Placed the pan in the oven... waited 'til it bubbled.... and voila! Perfection.

We didn't have much of a dining room. Our kitchen table and four chairs were placed behind the love-seat, close to the wall so as to whisper the idea that it was another room. I placed the pot holders down, delicately placed the casserole, corn and tortilla chips on the table. This would be the first time to use our new plates! I set them out along with our new flatware. This was sure to be a success!
"Lunch is ready."
"O.k. Be there in a minute."
"O.k."

That minute turned into several hours. I can't remember when it was that I decided to eat, but I did. I was determined to enjoy the meal even if he wasn't sitting at the table. But the fact that he wasn't sitting at the table filled me with unspeakable sorrow. Was the computer game that important? It's homecooked food. He's a man. What's his problem? Eventually I cleaned up the table and went to the bedroom to take a nap. I don't think he ate any until later that evening.

WhatEVA!

2006-05-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

"Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight..."

There it is. That's the past week summed up. Sometimes I think I'm manic depressive... and then sometimes not.

Tickle Test

2006-05-03T13:14:00.000-07:00

The Classic IQ Test
What's Your IQ?

Congratulations, Ram!Your IQ score is 111

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others. Your Intellectual Type is Word Warrior. This means you have exceptional verbal skills. You can easily make sense of complex issues and take an unusually creative approach to solving problems. Your strengths also make you a visionary. Even without trying you're able to come up with lots of new and creative ideas. And that's just a small part of what we know about you from your test results.

*note, not sure how great thsi really is... it's probably not. I pretty much skipped most of the math questions. I did answer a few. Anyhoo, off to do some research on IQs.

Fears for the hour of 10:00 am

2006-05-01T08:35:00.000-07:00

* That the snot I keep blasting all over my keyboard will cause it to malfunction... then'd I'd have to tell my boss why it malfunctioned and that would be embarassing.

* That I'll never get into grad school.

* That I'll have to take the GRE again... oh it makes me ill to think about.

* That no matter what I'm doing I feel people see me as being a "drag," a no-fun party pooper.

* That the pretty sun star Mark and I bought at Easter (sitting on the kitchen bar) will wither and die.

* That if I do get into grad school I'll never see Mark he'll runaway with someone else (and I would die of hearthache... I think I really would).

* That I'm going to get caught being unproductive.

* That I'll have to take the GRE again.

* That Sidney will forget who I am.

* That I'll never catch up on sleep.

* That I'll be stuck at this lame job for the rest of my life... oh the horror.

* That God sees me as being one who runs... one who is appreciative but one lacking in faith. One that doesn't pray or read His Word enough. One who is luke warm.

2006-04-28T06:27:00.000-07:00

Can anyone tell me why my blog layout is screwed up? It's driving me crazy.

"Neighborhood Hottie" (as deemed by Scott)

2006-04-28T06:11:00.000-07:00

On the way to grab some dinner I told Mark the story about Red Jersey telling me I was hot. He thought it was funny and then went on for a minute or so about "I've been tellin' you baby!" and whatnot. Sheesh. Anyway, we went to eat at a BBQ place in Garland on a gift certificate. Yeee haw. It was yummy and, being that I lost my appetite when the topic of discussion turned to grad school acceptance and moving closer to Denton, I now have left overs for lunch. Yea!

We drove up to the apartment after dinner and parked the car.

Upon getting out of the car, he pauses to say:
"Hold on a second, we have to give you a proper entrance."

?????????

"What?!?"

So my husband (unabashed as he is) proceeds to "give me proper entrance."

"Excuse me, could I have eveyone's attention... hey everybody, if you'll please look this way... the hottie is here."

He carried on like that until we got in the house (which proved challenging since I was running for the door and HE had the keys.)

Good grief. Now I have a reputation to keep up... ;)

I'm one of "them" now...

2006-04-27T09:21:00.000-07:00

I was making a casserole so that we'd have supper when we got home from church and lunch for the rest of the week. Mark was already at the church building setting up a volleyball net so I was home alone.

The chicken was boiling, the sauce heating up nicely... it was all coming together great. (It was exceptional actually, being that I have a brand new stove since the last one caught fire on Easter... That's for another post.)

Out of no where there's a knock on the door. I wasn't expecting anyone and Mark wouldn't knock, so I was a little hesitant due to my attire. I came home, through on some jeans and taken off my poncho leaving me with a really tight spaghetti strap undershirt. I would never go out into public with just this on. I was debating on whether to answer the door, but then again it could be the plumber to fix the leaking bathtub (that has now produced a busted water bubble in the ceiling downstairs).

I decided to answer the door.
There's a boy in a red jersey standing there.

"Is Chase here?"
"Nope, sorry. I think you have the wrong apartment."
"Ok."

Back to the kitchen to tend to the casserole, thinking about that kid. When I was his age I thought 25 year olds were so much older and cooler than me. I wondered what this kid thought, how this kid perceived me. My thought process was rudely interrupted by a another knock at the door. This time there's two boys.

The older of the two asks:
"Did a boy in a red shirt come by here?"
"Yeah."
"Which way did he go?"
"That way." I said, pointing to my left (the kid's right.)

So about five minutes later I realized the clock on the microwave is 45 minutes behind... Luckily I managed to get to church and only be 15 minutes late.

On my way out the door to the car, the two boys (united at last) were playing across the driveway and down a little ways.

Red Jersey: "Hey, I found him!" he yells.
"Ok. Great!" I holler back.
Red Jersey walks behind a car, I can't see him anymore... and then I hear:

"You're hot!!!"

I saved my laugh for the drive to the building. I didn't respond to him cause I wasn't sure what to say. What would you say? Thanks? It cracked me up. Guess I know what the kid thinks of me now... kinda weird actually.

2006-04-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

I
HATE
it when you loose a
WHOLE FREAKIN' POST!!!

dang it all...

2006-04-20T11:49:00.000-07:00

Ok folks, it's finally happening - that's right - I'm talking about the apocalypse. May 21st, to be exact. If any of you faithful readers (HA!) in this little blogosphere would like to meet Frustrated, PreacherBoy, Discom, Beef (wish you could be here Killjoy) myself and others... then the time is now. PreacherBoy is strolling through Texas and we've decided to meet up. (I can't believe I'm turning into one of those people who actually meets the people they talk to on the internet!)

Get that? May 21st, 6:oopm.

If you want more info - email me.

Quipets

2006-04-19T11:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes at work I go sit in the bathroom just to get away from my desk. It's the only room in the office that isn't white... it's liliac with black and white flower pics. It's just nice to get away from everything.

Sometimes you need to do something drastic - like chop off 7 inches of hair!

Sometimes you just need to cry... like last night (we BOTH cried) when we were tired, upset about the church we're at (you find out alot about things in a "leader meeting"), and completely overwhelmed with the thought of money and the months ahead.

I love my husband. He is sooooooooooooooo fabulous.

I got to work at 7:15 am this morning cause I took Mark to the bus barn, then came straight here. We don't have the cash for gas this week so we're going to work together. I'm picking him up at 4:30. This works out great cause now our schedules will be the same, we'll get to see each other more and we save money on gas!! How much greater can life get???

I miss Sydney, but we're working on the remedy for that.

My boss promises alot. She breaks alot of promises too.

I'm now officially a part-time sales rep. I have the opportunity to make more money and that's a blessing.

I've decided to go to grad school. Yeah. Crazy, but I'm making no money and I'm tired of the mindless monotony that is my work.

Piranha*

2006-04-13T10:58:00.000-07:00

Keep thoughts high in the sky
You’re like a big kite
That’s flying from people
Who wanna keep you down,
Down in the crowds
Where they’re always breakin’ out
Watch out for piranhas
There’s always piranhas
Watch out for piranhas
Ready or not
Like it or not
Here they come again
It’s a shame
But you are just laughing
People want to keep you in the dark
You’re always a mess
But you’re always a step ahead of the crowd
Watch out for piranhas
There’s always piranhas
Watch out for piranhas
So many times I have been late
While feeling the breeze
Tons of hopeless thoughts in me
Now I’m free...And now I’m free!
Watch out for piranhas
You can be what you want
It’s a matter of time
Prepare to be amazed
You’re flashing
They’re frowning
You flash the clover leaf cheer
It’s a game
You’re winning
There’s always so many piranhas
Watch out for piranhas
There’s always piranhas
Watch out for piranhas

* by Tripping Daisy

99 bottles of beer on the wall, wait make that tequila

2006-04-12T19:36:00.000-07:00

Made two sales today. Yee haw. Really, I was so excited my boss and I were jumping up and down and hugging each other (cause we have three weeks left to sell this show and there's only two of us selling it.) This was the first sell of the show!

Didn't leave work until 6:00 pm. Took the Dallas Tollway, to I635 E, to 30 (towards Texarkana) and exited appropriately. Took an hour (with minimal traffic.) Either we pay over $200 a month in highway tolls or I drive (in the mornings) and hour and 45 minute commute. I was thinking on my way home (as traffic was better than expected) that if I had a CD with scripture to listen to in the mornings and a book on tape/CD in the afternoons (Bradbury books on tape... oh make me salivate) I would be set. I could handle that. But, there's no tape deck and yeah, you guessed it the Cavlier's CD player doesn't work. I can't drive (let me restate that, I'm not driving) the Jeep because it's too much in gas money every week. I haven't driven my Jeep since we've been married. I didn't even drive (coming or going) when we went to Houston last weekend. I am having withdrawals. Anyway, back to the story at hand. Turned on the radio... there was little good on but I thought it would be nice to roll the windows down (2/60 air conditioning baby) and jam out regardless of the crappy songs. One could roll the windows down if the windows would come back up. Actually, it's only the driver's side window which makes drive throughs enough to compel a person to a nervous break down. I almost rolled it down anyway, just cause I wanted to but decided against it because I didn't want to hear about it when I got home.

So, pull into my parking space at the apartment and walk into the house (my husband's ring tone sounding as I made my way through the door) at around 7:oo pm. Some of our company for the evening has already arrived. Great. So I go to making chili (haven't even changed out of my work clothes yet) and the rest of the crew comes in. The meeting commenced with me still in the kitchen (which is so conviently and unconviently connected to the living area). I don't know have of what happened and every time I made a suggestion, no one heard it and 2 minutes later someone would say THE EXACT thing I just finished saying and everyone would think it such a superior idea.

10:00 pm. I sit here blogging now. Tired. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too tired. Tired of people, tired of ideas for a youth rally weekend, tired of Young Life. Tired. Just plain tired. When I get really tired I have figured out that I do one of two things: get quiet and pensive (oh, make that one of three things... I just thought of another one), get quiet and irritated with EVERYTHING making me grumpy or I laugh at EVERYTHING or nothing except that which is in my own head. I'm suffering from all of these right now.

Changing subjects (but not really, cause I've been thinking about it consistently all day) our friends just got a new job. They are pregnant (honeymoon baby) and he really needed a better paying job, a job with better hours, one that would be consistent in everyway a job should be. He accepted one today. He sat in our living room tonight and talked about how it is a total shock to him... he can't believe it and he recognizes where it's from. I am happy for them, they were so excited. Standing in the kitchen, putting up the dirty dishes I decided I would be happy. Jealously started to creep in... I'm not even going to lie about it. However, I squelched that beast as quickly as was humanly possible.

I'm a little frustrated with a situation that I can't really talk about. I'm not going to here. I would like to but it would not be appropriate. It's just that sometimes I feel all I do is give, give, give to people (very special people) and I get nothing. There are times I know I should stand up for myself, but at what cost? Is it worth the cost? I'm just tired.

And THIS is completely another thought, one that stems purely from selfishness: sometimes it's extremely hard to know that you can never be another person's "everything" because you know that God is the only one who can be anyone's "everything." That hurts, I don't know why, but it does and there were a few minutes this weekend when I was so upset about it that I was nearly beside myself. I know, I know, it's ridiculous. Funny thing is that I have never felt this way until about a week ago. I'm sure Satan is merely trying to drive a wedge, create chaos when there should be none.

I'm tired of the chaos. Can I have some peace? And if I don't have peace is that because of my selfishness? Is that because ultimately I'm in the wrong? Because I'm not recognizing some sin in my life???

Well, I'm being beckoned.

Good night.

Isn't life supposed to be easier when you have a degree?

2006-04-12T09:18:00.000-07:00

Maybe my faith isn't what it ought to be. And what ought it be? It seems I don't understand anything. Mark brings a different viewpoint of God to the table, which helps me a lot - usually. But sometimes I fear it doesn't. After all, if every good thing any person ever gets is from God, where is my great, perfect and wonderful job? Why can't I know what it is I'm supposed to be doing? I am trying to be open, I feel I have been open. I just don't know. Could He be with-holding it because of my lack of faith? But which of those makes sense with what my perception, my knowledge of God?

I am not ungrateful at all. I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful family and friends... I just wish I knew what I was called to do in a day to day situation involving a paycheck.

Arg. It's frustrating. I want to be doing something to glorify Him, that helps other people... that is fun and creative. But what? What is it? I don't want to go back to school, I don't even know what I'd go back for anyway...

I would appreciate your prayers on this matter. Maybe it's a "me" issue. Maybe I'm not doing what I ought and so I'm not being revealed what I feel I should. I guess that's the issue... the "I."

Cow hickeys, rocking chairs, iced tea & chicken fried steak

2006-04-07T11:19:00.000-07:00

That's right folks. Cow hickeys. My thumbs were both a little sore after last weekend. We went to visit Mark's grandparents and meet with the church up there (up there being Oklahoma, due to their recent re-location) about doing a youth rally. When we arrived Saturday afternoon we all sat on the porch in rocking chairs for about 2 hours - drank iced tea by the gallons (at least my brother-in-law Toby and I did) and talked about the usual. What's the usual? Church, politics, the farm... church... more church... you get the idea. It was great.

About the cow hickeys, Granny and Grandad (I'll just insert this here: I LOVE MY NEW FAMILY) have two bottle-fed calves right now. They had eight a few weeks ago but the other 6 have been moved to the pasture. One of the calves was very shy but the other (once he realized I'd let him suck my thumb) was not so shy. I named him Tucker. I have a picture of me bottle feeding Tucker the Holstein, but I can't locate it at the moment. Anyway, he was the cutest cow ever (how could he not be? he sucked on my thumb!!!!)

I have longed to sit on the porch and drink iced tea and relax and listen to Toby strum on the guitar while Mark and Grandad lead the discussion on the latest church topics - and we can't forget Granny asking every 2 minutes if you need anything else.

I hate my job right now. That's o.k. But I've been thinking, on the porch I felt at home. I feel that I belong there. In this office, I do not feel as if I belong. In fact, most days I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. Hmmmm... just thinking.

We haven't had a weekend to ourselves since we got married. This weekend (tonight) we're driving to Houston to see Mark's parents. We'll get back late Sunday I'm sure. We'll have a great time - no doubt, but today I'm weary with the thought of more travel. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning being so overwhelmed with what the day might hold in store.

You're wondering where the chicken fried steak comes in? Well, last night, my other brother-in-law Seth came over and the three of us (that includes Mark) had chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, corn and rolls. It was really good. I did pretty well if I don't say so myself (at least, I've come to that conclusion after just finishing some of the left overs for lunch.) Last night, however, I wasn't so confident. This is the second time this week I've cooked for company and I must say that it can be stressful. Tuesday I cooked for 6 (yeah, Mark tells me we're having company on Monday night when we're about to be asleep - he thought I knew). Last night, I cooked for family but that I think can be more stressful because you have to see them the rest of your life! And if they hate it they'll nag you about it forever! Oh the terror! So, both nights I was complimented. But I was really nervous when I got finished last night and realized I hadn't made gravy. I thought Mark would be really upset (I don't know why, but I did.) I wanted it to be perfect (cause it's his favorite meal) and I felt I'd screwed it up. He however, vehelmently disagreed. He thought it was great.

Oddly enough, as I scurried around our tiny kitchen and listened to Mark and Seth's discussion, I also thought about what my blogging buddies might be doing right then. I know, it sounds crazy but I wondered how y'all were spending your evenings. What were you eating for dinner? Who were you with? What are you struggling with right now? I guess it's odd to wonder about people you don't really "know." Or maybe not.

The point in all this? Not sure. But I do know I'd love to go home and take a nap with my husband, or sit on a porch and drink iced tea, or be anywhere but here at my desk right now.

Wow. I feel this had no point at all except that I love good times with family, a good rocking chair, a tall glass of iced tea and homemade chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes. It's not comfort food because that's what you find your solace in: it's comfort food because that's what you know best.

Ya'll have a great weekend... I know I will.

YIKES!!!

2006-04-05T09:40:00.000-07:00

I have an interview today at 6:00 pm... be in prayer that God will reveal to me what I should do (accept, not accept, etc.)

THANKS GUYS!!!

This rocks! I may have to change my name!!!

2006-03-30T19:06:00.000-08:00

Your 1920's Name is:

George Maudie

What's Your 1920's Name?

Release the trap door, if you will

2006-03-30T15:53:00.000-08:00

I think that Sales Reps think they're the exception to everything. They can't read a postage meter, they can't find a form that's on a shelf right in front of their face, they can't make the adqeate amount of calls in one day (they have to lie about their numbers so they don't get fired)... or maybe it's just our sales reps?

It's frustrating. Today I'm exceptionally tired of babysitting them. If they were 3 or 8 or 12, I wouldn't be so irritated because I would expect an individual of that age to need assistance.

I've been working on getting another job. I know I shouldn't complain... I'm not really complaining, just venting frustration. I have to vent somewhere (and this is the place to do so about most things) because I can't bring it home every day. That's no bueno. Anyway, contrary to popular belief I have been seeking new employment. God just hasn't revealed to me where or what that is yet. That's o.k. with me, I'm just tired of being bombarded with questions about it.

I'm not a slacker, I work hard, I try my hardest not to whine and complain (cause it drives me nuts when others do), I'm looking for another job... so cut me some slack folks. I know I'm not perfect. I know I make mistakes... HUGE mistakes even. However, I could use some slack today as opposed to the tightening of the noose.

Eating words

2006-03-30T10:22:00.000-08:00

I have said before that I would rather be yelled at than have someone give me the silent treatment. I have since decided that I would rather not have either... but the silent treatment is better than harmful words any day due to the heavy impact words have on the heart. Tone of voice, inflection... all these play a role in the damage.

Of course a lot of the grief derives from the person saying the words. For instance, a co-workers duress might not seem as bad as from a close family member. You get my drift.

Anyway, just bored at work and thinking aloud.

The Priests

2006-03-30T07:24:00.000-08:00

I'm sure it would be greatly appreciated by the Priest family (a family from my hometown) if you would pray fervently for them.

Three years ago yesterday, their son died. It was a strange situation. He was infected by some sort of bacteria or virus and died very quickly. They never really knew why. My brothers and parents knew this family because of their association with the Boy Scouts of America.

Yesterday, Mr. Priest arrived home (I'm sure with heavy things already on his mind) to find his wife dead. They are pretty sure it was suicide... I don't know any more details than that.

The idea that there are so many hurting people in the world has been heavy on my mind for several days now. There are people who are tormented daily by things we cannot (and I'm sure would not want to) see. I prayed so hard last night and this morning that there would be extra angels sent to comfort and protect Mr. Priest.

We are all in this war, these daily spiritual battles... the sad thing is most of us don't even realize it.

CORN WEENIES??? Are you KIDDING me?!?!

2006-03-28T10:45:00.000-08:00

Who doesn't know what a corn dog is? Real, red-blooded American have experienced and know the fabulousness that is a corn dog.

I brought 2 corn dogs for lunch today. I delicately placed them in the toaster oven here at BS, Inc. (seriously, that's our initials) and waited for the delectable aroma to waft into my office. However, before the aroma hit me something else did. It was the sound of a co-workers voice asking the hideous question,

"Are those corn weenies?"

CORN WEENIES??!?!?! Serious... SERIOUS? CORN WEENIES?!?!!

This is your problem woman, you don't know what a corn dog is! Woe to you, who lacks knowledge in the arena of gourmet delicacies! Woe unto your children for their palates will not taste the fine cuisine that would be a corn dog!

Here you have it folks, the decline of Western society due to an ignorance in regard to corn dogs.

If my husband Mark were to run for president his mantra would be, "Corn dogs are the stamp of an American. Every house should have a box!"

And now, a tribute to corn dogs:

http://pizza-god.com/corndogs.htm

Crepe Paper Walls

2006-03-28T08:19:00.000-08:00

I was thinking this morning on my commute to work that I am one who puts up walls. They're not the brick kind though and they only surface when I feel I've been betrayed or hurt in some way or another. They are not there 24/7.

I was speaking to a friend I've known since middle school this morning. She didn't come to the wedding. She gave me grief because she wasn't in the last one. I asked her (because I wanted her to be, not out of obligation) to be in this one. She calls me about two weeks before the big day and says she's not going to be able to make it. On top of that she had to say, "I've known for about two weeks, I just didn't want to tell you cause I figured you'd be mad."

Gee? You think I might be upset because you can't make it??? I wanted you to be there to share in something I'm excited about... to be excited with me!

I have another "friend" (oh, how loosely I use the term) who was also supposed to be a bridesmaid and she never called. I hadn't heard from her by Friday and of course, she didn't miraculously appear (as I'd so hoped) on Saturday. She still hasn't called. She lives with a guy who beats her and I was worred something terrible happened. I mean, I was worried I wouldn't ever be getting another call from her. I called the Houston police department, they were of no help. I had been leaving (and continue to leave) countless messages on her home and cell phones. I reached her mom the other day (luckily, I have her number) and she said that my friend was fine. She's not dead anyway. Her mom was suprised she hadn't called me to let me know she wasn't coming.

So, I had my four fabulous friends, two of who I can't even believe I'm so blessed to have them in my life... and Mark had his 6. It looked a little lopsided. Guess it's good I'm not a perfectionist (cause the pictures are going to look interesting I'm sure.)

Back to the wall discussion. I didn't think I was one who puts up walls. Like I stated previously, I don't put up brick walls. It's not like they're inpenitrible. But they just place me a little further away. They make things hazy... a little distant. They're crepe paper walls. Not strong at all, not as transparent as celophane. You can still hear me. We can still see each other's form. I can hear you... but it makes things difficult to decipher... just how I like it.

Crepe paper walls are easy to tear down. In fact it can be done in an instant if I so choose (which may make me seem a little bi-polar to some.) They're easily put up and easily taken down. This can be a good and a bad thing.

When my Crepe is up, I feel distanced and therefore don't say much or say things I shouldn't... so most of the time (to prevent further damage) I don't say much of anything. Some friends may be confused here, but let me clarify. Sometimes I'm silent because I have heavy thoughts on my mind and sometimes I'm silent because of a wall and those who know me know the difference.

Why do the walls come up? Why does anyone's? Because they're afraid of being hurt again. Putting up a wall protects me. I feel that I have given alot to alot of people in my life so far and haven't received much from them. I know it's not all about receiving, this is in no way my point. I am merely stating that in relationships there must be give and take from both parties involved or resentment can build quickly.

Anyway, just thinking out loud this morning.

I feel I am never who I should be, never making any headway.

Just thinking outloud...

I love March Madness & other quips

2006-03-24T07:16:00.000-08:00

So, did any of you see the LSU/Duke game last night???? Holy cow! How many free throws can a team score in 9 seconds. That was insane. Duke TOTALLY lost it... they lost their cool and the consequence was the game.

When they took Reddick out with 9 seconds left in the game (to a standing ovation) it was really emotional. Gosh... you KNOW he had DREAMED of cutting down the net. Dang.

I don't have a bracket, I've just been watching the games. But they are all really intense. Like the A&M/Syracuse game. Wow. That was a killer.

Anyhoo... I've always loved college sports (never been much of a NBA or NFL kinda gal) but never kept up with it like this (that's largely.. ok ALL because of my fabulous husband, Mark).

I love March Madness (and the name make so much more sense now that I'm partaking in the madness of it all).

On another note, I know some wives complain about their husbands always watching sports but I'm thankful mine does. He is not a yelling, insane, upset for three days madman when his team does not win - that helps our situation out a lot. :) However, he could be watching a whole lot of other things - things I don't want him watching. So I'm grateful. Besides, I enjoy knowing somethings gives him such pleasure. And if I have a question regarding a ref call or something, it is much better to ask at an opportune time, then we're both happy. I have a better understanding and he doesn't feel as if I'm badgering him to death. At least, I don't think so... hmmm, I should ask him about that! God has blessed me (for reasons I will never understand) with an absolutely amazing husband. This is only one of the many arenas that Mark is a most wonderful man.

One last thing, it makes me CRAZY when you're at a stoplight and immediately after the light turns green the person behind you LAYS on the horn like you've sat there for 10 minutes. Good grief people, that's ridiculous.

Mystery Meet

2006-03-23T13:21:00.000-08:00

These are the pics from Mark and I's "Mystery Meet."

My girlfriends are: Bekah, Ronica, Lori, me, Cryss & Bonnie.

The guys: David, Jonathan, & Mark.

Bridal Portraits

2006-03-22T13:16:00.000-08:00

Celebrate good times... come on!!! (third verse)

2006-03-22T11:01:00.000-08:00

These are pics from the rehearsal dinner and Mark and I's "Mystery Meet" we hosted for our out of town friends so we could all meet each other and hang out!

The rehearsal was just that - and that's all I'm going to say.

The Mystery Meet was supposed to be at a skating rink. But there were complications, we got there (45 minutes late) and found out that for the last 30 minutes the rink was open they have a "dance." Well, we got in half price and didn't skate (or dance). Anyhoo, we decided since that was a total flop we'd go to Whataburger and chill. It was a good time...

Ok so the pics from the Mystery Meet will be on the next post. Blogger is driving me nuts!

Celebrate good times... come on!!! (second verse)

2006-03-22T10:24:00.000-08:00

My girlfriends!

Mom and me!!!

Me and the mammas (but where are the pappas?)

The Great Beef, our Mom & Killjoy

This pic cracks me up because it looks like Mark has a halo!!

My new family!!

Kayleigh, me and Jaitlyn - my flower girls!

Celebrate good times... come on!!! (first verse)

2006-03-22T08:20:00.000-08:00

Hee Haw

2006-03-20T13:57:00.000-08:00

Need I say more?

"Civilians" clothes? And it's not even worth commenting on Paris...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11878499/

Back to Life, Back to Reality*

2006-03-20T09:43:00.000-08:00

Well folks, I'm back in the saddle again so to speak (no, I have not taken up barrel racing in the last month: no worries.)

Well, alot's happened since February 14th. I'll give you the run down:

Uh... well. Like I said, alot has happened. Hmmm... this entry is turning out to be more complicated than I thought. Work and personal life (doesn't that include everything?) were both running 90 to nothing for since February. We had the Fort Worth Bridal Show and I found a veil (this may not sound like a big deal, but it was!) Weather was off and on, good then bad for about a month which inhibited bridal portraits (which I was worried about having anyway.) I did end up getting them taken on a beautiful day at the Dallas Arboretum.

Got all the flowers finished (yes, I did my own). Got the boutineres (sp?) and coursages done... nearly went insane moving from Irving to Rowlett... missed my aunt Virda alot. Thought alot about mother-in -laws...

Most of my family was there so that was great... and I must add that my bro's were looking pretty handsome in their "pimpalicious" (so deemed by the Great Beef) shirts and ties. Mom was beautiful as ever and so happy. We were all SO happy!! It was great.

The rehearsal dinner proved to be the worst part of the week I think. The actual wedding day was great. No stress. Just happy to be getting married!!

I have pics of the honeymoon... they're just not developed yet so I don't have digital copies. As soon as I get them I'll post a full presentation with details and photos!! In the meantime, I'll post a few of my bridal pics. Or maybe not cause they WON'T POST!!!! Ug.

Anyway, just wanted y'all to know that I'm alive and well and HAPPY TO BE Mrs. Williams!!!!!

*song by En Vogue

A Valentine Tribute

2006-02-14T13:36:00.000-08:00

'Twas the night before Valentine's and all through Walmart,
the masses were stirring - last minute shopping, no doubt.
The Beef and I waded through the crowds with great care,
knowing that check out would be more than a nightmare.
Candy hearts, chocolates and cards in disarray,
due to the late coming myriad today.
All this last minute Valentining leaves me frantic,
"Plan ahead, plan ahead!" was my cry most tantric.

"I just want some soup," I thought most frustrated,
procrastination makes this crowd seem too over rated.

Now we'll have to stand in line for 30 minutes!

"This is like Christmas!" Beef said in disbelief,
and we both stood in line feeling all too well the defeat.

We checked out our soup, chocolate and anti-freeze
and walked out of the store feeling much more at ease.
What is the moral of this little ditty?
"Those who wait to buy their Valentine gifts leave much to pitty."

Shooting Blanks

2006-02-08T15:26:00.000-08:00

If my ___________ got any more __________ I would be _________.

I have several words to fill those blanks myself... unfortunately I can't express any of them here now. But I would like to know what y'all would say... please, feel free to respond.

*"I've got sunshine on my shoulders"... I could probably ask for something more

2006-02-08T08:56:00.000-08:00

Well, had surgery last week. My parents met Mark's parent's last weekend. All in all (despite last week being an emotional roller coaster) I'm good. Still taking prescription ibuprofen for inflamation and the occasional pain here and there. I know when it's time for more meds... that's for sure.

Been having weird dreams and nightmares by the dozens lately.

I'll post pics of Mark's churches shower soon. I haven't finished the roll and did not use the digital, so expect exitement in technicolor arriving next week.

Yeah. So now that I'm writing I feel it's kind of pointless. The things I have to say are mostly heavy today and am not sure I want to share. I guess that makes me seflish. I don't know.

You all have GREAT days and I'll be talking to you to you soon I think.

*some Gerschwin (SP?) song, I think "Who Could ask for Anything more?" not sure of the title.

2006-01-27T07:57:00.000-08:00

I just figured out how to change the text color on my blog!!!! I'm so excited!!! The possibilities are ENDLESS!!!

Might as well be an episode of Futurama

2006-01-26T10:45:00.000-08:00

A co-worker was reading online today about a couple (and their dogs) that are going to be cryogenically frozen. 100 years from now (so the plan is) they will be awakened. We also found out that some people are even freezing their heads in hopes of them being used with different bodies in the future!?!

What the heck??? That is one of the strangest thing I've ever heard. When asked why one of their reasons was "they're friends are doing it." Wow. MY friends are all getting cryogenically frozen (a process which has never been proven on humans) so I think I will too.

Geez!!!

Once I find the story, I'll post the link. In the meantime, my co-worker asked the question: what happens to a person's spirit & mind when their body is out of it for that long of a time? Are they just in limbo? I would love to hear your opinons.

Under the knife..

2006-01-23T10:34:00.000-08:00

Found out today I'm going to have surgery next Monday morning at 8 am. I have a sick feeling in my stomach now. I'm sure things will be fine but the thought of "going under" doesn't appeal to me by any means especially since the word "anesthesia" means "near death." I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to die cause someone gave me too much of something they shouldn't have.

Or if it didn't work and then I felt everything.

Oy. Need to think of something else now...

...And the mice will play

2006-01-20T10:00:00.000-08:00

The boss is out of the office and we have PLAYED all day so far. I'm beat from working all weekend and the BOSS isn't here cause she's tired! Good grief... I hate being a pion.

January 19, 2006, 9:35 AM (an email)

2006-01-19T08:50:00.000-08:00

Good Morning Beautiful,

I arrived this morning to find out that a collague of mine had to throw her husband out last night because she found out that he was cheating on her. Please be in prayer for her and her family.

I also wanted to thank you for being you. I truly enjoy every opportunity to spend time with you. I look to watch you interact with people, especially people that you care about. Laura, you have a huge heart!!! I pray that I may be the man that I am suppose to be so that I can lead you in the way that God is leading you.

You truly have been a blessing in my life. Your passion for the church and for Christian people is contagious and I love it.

Laura, may you be all that God wants you to be!!!

Love ya

Tolerating tolerance

2006-01-19T06:56:00.000-08:00

We were at Pier 1 yesterday doing some more wedding resgistering. The form we had to fill out struck me as odd. There were no places for the bride and groom to enter their information - only places for the "registrant" and the "co-registrant." There was not a place for a wedding date only places for the "type of event" and "date of event." This may not seem like such a big deal but when I thought about it later it occurred to me that Pier 1 was trying to make things more "sexual orientation" friendly - if you will.

A friend and I were having this discussion the other day. Do I condone homosexuality? No. Do I condone getting drunk? No. Do I condone murder? No. Do I condone adultery? No. And yet I do not agree with or think this types of behavior (whether that behavior is chosen or whether it's biological) are acceptable and yet I am supposed to respect the rights of someone I don't agree with but am not given the same respect if I were to spout my ideas or belives that were not coherant with what someone else believed. I have friends who do and have done these very things... I still love them but I do not agree with what they've done.

This is terribly frustrating. I have rights just like anyone else does. I respect you and your decisions whether I agree with them or not. This thing about "tolerance" however, is not about respect it's about acknowledging and accepting those things which I believe to be wrong. I am supposed to like it. I'm supposed to say it's ok. But there is no reverse tolerance. It only goes one way.

There's a great quote by Thomas Jeffereson that pretty much says that my right to punch your lights out ends at the tip of your nose. He's right. I have the right to do a lot of things, but I don't because you have rights as well. With the abuse of rights there are consequences. If I punch you out and you don't agree with why I did or don't feel I had the "right" to, then I could be charged with assault because you interpreted my rights differently.

I think tolerance and politial correctness have done more to harm us than help us.

Roundabout*

2006-01-19T06:23:00.000-08:00

I had a striking thought the other night (the past two nights I haven't slept well and have felt the need to write right before I go to bed so as not to loose some gem of a thought as of late I can't seem to remember anything at the right time). The thought was: where am I really myself? So I got to thinking about what makes me me. What makes me who I am? How do I communicate that to others? How am I perceived versus how I feel I am perceived?

I decided that I am several different people. Wait - I take that back. I am one person with many facets who feels she can only be a few of those with specifics groups of people at specific points in time. I'm sure to some extent we all feel this way (someone please say "Amen" for my sake). But then again, maybe not.

Here are some examples: I love music that makes you want to move. In fact, truth be known: I really like to dance (and everyone gasped with shock!!!!) However, there are only a very select group of people I will dance with unless it's two stepping because I'm so concerned about what people will think.

I love R&B. I love hip-hop and yet I love Van Halen and Boston and James Taylor. I like Kelly Clarkson and U2. Kansas and Rush. I'm pretty eclectic in my taste in music as well as clothes and art. In these areas, I don't care much about what people think.

I am a thinker. I think alot about all kinds of things. Most of the time when I'm quiet I'm thinking. My mind is hardly ever at rest (which in it's self could make a person crazy.)

With my family, I feel I have to be the intelligent oldest sibling and daughter. I have to be strong and able to pull myself up by my bootstraps. "Build a bridge and get over it!" as my Dad would say. I don't like this. Depending on which friends I'm with I can be alot of things. Or maybe I'm the same and their perception of me is different?

While I know this doesn't seem to be following any sort of thought pattern it lead me to think that I've spent a whole lot of time trying to please too many people. So much time in fact that sometimes when someone asks me what I want I it takes me awhile to decide. In fact, sometimes I think of what it is I really wanted a couple of days later. I guess I'm just learning new things about myself lately. Rediscovering who I've been or who I would have been sooner in time if certain cicumstances had been different.

Maybe I expect too much from people - too much from myself. Perfection? After all most of my fear comes from the thought of making a mistake or making a fool of myself (which I feel I do well enough already).

I don't think any of this is a bad thing, I've just been thinking about it. I feel that for a long time I have been keeping myself in bondage and I'm just trying to figure out which way to go to break free.

Limitations: if I could sum up the last few years of my life I might sum it up in that one word. Five minutes from now I might tell you something different but right now that's what I would tell you. The sad thing is is that the majority of these limitations have been placed on me by my own self. That is what's hard to deal with and often learn from because one of the hardest things to do is make the change to change yourself.

*song by Yes - from the album "Fragile"

Found on Claraslvr...

2006-01-18T16:03:00.000-08:00

Your Personality Is

Artisan (SP)

You are both grounded and flexible. You adapt well to new situations.
You are playful and free spirited - but you are also dependable and never flaky.

You don't do well in conservative, stuffy situations.
It's probably very hard for you to keep a normal job or stay in school.

You are always up for fun and adventure. Most people are too boring for you.
You take risks and bend the rules. And if things don't work out, you chock it up to life experience.

In love, you tend to take things quickly - but you have a huge problem with commitment.

At work, you need to make your own rules. You're best suited to be an entrepreneur.

With others, you are animated and physical. You prefer doing something with friends to just hanging out.

As far as your looks go, you tend to be buff and in good shape. Your spend more time on your body than your clothes.

On weekends, you need to keep active. From cooking up a storm to running a 5K, you wear yourself out.

The Three Question Personality Test

Tagged by Demo

2006-01-18T15:44:00.000-08:00

4 Jobs I've had in my life
1. receptionist for an oil company
2. seamstress for a company that has pillows in the Neiman Marcus catalogue!
3. camp counselor at Camp of the Hills - a christian camp for inner-city kids
4. making Tickelopes - yeah, don't ask

4 Movies i could watch over and over
1. You've Got Mail
2. The LOTR trilogy
3. Down With Love
4. the new Phantom of the Opera

4 Places I have lived
these are 4 of the 7:
1. Bryan, TX
2. Amarillo, TX
3. Hawley, TX
4. Artesia, NM

4 TV shows I love to watch
Don't watch much TV but here we go:
1. any of the Law & Orders
2. ER
3. anything on the History Channel
4. ??? I'm running out... I really don't watch TV much at all

4 Places I have been on Vacation
1. Carlsbad Caverns, NM (hey, our family was BROKE!)
2. White Sands, NM (refer to the above)
3. Saint Martin
4. Huntington Beach, CA!! (road trip baby)

4 Favorite Foods
1. fried okra
2. anything smothered in guac and sour cream
3. Dr. Pepper (YES it is a food group)
4. steak

4 Places I'd Rather Be
1. with Mark
2. looking through that HUGE telescope (where is it?) and marveling at all the coolness
3. on vacation
4. on a mountain watching a sunrise

4 Albums I can't live without
1. Van Halen's Greatest Hits
2. John Mayer - the other one, not Room for Squares
3. my Christian mix CD
4. Coldplay
Also, DC Talk, Mariah Carey and Kelly Clarkson... I just like music. Period.

Saw this on the Great Writer's blog...

2006-01-18T15:40:00.000-08:00

Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate

You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great.
One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog...
And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes.
Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

Masquerade

2006-01-18T12:55:00.000-08:00

This has been heavy on my heart lately and for some reason has been a recurring theme in my conversations with people and in circumstances as of late (without me bringing it up). For instance, the other day Mark and I were going into Mardel (a Christian bookstore) to get some stuff for the wedding party. As we approached the door Mark slapped (not in a bad way) the upper part of my thigh. Ok, might as well have been my butt but anyway. I told him to behave since we were walking into Mardel and he said to me, "Oh that's right. We have to keep up our impressions!" Here's the deal: Why was I so concerned about it when walking into Mardel? Would I have been as concerned if we were walking into a theatre or Best Buy? The answer is yes, but the point goes much deeper. Here's the shame: I felt like if anyone walking into Mardel, in Mardel or driving by Mardel would have thought less of us because of his gesture. If he had a wedding band on, that would be different but he doesn't, nor do I, so I was worried about what the other "Christians" would think. I hadn't really thought about what "non-believers" would think. That was more of an after thought.

Since when do we feel like we have to be perfect? Since when did putting on a mask to go to church become acceptable? What does my mask look like? How is it percieved by my Maker?

Maybe we should have Life Groups based on people's struggles so that we could all benefit from those who have been there - so we could truly be built up and edified instead of carrying the burden of hiding our struggles from the rest of our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Are they not fighting the battle also? Are they not just as much of a sinner as we are? YES! So why do we spend SO much time trying to hide... and I think the majority of the time we're not just hiding our struggles and sins from our peers but we actually think we can hide them from God as well! Are we that conceited? A lady told my mom once that my ex-husband and I needed to be separated and not divorced - that we should just live in separate houses but not do the dirty deed of getting a divorced. Did she think that would somehow redeem ourselves? That somehow God wouldn't know the difference? Good grief.

When interviewing singles minister candidates for PC (the church I was serving at) one asked each of us in the room what our vision for the singles group was. I distinctly remember saying that it would be great if our group of singles was so close, felt so loved by one another and so accepted regardless of faults that any of us could stand up at any time and ask for prayer or share a praise. I think half the room thought I was a lunatic and the other half thought that because I mentioned the word "share" and had mentioned the words "the Spirit" that I'd gone off the deep end.

As Romans 6 speaks of in the following passage:
"1What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? 3Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
5If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. 6For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with,[a] that we should no longer be slaves to sinÂ 7because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.

8Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. 10The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.

11In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. 14For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.

Slaves to Righteousness
15What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means!"

No. We as Christians are not called to sin, but we cannot help the fact that we are sinners. We are sinners because we are not gods - we do not have God's deity. When we accept Christ and are baptised, we recieve the gift of the Holy Spirit but we are still sinners. God knows this. We should know this.

Why do I spend so much time beating myself up for things I did years ago? Why do I ask God for forgiveness when He can't remember what I'm talking about because He already forgave the sin? Is my faith so weak that I cannot actually believe that God could forgive me?

Paul prayed for God to take away his "thorn in the flesh" (whatever it was) and God would not. Paul then boasted that Christ is better made known through his weakness because God was seen through that (2 Corinthians 2:19 - "But [God] said to [Paul], "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I (Paul) will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

I'm just thinking that instead of walking around hiding the fact that we sin maybe we ought to just fess up to it. Why do I want to burden myself any more than I have to? After all, we really only find healing when our sin is exposed by the Light and we are willing to walk in the Light.

Once again, I must reiterate that I am not condoning the fact that people sin - only recognizing it in a healthy way because I think the way we (in the churches) have dealt with it is wrong somehow because we have been listening to Satan's lies instead of God's truth.

I think Satan sometimes uses the Truth to try and bind us but really Truth does set people free... we just have to be willing to be freed in that Truth.

Only in my Dreams*

2006-01-10T11:03:00.000-08:00

Been having crazy dreams lately. Just for kicks I looked up some of what's been in my dreams on an online dream interpreter database. Here's what it told me about the following elements of my dreams:

"War
To dream of a war, signifies disorder and chaos in your personal affairs. You also be experiencing some internal conflict or emotional struggle. You are feeling torn between aspects of yourself. Perhaps the dream may indicate that you are being overly aggressive or you are not being assertive enough.

Killing
To dream that you killed someone, forewarns that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. Identity the characteristics of the person that you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards this person in your waking life. You may be expressing some rage or hatred toward this person.
To dream that you have been killed, suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions.
This dream may also represent a part of you or your life that you wish would leave you alone and stop creating a nuisance. Killing may represent the killing off of old parts of yourself and old habits.

Blood
To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. If you see the word "blood" written in your dream, then it may refer to some situation in your life that is permanent and cannot be changed.
To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you. Women often dream of blood or of someone bleeding shortly before or during their periods and when they are pregnant.
To dream that you are drinking blood, indicates that you have a fresh burst of vitality and power."

I think I may write one my recent dreams down. It was kinda crazy.

Send the Pain Below - Chevelle*

2006-01-07T11:48:00.000-08:00

I liked having hurt,
So send the pain below where I need it,
You used to beg me to take care of things,
And smile at the thought of me failing.

But long before, having hurt,
I'd send the pain below,
I'd send the pain below.

Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)

You used to run me away,
All while laughing.
Then cry about that fact,
'til I returned.

But long before, having hurt,
I'd send the pain below,
I'd send the pain below.

Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating.

I can't feel my chest,
Need more, drop down,
Closing in.

I can't feel my chest,
Drop down.

I liked, having hurt.
So send the pain below,
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating) [I liked]
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating) [Having hurt]
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating)
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating)
So send the pain below.

To tea or not to tea

2006-01-06T08:34:00.000-08:00

Some people just make good coffee and tea. I could drink GALLONS of Big Mark's coffee. Oy. It's good. My uncle Bryan brings coffee back from Europe and last time I stayed with Uncle Kendall I had the pleasure of having two cups (really 4) of the liquid gold. Oy. I think the brand is Jakob's.

So why can't I make tea, as much as I love it, like I'd like to? What art am I missing? Hmmmmmm... this has always perplexed me. I registered for and received 6 fabulous Carolina styled tea glass and a pitcher (for a wedding/Christmas gift). Last night I made tea in this pitcher for the first time. My visions of tasting the delectable concoction were shattered when I had a sip of it. How terrible it is to long for a perfect glass of ice tea and come up short!!!

If any of you would like to share your tea recipes (iced or cold) or your favorite coffees please feel free to do so. I always like hearing what other people's palates prefer.

Let's be Frank. Ok. "Hi, I'm Frank."

2006-01-06T07:15:00.000-08:00

Let's just be honest. I'm scared as hell he's going to turn out like the other one. Scared as hell. How does anyone really ever know anyone. That's just it. WE DON'T. We're just supposed to live day to day in faith?

Maybe I'm not so good at this faith thing. Maybe I think too much.

But it's SCARY.

And then what. What happens when once again the Knight turns out to be the Ogre in disguise and then everyone will think all sorts of crap... as if they already don't.

Damn it. Has he done ANYTHING to make me suspicious? No. But last time I was blinded by my own idocracy. This time is COMPLETELY different. But what happens when we get married and he's not interested anymore? What do I do with this fear? I could let it ruin things or I couldn't. What the heck am I supposed to do?

Trust is earned right? Right. So if he's earned it what's my problem?
Here's my problem: people aren't perfect and so I shouldn't expect them to be.

In church, in work, in relationships... I should just let people be people (which I'm more than happy to do.) But maybe I'm too hard on myself and sometimes that transfers to the people I respect and care about most. The Church, family, relationships, friendships. I have never admitted it before now but I'm pretty sure that's my problem.

I apologize to any of you I know personally for ever holding you to too high a standard - one none of us can attain - and then not telling you and stewing in my own hurt and anger over it without telling you. I apologize for letting the sun set when I should have stayed up til daybreak to work it out.

God save me... really, I don't me that in ANY type of sarcastic way. I just don't know what else to do with myself.

Hermit

2006-01-06T07:10:00.000-08:00

Hermit
tucked away nicely in this exoskeleton of memories
eclectic makings of this shell may cause
structural damage - could give way at any minute
but i sit... stewing
stew stew stew
the taste of it in my mouth is bitter and old
moldy
decrepit
but i knaw on the old meat regardless
rehashing the past
knashing my teeth on it

hermit i sit here
hermit i stay
hermit

Double Take

2006-01-06T06:31:00.000-08:00

empty fish tank
re-gifting, indian-giving
re-covered couches left on the curb
that ambiguous look on your face, in your eyes -
the whole of it running through your body, every nerve
flowing from every orifice
simultaneous contradictions - I want to beat it out and make love to it all at once
so high strung with emotions & the lack thereof
this necessity of physical release
Exhaustion.
the disregard
the disappointment
And it's overwhelming.

words so easily spoken so easily
forgotten
flabbergasted by your impenetrable, confounding ways

this anniversary of failure plagues me so
happiness is momentary
until I remember -
Grief.
because I could have done more, done less
Hate.
because I don't care - but I do
Isolation.
because there are few who get it

is there any redemption?

And Then You.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-01-05T11:22:00.000-08:00

I just picked up my wedding dress!!!!! IT'S PERFECT!!!!! I modeled it for the girls at the office. They agreed it's a winner!

I LOVE IT!!!! I told Mark that since I had it we could get married this weekend. He told me to call my family and it would be done...

So really. I want to get married THIS weekend.

YEAH!!!!!!!

I would post a pic but I don't know if Mark will check the blog and I don't want him to see it.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I'll have some cheese with my whine...

2006-01-04T15:40:00.000-08:00

Man. I miss blogging. I have been terribly neglectful. I usually blog on my off times at work... but lately I've know that there wouldn't be enough time to get what I wanted on the screen so I've denied myself the pleasure of writing completely. I don't blog at home usually because my computer is a piece.

So here we are - the keyboard and I, the blank screen waiting for my keystrokes to fill it in.

Now what? Today I feel there is so much to say and nothing to say at all. Ha. Isn't that how it usually goes? I applied for 7 (or maybe 8? can't remember) jobs yesterday. We'll see what happens there. I need to finish getting the stuff together to print inviations... yeah, have to wait to get paid to do that.

You know, I feel I'm running on empty. There are several reasons for this: 1) I give, give, give all day and never have anything left for myself. 2) I haven't been getting enough sleep that past three weeks (except for during my time off for the holidays). 3) I'm just tired. 4) I'm REALLY tired of irritating stuff.

"What's irritating?" you might ask. Well #1 on the list right now is not being listened to. I'm heard (sometimes) but not listened to. My boss is notorious for this. It drives me INSANE. My Dad is good at this also. He's always so dog-gone tired. There is A HUGE difference between listening and hearing. Most people can hear... but most people aren't listening.

When I'm tired and am annoyed or frustrated (OR JUST TIRED) I get to where even if a question is asked I will give the most simple and vague answers because I don't want to go through the hassle of explaining and re-explaining myself (which I find myself doing all the time).

Ug. I just realized I'm more like my Dad in this way that I'd like to be.

On the the next subject: I'm just not sure what to do about church. I really don't. I am not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself, but it makes me ill what's going on (because of the people it affects) and I'm not sure what to do about it as of right now. I think I might know who I need to talk to about it... we'll see what happens there.

Next subject: I need to do about 100 things a day until March and I didn't get any of them done yesterday and I probably won't get as much done tonight as I should.

AND...

I just want to be closer to him. Gosh. I'm tired of spending too much money on my cell phone bill and being so far away. I know, I know. I sound like a cry baby. Really though, I'm not. I'm just overwhelmed today and would like to see him and won't get to until tomorrow.

I'm stopping here. I thought of 5 intelligent things I could write about today and I haven't written on one of them.

Stockings!!! (but not the fishnet kind)

2005-12-22T13:06:00.000-08:00

My bizzle the Beef had the pleasure of going home before Mark and I. We're spending Christmas with Mark's family and New Year's with mine. I spoke with the Beef today (which was good... I've been missing him this week) and he said that Mom went out and bought the whole family new stockings!!!

Ok, so some people get new stockings ever year and some people don't even use their stockings... but at OUR house stockings rule supreme.

Every Christmas morning for as long as I can remember (even if we were in a hotel room) Santa has made SURE to fill our stockings with all kinds of goodies. I get more excited about what's in my stocking than what I get in wrapped boxes! Of course, I had to get the low down from Beef (how can I go a week without knowing what my new stocking looks like... how will I know which one Santa set aside for me?!?!?! This is IMPORTANT STUFF people!!!!)

So, here's the rundown on the stocking situation at my parent's house:
Dad: I've been informed that his stocking has Santa on it. :)
Mom: her stocking has an angel on it
Me: my stocking has penguins and hearts on it (and the Beef said the penguins look VERY happy)
Killjoy: his stocking has reindeer on it, oh what fun!
Beef: his is very manly with the bears on it... hehe
And last but not least... drumroll please cause this is AWESOME!!!!!
Mark: YES!!! My mom bought Mark a stocking!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!! his stocking has a snowman and a penguin on it. (I think Mom did that on purpose... since my has penguins on it with hearts... his has a penguin and a snowman. How cleaver (or she may not have thought about it at all and I'm being completely twitterpated, either case it's way too much fun!)

I had to call Mark at lunch and tell him about the stocking situation. He thought it was as cool that he had one! I'm so glad!

Beef is a little offended because the stockings are hung in this order: Dad, Mom, me, Killjoy, Mark and Beef. I guess I would feel a little annoyed as well! Mark ranks above Beef now?!?!

Anyway, I LOVE stockings and am so EXCITED to see what they look like and see them haning by the chimney. I wonder what amazing things Santa has for our stockings this year... hmmm... I'll have to spend a WHOLE WEEK before I find out. We told Santa not to come to our house until New Year's when we're all together.

Another Dissapointment

2005-12-16T13:01:00.001-08:00

I didn't get the job. Suprise, suprise. And I prepared myself for not getting it so explain to me why I cried about it???? And I don't want to hear from anyone that "God will provide"... I just don't. It's not like I don't know that. But I don't want to hear it. Not now.

This has been the year of dissapointments. I'm a dissapointment my life events are dissapointments. The hits just keep on coming.

So on with the job hunt.

Today is going by about as fast as molassas. On top of feeling like an cow and thinking about the things I need to do to not look like a cow I feel like eating the house down this week. It's driving me crazy.

And if anyone in this office brings up the fact that Mark and I have not had sex I think I'll go postal on them. POSTAL. Leave me alone. Yeah, I made a decision and you can shove your opinion about it right up your...

What the heck? What the stinkin heck? Beef and I were talking the other day and it's like our family has the worst luck of anyone. I won't get into why right now. That's a post for later.

I'm tired. I want to go to bed when I get home but I can't. I have to clean up the casarole that my roommate has left sitting out for 3 days. THREE DAYS!!!!! The dishes are piled in the sink and it SMELLS. I haven't been home to clean it up and I got home last night and was nearly knocked over by the smell. I'm tired of cleaning up for people. At work, at home and in EVERYTHING. Once I clean up the place, then I get to drive to Fort Worth. I want to see my friend but I don't want to drive. I don't want to. I feel like I spend all my time in my car or at work.

I'm tired of driving half way across the metroplex to see people.

And this whole Prestoncrest thing just hurts. It hurts. And there's nothing anyone can do because you can't make people change.

I'm tired and I want to go to bed, but it's only 3:12 pm and I have to work until at least 5.

Days like these I want to crawl in a dark hole and never come out. It's been building for a while now...

If only I could be as cool as this roo. What would life to be like to be a kangaroo? Hmmmm... interesting I'm sure.

Beef, Discom and Ram - A Meeting of the Minds

2005-12-15T10:07:00.000-08:00

Last night, the fab trio listed in the above got together for dinner. TGIFriday's wasa happenin' place let me tell ya.

We talked for 2 1/2 hours... I think our waiter thought we were never going to leave! But we had a GREAT time and stimulating discussion. I think our plot to overthrow Scott's evil regime in Hawaii is complete!

Discom - THANK YOU. You know what I'm talking about... THANK YOU.

Through the looking glass

2005-12-14T14:10:00.000-08:00

I feel like a cow. I tried on wedding dresses last week and I looked terrible. I certainly didn't look like the models I have seen so many of in bridal magazines. I need to tone up and loose some weight. I need to sit up straight.

I wish I were only a few inches taller. That would solve alot of my problem. For instance, my friend and I weigh the same but because she's 5'8" she look skinny and great and I look like a cow. There are some days I hate being short SOOOOOOOOO bad.

My arms: why is it that both sides of our families have big arms??? TINY wrists and huge upper arms. TINY feet and big thighs. UG.

I hate it when I get so overwhelmed with appearance. I'm bombarded at work and these bridal magazines aren't helping either. There's only anorexic people and dresses I can't afford.

I HATE feeling this way. HATE it. But I don't know how to make it go away.

The indulgence is sickening...

2005-12-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

Em just got a package at the office. I heard her having a heart attack all the way back in my office.

Her sugar daddy (no, seriously) just sent her a $1000 gift card to Nordstrom and a Dolce&gabbana handbag and wallet.

!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

Need I say more?

HeadSpin

2005-12-13T11:43:00.000-08:00

Wow. I think I need a break. I can't hardly concentrate. Every time I think of one thing I need to get done I'm hit with the thought of the other 100 things that need to be done as well.

I have moved my laptop (at work) to the back office so that I can shut the door and get the checklists for training done(I'm training the girl that will take my place - if I get this other job. If I don't, she'll be here to help take some of the load off.) I am going 90 to nothing and there's no way I can think about stopping til I at least have some of the stuff in my head organized and on paper.

Wedding: WOW. Two and a half months to get this thing done. And I would rather run off to Vegas or some chapel in Arkansas. Oh well. And we're already behind and everyone has their opinion of what should happen when and where and how much it should cost and... BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Work: Training is exhausting. I don't think I truly realized how much I do here until I had to start training someone else on how to do it. I do ALOT of stuff here. Really and truly, I do what everyone else doesn't - AND THAT'S NO EXAGGERATION.

Personal: I'm tired of being hurt by the Church. I really am. So there goes Prestoncrest... down the drain. Oy. Can't really elaborate on that one right now. Among other things... I'm trying to get New Year's plans together and I can't do that until I know whether or not I got the job. And I need to find a home for Sydney and I need to figure out Christmas presents and I need to get my dress ordered and I need to meet with some people I haven't in awhile...

O.k. must get back to work - but I had to have some mental release.

Oy.

*O Christmas Tree...

2005-12-08T15:16:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday my boss sent us all home because she was afraid of the weather situation. We had sleet that was supposed to freeze. So in lew of working I decided to put up my christmas tree. I had previously decided not to put it up... but yesterday I had a change of heart.

My tree reminds me much of the tree Charlie Brown made up in his christmas special. It's not a huge tree (I put it on the dining table) and the ornaments aren't expensive. But you know, I think those are the best kinds of trees.

My parents tree (growing up) consisted of ornaments we gave each other and ornaments we made growing up. It's the best tree in the world. For christmas, I would love to decorate the tree with my family again. THAT would be the best christmas present ever.

Oh and I have to give props to Sydney for helping me decorate so well. :)

THAT clocks' a tickin'

2005-12-05T15:59:00.000-08:00

It seems wherever I go lately I'm around little kids or babies. *sigh* And I have NEVER been one to talk about maternal clocks and all that crap... but...

I can't believe I'm going to say this...

here we go...

I want a baby. Yeah. There I said it. I don't want one right now... I've just been thinking about it ALOT.

I'm insane. I know.

I have these friends that got pregnant on their honeymoon (that's kinda sweet you know... if you're ready... and if you're not, God will take care of it.) Anyway, she is SOOOOOO excited and he is SOOOOOOO excited and it's the cutest thing ever!!! I'm SO happy for them! They are WAAAAAY too cute for words.

The whole idea of two people coming together to create life (by the grace of God I might add...) is amazing to me. It is TOTALLY by the grace of God men and woman can be together in the first place (as different as they are) and it's even MORE amazing that their union can create a living being!!! Holy cow! It blows my mind!!! It must be cool. I don't know if I'll ever experiance that (the baby thing) but we'll see what God has in store.

Here's a rant/question: Why the HECK are women who can't take care of their children properly allowed to have children and women who would give their life for their children barren???

Anyway... will blog more later. Need to jet for the time being.

It's not worth it Roy!

2005-12-02T08:02:00.000-08:00

It's December and there's no snow. It's not even cold. How lame is that? I have no desire to put up a Christmas tree when it's warm outside. I'm sure eventually I'll come around... but in the meantime I feel kinda "Ba Humbug" about it.

If there were snow in front of my apartment I would build a snowman city! Then I'd set Sydney at post to watch them! I deck her out in yule-tide (sp?) camouflage and arm her with an M16. Then incidences like this one below would never happen...

The next cartoon makes me think of Dad. I think he usually has a look like that on his face with all the crazies he gets at the clinic!

Holy cow... and other mysteries

2005-12-01T14:57:00.000-08:00

Planning a wedding is like asking for Chinese torture... or banging your head against the wall repeatedly. It's such an emotional deal and everyone has their opinion.

My stomach has been KILLING me the last two days. The last two nights I've been unable to sleep. How ridiculous. I wasn't stressed until two days ago. Dang it all.

Really the main thing is money. If you had and unlimited budget then things would be so much simpler.

Holy cow. I'm about ready to run off by ourselves, but then that makes the situation look bad because we've only known each other 4 months and our families are tripping out and they really should be there and be a part. And I want them to be. But this is stress.

Really. I feel like I need to puke.

I'm marrying the most fabulous man on the planet...

2005-11-29T12:36:00.000-08:00

After posting the previous post... I noticed I had a text message on my phone. Mark sent me a text that said, "I just wanted to say I love you."

*insert sigh of relief*

How is it I am so blessed by him? How is it he is so amazing? Good grief... it continually blows my mind. He is so selfless. He is so good at seeing where people are and then helping them see that themselves. He is great with kids. He longs and seeks a personal relationship with his God. He loves people unconditionally - really unconditionally. And he's smart - he's actually intelligent. And not intelligent in a know-it-all kind of way either. He's just fabulous.

Wow. Wow wow wow.

I just love him.

By the way... a friend of his died this weekend. His name was Adam. Please pray for Adam's family and friends during this time. It's never easy to lose anybody, but especially when they're young.

from the pit of insanity...

2005-11-29T12:25:00.000-08:00

* I need a new job. I hate this one. Hate it.
* I need to not stress about a wedding (which I hadn't really until yesterday).
* I need to not stress about money... but how can I not right now?
* I need to tell people how I feel instead of holding it all in for the sake of everyone else... which I had been much better at until recently.
* I need to not stress about my problem that I can't tell anyone except my Mom about.
* I need to not worry about money.
* Ditto.
* Ditto.

And have I mentioned today that I hate my job?

*In Those Jeans

2005-11-29T07:00:00.000-08:00

My pants are too big. I'm not complaining. Not at all. This is a good problem to have. However, a co-worker of mine has to point it out all the time. The other day she told me that: "it looks like a mess of Mexicans moved out of your ass."

??????????

What in the world? When I have the money, I'll buy some new pants, alright? In the meantime it's not that bad. Except that another co-worker tells me I should get out my sewing machine. Yeah. Let's ruin my sewing machine with my jeans... and I can't sew and inseam well anyway! You think it looks bad now... good grief!

Leave me and my pantalones alone! We're fine, thank you! Besides, I like the ghetto gansta look anyway.

Thanksgiving Recap

2005-11-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

SOOOOOOO... this weekend was fabulous. JUST FABULOUS. Could it have been any better? Nope. I think not. It was perfect.

First off: Grandmom Browning - the patriarch of the family! She is amazing. Roofing houses at age 70, breaking into her own house and climbing through windows at 90... mastering the art of gravy... what CAN'T she do?!?!

I made a cherry pie on Wednesday (which the uncles gave me grief about... but guess what, none of it was left to take home!!) The grief was due to the fact that I covered the top of it in hearts. Hey, I was being decorative! I didn't have enough crust to make long enough lattice strips, so I improvised.

Of course, family and food are always great. And, with Thanksgiving you get football. How can you have Thanksgiving without football? Sacriledge! A&M put up a pretty good fight against T.U. but did not prevail in the end. We'll get 'em next year! And unfortunately the Wheezer/Geezer Bowl 2005 had a dim ending as well. Claraslvr brought two of her friends from Harding - one of which was quickly recruited to play for the Geezers by Uncle Mark. Oh the shame. Amongst other shames, Kara played for the Geezers as well - so REALLY THEY WEREN'T the Geezers. They were a mixture of Wheezers and Geezers so they had the best of both sides. Mark (my fiance) played all time QB and we had a good game. The Wheezers consisted of: Claraslvr, Kandi, Beef, Trav, Ram and Little Mark. The Geezers were: Frustrated Writer, Little Mark, Uncle Kendall, Gabe (friend of Claraslvr) and Kara. The ending score was Geezers 7, Wheezers 2. Alas, despite the Wheezers efforts, the Geezers prevailed. Again. ??????? It's a mystery folks, a mystery.

Here are the winners with the game-winning football (note Kara's head bowed in shame!)

Here are the valiant losers, showing a little of their best and worst sides:

We took a timeout during the game to go see the old store that used to be open when my Dad was a kid. It was open when I was very young... I remember going in to buy a piece of grape bubblicious. Here are some pics from the store as it is now, a museum:

Friday my Mom, Dad, Beef, Mark and I went to Fredricksburg for a Texas Highschool playoff game. We went to the Christmas store (always fun!) and grabbed a bite to eat, then headed to the game. It was great! I would posts pics, but they're on my Dad's camera. Unfortunately I left mine at the house. After the game we headed out of town but before we left the Beef, Mark and I took our picture as gingerbread men (you know, the kind of wooden cut outs you stick your head through) on the lawn off mainstreet where they had some lights set up. We got several laughs! Unfortunately, I don't have that pic either.

When we left for home on Sunday, the trio (Beef, Mark and I) stopped in Dublin on the way home and went inside the Dublin Dr. Pepper factory. I, of course, had to take a picture of the coolest city limits sign ever:

An engaging weekend!

2005-11-28T11:12:00.000-08:00

On November 20, 2005 Mark proposed to me! We went to my parent's house so he could ask my Dad for a blessing to get married. Mark didn't want to ask me until he talked to my Dad. On our way out of town, in the nothingness between Artesia and Eunice, New Mexico Mark supposedly "remembered" that he'd forgotten something.

"Oh crap!"
"What?"
"I think I forgot my black belt." He looks very concerned at this point.
"Can I pull over and see if it's in the trunk?
"Sure. That's fine."

Mark gets out and rummages through the trunk. In the meantime, I'm looking out the driver's side window trying to figure out what we'll do if he forgot it. Did he really want to drive and hour back to Artesia to get it? Couldn't my Mom ship it to him? Could we not buy a new one? And then my car door opens...

"Hey, I got a question for ya..."
I turn around to see Mark, on one knee with the ring in his hand, HUGE grin on his face. At this point I am COMPLETELY FLOORED. I had NO idea - I was SO suprised (which is exactly what he wanted as we discussed later). He had to ask me three times because I couldn't believe it!
"Will you marry me?"
Eventually I squeled, "OF COURSE!" and that sealed the deal.

We stood outside the car and savored the moment.
"Wow. This is big. Let's pray," he said. And so we did. I LOVE THIS MAN!!

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY!!!!

You know, pulling over on the side of the road because you can't wait any longer to ask may not seem like such a big deal. But let me tell you, I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED in my life. It was perfect. I was completely suprised. Mark said he'd planned out several ideas... working it into a Young Life skit was one of them. But he really wanted me to be suprised. If he'd taken me out to a really nice place to eat, I would have been wondering... and he didn't want me to know it was coming. IT WAS PERFECT. PERFECT.

The rest of the trip home was great. We called everyone we knew to share the news. Shocking news to most, but fabulous news nonetheless. I was excited to hear and see him so excited about it.

And now you guys can be exited too!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

2005-11-23T11:34:00.000-08:00

I LOVE ME some Thanksgiving. I love Lohn, TX. I love my Grandmom Browning's house. I love all the food everyone brings. I love the fellowship. I LOVE MY FAMILY. I am thankful for so much, and as Discom stated on her blog, the list of my thankfulness grows everyday. I am so blessed... SO BLESSED it's unbelievable.

Just so everyone knows, I will be posting about my proposal but I'm waiting to get my ring back from being sized so that I can take a picture! So you can all wait in anxious anticipation!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!

I'M ENGAGED!!!!!

2005-11-21T15:22:00.000-08:00

Yes folks. It's official. I'm engaged to the dashing Mark (would insert his whole name, but not sure that would be wise...)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More details to come later but wanted to share the news!!!

Heavy Laden*

2005-11-15T15:03:00.000-08:00

So this morning at around 4 (I had been sleeping on and off due to this stupid cough that decides to railroad me when I turn in for bed) I woke up and had the HUGEST sneeze ever. Yes folks, blew green snot all over the side of the bed. Spectacular! Scared my dog to death. I went to the restroom, got some toilet paper (I'm fresh out of Kleenex) and went back to bed to clean it up. But this, my friends, is only the beginning. As I'm rolling out the TP, I think of a song (yes people, I'm that much of a dork). It goes to the tune of an old hymn (can't remember the name, but the real word to the chorus are: ye that labor and are heavy laden, lean upon your dear Lord's breast, ye that labor and are heavy laden come and I will give you rest). I like my version better today:

"Ye that are congested
Kleenex heavy laden,
Be careful which way you turn your nose.
Ye that sneeze until you blow your brains out
You will sneeze until the antibiotics kick in."

And so ensued my day of relentless sneezing.

I get to work and I'm sitting in my holed-up corner... and here comes another sneeze. Like the first, I didn't expect it to blow green snot everywhere, but alas I couldn't have been more wrong. I turned my head to the right (so as not to sneeze on the left side of my desk... it's L shaped, you getting the picture?) and SNEEZED so hard - and that's when I heard the *SPLAT*. My green mucous decided to land happily on the plastic mat with a HUGE *SPLAT* sound. I started laughing. Oh yes - laughing. Then I realized that at any moment my boss could come in and see this hideous ameoba of snot on my floor mat and I quickly dove for the Kleenex box (I have two boxes of Kleenex on my desk, on to the left and one to the right) so as to clean up my nose's mess.

All's well that ends well... unless you still have a sinus infection even after you sneeze your brains out.

HA! You guys just read a story about snot!! HA! That's hilarious!!!

I will fight the good fight... I will run the race with perseverance...

2005-11-15T09:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday it seemed I battled Satan all day long. Most days I would have handled it better, but being sick didn't help my situation. Satan told me lies all day and I was tempted into believing him. He is so crafty and so good at his deceit... yesterday it was overwhelming. But this morning I am renewed and find strength in the arms of the Father and from those that love and support me. Praise God for His surpassing goodness... surpassing goodness. How great is His love for us! How can we help but praise Him all day long?

Psalm 103
Of David.
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-

18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.

21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.

22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.

2005-11-14T16:35:00.000-08:00

Hmmmm...

Elvish

To which race of Middle Earth do you belong?
brought to you by Quizilla

A Trip to the MD's Office (and other tales from the crypt)

2005-11-14T15:27:00.000-08:00

This morning I went to the doctor. Have been feeling like crap since last Wednesday. Pretty sure it's a sinus infection... but had to wait til I had some money to go to the MD.

It is inevitable that the question of whether or not you could be pregnant comes up. Arg. And I love it when they ask when your last period was cause when I answer it ALWAYS throws them for a loop which then requires further explanation.

MD: "When was your last period?"
Ram: *insert my answer
MD: "Is it always like that?"
Ram: "Yup. For as long as I can remember." *insert more explanation
MD: "Is there a possibility you could be pregnant?"
Ram: "No."
MD: *looking at me like I'm and IDIOT... "Are you sure?"
Ram: "Yup. Pretty sure."
MD: "Do you take precautions?"
At this point, I really want to LAUGH out loud, but refrain.
Ram: "I'm not sexually active."
MD: He looks at me for a moment and says, "Well I guess that's the best kind of precaution then, isn't it?"
Ram: I look at him wanting to say about 50 different things, but once again, refraining.

When I had foot surgery a few years ago for the first time (did both right and left feet... right one first, it was the worst) I was in the out patient surgery area just waiting to get it over with. Before they would put me under though, they had to "verify" that I wasn't pregnant. Thus ensues this conversation:

Nurse: "Is there any possibility you cold be pregnant?"
Ram: "No."
Here's the funny thing, J and my grandmother are sitting in the room with me. I don't have my contacts in, can't see squat and I've had to sign about 50 different papers already and the frustration is mounting.
Nurse: "Are you sure?"
Ram: "Yeah."
Nurse: "We have to get a urine sample to be sure."
At this point I'M PISSED. How am I supposed to pea in a cup when I can't see? And they want me to walk half way across the room to do in a hospital gown. NO THANK YOU.
Ram: "I'm not pregnant."
Nurse: "We have to be sure."
Ram: "Lady, if I was pregnant it'd be the equivalent of the next virgin Mary."
Nurse: SHE JUST STARES AT ME
So we trek over to the restroom and she hands me a cup.
Nurse: "I know you're grandmother is in there, so you may not have wanted to answer honestly... but we need to know if you're pregnant."
At this point I'm wondering what in the world it is I'm not saying to her to make her understand the situation.
Ram (loudly): "I'm not pregnant cause I'm a virgin!"
This is where all the people at the nurse's station and all of everyone STOPS TALKING AND TURNS AROUND TO STARE AT ME the big idiot.
Nurse (like she's talking to a baby): "O.k., sweetie, we'll get you taken care of."
She takes the cup from my hand and voila! No peeing in a cup for me.
From that point on, the surgeon and the anethesiologist all treated me as if I was... well, "special." Good grief Charlie Brown!

I just hate it that it comes up every time. Anytime you go see the Doc, they're going to ask and then it becomes a huge fiasco.

And here's the crazy thing: it's not like I couldn't get any if I didn't want to, it's that I'm crazy enough to have the will power not to. Because at some point in my life I decided to make a commitment to God and take what he said seriously (even if it does make a person insane from time to time.)

Anyway, I hate the Dr's office. They're never fun.

Blessed are the what?

2005-11-14T09:54:00.000-08:00

I feel my blog has been compromised. What should I care, right? Shouldn't I just write and say whatever it is I want to? Sure. That's Christ-like, right? What in the world. I can't even say what it is I want to say without worrying about what someone else will think or feel. But this is my space, right? If you don't like it don't read it.

Sorry. Had to vent.

I was thinking this morning on the way to work about this verse in Matthew 5:

8Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.

And what is it to "pure in heart?" Purity can be associated with the physical state or the mental state I think. Am I of sound and pure motive? Am I thinking pure thoughts? You get my drift.

But this is worrisome. "Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God..." And what of those who aren't?

We live in a society where impurity reigns. REIGNS. I'll go so far as to say that it has become a god. This is greatly disturbing to me and what's more disturbing is that we go to church and do our thing and most people have become desensitized to the impurity that surrounds them. The impurity in their own lives!

I had all these thoughts to right down and now that I'm here at work they escape me.

God help us.