Like garbage, forgotten to be taken out.

Remembered -
half hazardly tossed to the dumpster
A recepticle for waste -
the excess
the unwanted
the left overs

You used what you liked, as you pleased.

Disregard me.
Dispose of me.

Are you finished?
After all this time - who knew it would be you?
Wouldn't the work have been worth it?
I guess not, if trash is all you get for your work.

So I sit, up to here in trash.

this is war

Sword heavy, unable to lift
shoulders sore, back aching
Helmet sweaty, calloused hands
Grief makes the heart faint

the clash of metal
their unfair tactics
the deception...
the smell of their sulfer...

I am weary
armor heavy, burdened by guilt
so weighted by my own sinfulness

Continuing on, must keep on
struggling to see the light,
groping for any sign of hope

Open my eyes! God show me!
Please show me and send aid!
Will it never end?

Cut off at the knees, bleeding nubs,
seemingly the last blow?

bleed out
bleed out

pooling red saltiness so I'm left to drown
and I know you are there... so why aren't you here?

And then you come to me... you are there
Legions surrounding, protecting

For a moment, oh, blessed moment!... transcending peace.

Only for a moment and then battle rages on.

For peace's time of permanence has not yet come... not yet come.
Peace's time has not yet come...

During devotional tonight, Bob talked about memories and how strongly we are tied to them. It made me think of my greatest and most cherished memories... these are some of them:

* Riding in the suberban with my family in the desert of New Mexico listening to Rush, Boston and Kansas for hours on end thinking that a trip to Carlsbad Caverns was like a trip to Disney World

* Trips to Grandmom Browning's house, listening to Ray Bradbury books on tape, looking for the red roof (when it was still red)

* Bisquets and gravy at Grandmom's house

* Coffee with my grandparents

* Digging up change for buy one get one free large limeades at Sonic, after school was out each day, with Tocarro

* Uncle Tim reading us the Grover book at Memaw & Pepaw's house, in the GROVER VOICE!!! It rocked!!!

* Flying kites at Central with my bros and Jenny

* Roller skating with Jenny... while our dogs pulled us!

* Daddy's Night Out

* Going to Wonderland with my grandparents and cousins

* Catching fireflys in jars in Tuscola

* Laying in Virda's hospital bed with her sharing secrets!

* Talking with Memaw C... anytime, any place... it's just special

Grilled Cheese Goodness

How is it that some people just can't take hints? And how is it that some evenings can be so wonderful and some SO terrible... (I really can't get over the other day... ug! how terrible! how do I get myself into these situations!!?!?) Like last night was great. Walked the dogs with my brother, made some grilled cheese and chocolate chip cookies and watched some tv. Talked to a friend about the singles ministry we're about to take leadership of and the challeges ahead. Went to bed tired and satisfied, excited with where my life is headed and whats to come. God is good.

That's all. Just thoroughly satisfied. And tired. But a good tired.

I'm so stoked. STOKED.

Praise God. "All things work for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose."

Even divorce.

Tower of Power

I wasn't going to blog about it, but I had nightmares about it and I can't get over my own stupidity... or maybe it's his own stupidity, so I'm blogging. I went on a date Saturday. The only reason it was a date is because he paid. That constitutes a date right? Paying? What the heck is a date anyway? Just the asking and the paying? Anyway, he had concert tickets and tickets to Six Flags. He picked me up, we got there and rode a ride, one I wasn't particularly thrilled about riding but did anyway. While waiting to ride the Superman Tower of Power he procedes to ask me questions. Not just any questions, but ones like, "what's your worst break-up" and whatnot. Are you serious? He knows what my worst break up is. So thus begins a whole series of questions that I am obviously not very willing to answer due to the fact that he is digging for information I am not willing to give because it's none of his business. We've only talked three time!!!! What was he doing?!?!?! When I'm ready to tell you about It, I will. Don't try to fish for information that isn't yours to catch. Gosh. So I'm feeling really accosted and attacked, really, and here we are, it's time to get on the ride. Let me tell you about the ride.

This ride takes you straight up into the air, feet dangling, plumets you to the ground and back up again - stops - and back up again, and again, all at random. You are at it's mercy. Completely at it's mercy because you don't know when it will move or what direction it will take you. I can handle roller coasters. But I HATE heights. HATE THEM. Let me repeat for emphasis. HATE THEM. HATE HATE HATE. The second we left the ground I regretted ever setting my butt on the seat of the Superman. The only time in my life I have ever been in hysterics has been my senior year of high school when I had a panic attack... I went running to relieve stress and needless to say it didn't help. I made it worse, I couldn't breathe, I got scared, scared turned to panic and so on. I had to go to the hospital. It took everything in me on Saturday to not go into hysterics. I think I was already in a emotionally heitened state and then we got onto that stupid ride and it scared me to death... I didn't trust him, I didn't trust that machine yanking me throught the air and I nearly lost it, literally. I had to mentally go somewhere else. I think that that's almost sad because I got to thinking about it and I realized that in the past three years I have done that alot. I have had to escape mentally because I couldn't handle it. I couldn't deal.

Superman flinging me around and him laughing the whole time and the knot in my stomache getting tighter and tighter and being at the mercy of him and the mercy of the ride and the whole situation... it may not sound to some people like such a big deal, but let me tell you it was aweful. But of course, me being who I am, I played if off, like it was all o.k. because that's what I do best. I practiced that well over three years. Got real good at it.

We went to eat afterwards, just to make things worse, he drove me home, I opened the car door, told him thanks and that it wasn't necessary to walk me to the door. He said it was o.k. he didn't mind.

"It's really ok." I said.
"No, I'll walk you to your door." he says.

Really? Fine. Since you can't take a hint. We walked to the door, I already have my door key out and in hand, we approach the door, I have my key outstretched and am putting it into the keyhole... am facing the door... am turning the doorknob... and I feel this arm around me... ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?!?!? I turn half way around, and he is attempting to give me a hug. Give me a break. Have I given you permission to touch me? No. Have I even given you the slightest signals that that was even desired? NO. So shove off!!!!!

And he called last night. I did not answer the phone.

Father's

I was thinking about my Dad this morning. I called and left him a message... was trying to be encouraging... not quite sure if I succeeded or not, but as they say: it's the thought that matters. Dad is currently dealing with a situation that is most troubling. And I think he feels betrayed. I think he's probably hurt. Anyway, my grandmother said that he told her that he thought this person was a friend... and she told him (the truth)that the relationship is one sided - all Dad's. Gee... this sounds familiar.

John Mayer has a song that says: "Fathers be good to your daughters, for daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers so mothers be good to your daughters too."

I have always been my Dad's daughter... no questions there. I guess I have been realizing lately how much. And like my mother as well. On Wednesday I was talking to a good friend of mine and he made the comment that I'm "always worked up." Well, people think that of my Mom too. We're just passionate people... not angry or upset, just passionate. Martin Luther was passionate! You can't change the world without being passionate. Christ was passionate! See, it's biblical. Passion is good. Most the time; the rest of the time it makes you crazy. Anyway, that was a tangent! See, another way I'm like my mother: tangents.

Back to the topic at hand, John Mayers lyrics ring true. My Dad loves people without reservation, with out expecting anything back. He just loves. Whether they wrong him or not, he loves. Whether they reciprocate or not. I am like my father in this manner. I guess I hadn't thought about it before this year, but it's true. It's almost scary how much it's true. My Dad will forever love J, even after everything that happened. Even after he lied to Dad just like he did me. We love him. We love his soul.

Thank you Dad for teaching me to love.

I love you.

Yesssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!

I GOT ACCEPTED TO THE UNIVERSITY OF NORTH TEXAS!!!!!

I'm going to art school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woooo whooooo!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because of you...

I am so sick and tired of being stabbed in the back. I'm tired of being everyone else's doormat. I'm tired of working my butt off and getting nothing in return. I'm am tired of being hurt. TIRED OF IT!!!!!! I'm not sure what it is, I'm not sure why it is but I'm sure I'm tired of it.

I have lost: three of my best friends (C, T & J who were supposed to be there. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE!!!! And J, you just gave up... AND YOU MADE VOWS, VOWS!!!!! before God and man) I've lost respect for all humanity, there have been times when I have lost the will to live... I've lost all desire to trust anyone.

I'm tired of trusting people with myself and getting SCREWED OVER!!!!!!! If you're going to talk about me, do it when I'm standing there, not when I'm not around and can't defend myself. I WAS THERE FOR YOU!!!!!! And this is how I'm repaid???!?!?!?!! What the heck? How dare you. Do you really think I wanted all this to happen, and now, instead of being there you're going to condemn me to Hell and leave me for dead. Thanks. Thanks. Because God can forgive your sin and not mine? Got the book and verse for that one? I'm sure you do... YOU HAVE MISSED THE BOAT. MISSED IT.


And then I think of Christ... and I cry.


And I'm sick of crying. And I'm sick of trying to please everyone else, because even when you do they hate you for it anyway. Sick. Sick. Sick.

She really should do commercials...

Sydney's sportin' the Doggles!

Doggles

So I bought these sunglasses for Sydney called Doggles. She wears them when we're riding in the car. The best part about this (besides her looking so cool) is the reactions of people in neighboring cars. Friday my bro, Sydney and I were on our way to my apartment from Memaw's house. My bro and I had on our boonie hats (what satisfaction) and Sydney her Doggles. At a stop light a man in a truck glanced over and started to chuckle at the sight of a dog with its head out the window... with sunglasses on! I watched as he dug around in his console for something. Sure enough, he pulled out his camera phone and took a picture! I thought it was great! Sydney and I should be in Sprint commercials. I could use the extra cash and Sydney is bound for stardom... after all, with a face like that, who wouldn't be?

At the next light we were at my brother saw a lady look over and start laughing hysterically at Sydney in her Doggles. I love it. Who knew a pair of $10 Doggles from doggles.com (those of you with dogs and Jeeps, this is a must) would bring so much happiness to so many people? I feel my $10 was not frivolous spending at all, but a way to change the world. After all, Sydney can prevent road rage with that cute face and those fabulous Doggles.

Will it never end?

I put my application into the University of North Texas about a week ago. Found out on Thursday that ACU had not sent my transcipt to them yet, so the application process was on hold. Faxed a transcript request to ACU and now I wait. I hate the wait. I have told myself that I will have peace no matter the circumstances or outcome of the situation... as I did before with UTD and the audiology program. And over all I do have peace, I just can't stand the waiting between now and then.

And to be quite honest, I'm afraid. My mind is dizzy with the "what ifs." Ug. This doesn't sound like it should be that big of a deal and in the grand scheme of things, it isn't. But in the mean time I wait. And waiting is never any fun.

Happy 4th?

I have always loved the 4th of July... from the cheesy patriotic music to the setting of of fireworks. Last night some friends and I went to watch fireworks in Addison at "Kaboom Town." Apparently they've done this for many years and people sit on the sidewalks and park their cars and trucks in empty land lots and watch the spectacular display of fireworks. We were all sitting around talking about what we used to do for the 4th when we were children and I got to thinking. And this thinking made my heart ache for days when things weren't so complicated, when chilled watermelon and a Roman Candle were the epitomy of happiness... when catching fireflies in glass jars so as to contain the magic of them for just a moment and sleeping with windows open on hot summer nights were all we knew. When the biggest upset or heartbreak was someone calling you a bad name or not wanting to play the game you wished to play.

On this 4th of July, I long for the days of the less complicated and heartbreaking. I long for the peace that comes with good friends and the best family in the world.

And while I'm not with my family, I have peace. I have good friends now and I realize I can make it. I will make it.

So, happy 4th of July everyone! I hope yours is the best one yet... and if it isn't that you realize that it can only get better. It can only get better.

Fire & Rain

I heard some James Taylor on the way to work this morning. He always makes me think of my Mom, not sure why but especially when I hear Fire & Rain and Shower the People.
I love the lyrics to this song and they hit home with me today especially, so I decided to post them. Besides it's musical genius, it makes me long for home. Here and after...

Fire & Rain
Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone.
Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you.
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song,
I just can't remember who to send it to.
I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I'd see you again.

Won't you look down upon me, Jesus, You've got to help me make a stand.
You've just got to see me through another day.
My body's aching and my time is at hand and I won't make it any other way.
Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I'd see you again.

Been walking my mind to an easy time, my back turned towards the sun.
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around.
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come.
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground.

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
but I always thought that I'd see you baby, one more time again, now.

Thought I'd see you one more time again.
There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now.
Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you, fire and rain, now.

Blur

At this time, vision is blurred
purpose and reality distorted, stiffled

dreams are so vivid but long coming

paint these pictures in my mind,
make them real with the pen

Fizzle out, exhausted from my keep,
like flat coke -
wasted.

Blurry.

Wipe the haze from my eyes - remains
This miasma so perplexing and yet -
compelling.

Am I drowning?
How long must I wander half blind
in this cold place? this heartless orb?

Grasping, gasping for anything - please show me

To have peace, to see a light -
hope at last ...

make the high places level so that my feet
may have even paths to tread!

Show me the way -

but there is only the blur

Blessings?

Prentice preached a few months ago about Jacob wrestling with God and how he asked God for a blessing at the end of the "battle." My mom told me that due to that fact that I have wrestled with God for a good 2 1/2 years that my blessing is coming soon.

This makes me wonder. What type of a blessing? Is there actually going to be a "significant" blessing for the times we spent in trial. I have wonderful friends here in Dallas now that I never imagined I would have. I have a wonderful supportive family. I have a great dog and an apartment with air conditioning, a fridge with food in it and a closet full of clothes.

While I DO NOT taken these blessings for granted and thank God every time I think about how lucky I am, (really and truly, despite everything previous to this new-found renaissance in my life) I wonder. I am in a singles group that needs new leadership and for several months now have felt called to step up and take action. Is this the blessing? Positions of leadership are rarely a blessing. They are more often struggles. I have always been one to love a challenge, no matter what the challenge. And I feel that inspite of the "D" and inspite of being in a singles group (where I never thought I would be... by every right shouldn't be) I feel blessed. I feel called. I feel that God truly does "work for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." It's one thing to know something, its entirely another to experience it. I just keep thinking, "How is it I am so blessed?"

I have a friend who tells me all the time (and it gets old hearing it) that I'm "way too healthy for where [I've] been." First of all, what is that supposed to mean, and second, no I'm not. Considering where I've come from, I'm so happy to be sane again its almost maddening. Besides it never did anyone any good to sit in their own misery - it gets you no where.

This post isn't going to make sense to anyone, I'm sure. But I felt the need to get these thoughts off my chest regardless.

I've decided to post a blog about my Bizzle, the GreatBeefalo. I've really enjoyed his presence since he moved to my area of Texas. He'll kill me for posting a pic, but I like this picture because it's goofy and fun and so typical of our times together. One of my favorite things to do with my bro is drive around because he does this real funny thing. I haven't named it yet, but its real funny. Explaining it will not do it justice, but I will try in vain anyway. When passing signs he will read them as they are written, for example if in all caps he yells it. So a sign might read, "Joe's CRAB SHACK" and so he reads it accordingly. So he says quietly "Joe's" and then yells "CRAB SHACK!!" It's hysterical. Trust me... it is. Among other things, I like being able to spend time with my bro whether walking 2 miles at a nearby park, venting the stresses of the day or watching old movies at my apartment... or seeing new movies at the theatre. It's also nice to have him around when I need guy advice, even though it annoys him to no end.

Anyway, this is my youngest bizzle and I. We're tight and I'm glad to have him in my life. Thanks for making me laugh when I want to cry... even though some days you make me crazy! I guess that's a bizzle's job though, right?

Unusually Annoyed

I have been unusually annoyed with people as of late. It disturbs me since I'm usually not so prone to irritation so easily. And I want to SCREAM curses at people. And that's odd for me as well. I don't know what the deal is. I think it's probably stress due to my job. I think my job may get the better of me if I don't do something quick. In the last month I have had migraines out the wazoo and they're only getting worse. I think the minute I hit the office door a trigger is pulled in my head. So, this blog is about venting. Instead of venting about the idiot drivers on the road or some idiot at the local Walmart, I'm going to vent about what really has my goat.

I am an educated individual. I have a degree that I worked my butt off to get. I do not need some woman telling me that 400 times a day when to do something or how to do it especially when it's something as menial as taking the correct number of copies to Office Depot or placing the correct number of copies into the exhibitor packets or what have you. I HATE being belittled. I am not stupide. I'M NOT STUPID LADY!!!!! The space between my ears is not empty... you didn't even attempt to go to college, I have more life experience from that alone than you do so shut it. I don't care about your stupid shows. I'm not going to go behind your back and try to take over your business! I DON'T WANT IT!!!!!!! HEAR ME, DON'T WANT IT! In fact, I'm pretty sure I hate it. There I said it. Hate. I hate my job. Really and truly.

People will follow a leader when they respect and admire them and when they are respected in return. At first people follow a leader because they have to, because of position, but eventually your leadership has to build some kind of repport: respect, compassionate, mercy, justice... good grief. When you don't come to a place where you're respected for who you are and who you are becoming, then you have lost the grounds for leading. You no longer have that foothold with which in influence.

I know I'm not as old as you... but you have things to learn from me as well NH. And if you'd ever actually listen instead of trying so hard to think of a come-back maybe you'd figure a few things out and maybe you wouldn't have such a high turn-over.

PetSmart's Not-So-Smart

I was in PetSmart this morning on the dog treat isle looking at treats for Sydney. I knew exactly which treats to get. I knew exactly where to find them. I was not looking for any other treats or dog food; if I was I would have asked. Out of no where comes this woman. In my hands I had the Science Diet Jerky treats Sydney likes so well and a bottle of gravy to put on dog food as an occasional treat (I decided this might be a fun thing to try).

"Can I help you find any dog food today?" she asked.
"No thanks. I already know exactly what I'm getting."

At that right there, she should have been smart and turned around and walked off. But alas, she inspected what I had in my hand and immediately started her full assault about the evils of Science Diet and the terrors of adding calories to dog food when trying to get them to eat.

"If your dog isn't eating, you might try the canned dog food instead of adding calories to the dry food with gravy."
"Actually, I was only going to use it as an occasional treat." I said sardonically.

She gave me a queer look and continued on... some percentages about Iams dog food (I made the mistake of telling her my intent of buying it) and how it has 66% less ya ya and blah bidy blah blah crap. Whatever lady. I looked to my left for relief, but my brother made his way to the other end of the isle leaving me to crusade for Iams by myself. When she finally shut up, I continued to the end of the isle, picked up a box of Milk Bones, went a few isles over and picked up the sensitive digestive Iams in the red sack. My bro and I walked down the center isle of PetSmart and when I spotted The Lady sitting by her brand of dog food I tried to catch her eye and smile, just to piss her off. She wouldn't look at me but she did make sure to assess to the contents of my cart. Yeah lady, Iams stands for (as my bro stated later): "I AM Sick of you're crap!"

I was venting to my brother in the Jeep on the way out. What I wanted to say to her was:

"Lady, if my Dad thinks that these dog treats are good enough for our dogs at home; if my Dad thinks that it's o.k. for my Sydney who has a jacked up stomach... then it's o.k. because he's the best damn veterinarian on God's green earth so shut the #$*#$#& up. If he's been a veterinarian for 7 years and is already President of New Mexico's veterinary association AND HAS BEEN VOTED NEW MEXICO'S VETERINARIAN OF THE YEAR then I think the food and treats he recommends are o.k. SO SHUT-UP. Just shut your liberal thinking, PETA loving pie hole."

Anyway, I've never been accosted so at PetSmart but that was enough molestation to last a year or so. I should send this to PetSmart. They may loose a client. I just want to buy my dog food and get out. Leave me alone.

The Calling

I feel like all I do is fake it,
put on this plastic smile
Play it to the crowd.

Medicate me so I'll be happy
these pearly whites glean only
white lies -
because you don't want to know
the truth.

But I feel the need to do so -
called so, to put on these airs.

At least this way I don't feel
so
different
so much
of
the time.