I lied. I told several people that the wedding wasn't hard. But I lied. It was. Actually, it wasn't the wedding itself so much as it was them. They way he looked at her. They way she beamed. BEAMED. Them. They. The fact that they are creating a oneness now. One. Togetherness. Togetherness that I should be and have and create. And I'm not. Now everyone just stop right here and hold your horses. I am in no way jealous. I am SO happy for them I can't even tell you!!! They are magnificant together and I am so happy C has found a Godly man who adores her... adores her. It's just that I feel like a complete and utter failure.
Failure. Yup. Unwanted when someone else is so desired by another. I have no explanation as to why I wasn't. And I will never have an explanation. Never. My grandmother would tell you that it's because he didn't love me. After all, if you love a person why in God's name would you treat them that way? But every time she says, "he didn't love you" it's like tearing open the scar. I can't explain why. I guess because I thought he did.
And people came up to my parents all weekend and made comments like, "This must be really hard for your daughter." And Carla sat me down after the wedding, who knows why, (maybe God put it on her heart... maybe she knew I needed to hear it) and said to me: "You don't let anyone steal the joy God has given you. You don't let anyone look down on you. I'm so proud of you. Your parents are proud of you. And sometimes God takes us through things so we're able to minister to others. And sometimes we don't know why. But we do know this, He knew you were strong enough to handle it or He wouldn't have given it to you." Among a million other things. And we cried together. I think I cried all weekend. And Crystal told me things she's never told me before. And we encouraged one another.
But I just want to scream... I TRIED! I gave it my all! What else was there to do? And now I am branded... now I am BRANDED for the rest of my life with this stupid label because of a decision made on someone else's part. Am I supposed to be held accountable for that? So now every guy I date will question me. Every one. Every one of them.
Scarlet letter. And Jack Joy asked my Dad if there was "some level of embarassment." Ya think? You think being 24 and divorced carries a level of embarassement? Yeah. I haven't asked it before today but I'm asking now, I'm sinking to that level: GOD, WHY ME?
It doesn't matter if you empty yourself on the alter for people everyday for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter. Because ultimately you're screwed anyway.
And so today I'm very distracted. Very...
So what is Your will LORD? Because I ask and I haven't yet received an answer? And all I've ever wanted to do was Your will... and yeah, You know I'm not perfect... I can't survice without Your Grace... but could You help me out here??????? Please? How long does a person have to beg? How long?
I knew where I was going. I had a plan, which I thought was Yours. I knew what my calling was. And yet, here I sit... unfulfilled in my job and completely confused and a disspointment to the world. A dissapointment to You.
And as I walked down the aisle Saturday, I know what people were thinking... "You know what happened to her..." as they shook their heads.
So I'm crying out today and I've BEEN CRYING OUT!!! So for just one day... just one day, God, keep Him away... can we just keep Satan away? Can we just forget it ever happened? I guess you don't even remember what I'm talking about ... BUT I DO! Why didn't you give us the ability to forget as you do? I HATE this ever happened... I HATE IT.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Wow, I was on my way out the door and I thought, "hey I should check Ram's site before I go." Wow. Might want to steer clear of my blog today. You might find my story from last week hard to hear.
But let me just say that while my bad past experience in dating nowhere near rivals the trials you have had to endure, on a general level I know what you are feeling. I dated someone for almost 2 years who I eventually came to the conclusion just did not love me. TWO years, and although there were a few good moments, love was rarely expressed in even little ways. It didn't end in marriage or divorce thankfully, but still the scar from that relationship haunts me to this day.
Frustratedwriter told me a little (don't worry not too much) about your situation and from what I heard from him - your husband was UNFAITHFUL to you. Maybe he wasn't being directly adulterous from a sexual standpoint, but he was being unfaithful to you in his actions which is the spirit of the whole "scriptural divroce" argument. You should not feel branded with a scarlet "D" for what happened. It's not what you did to him, by divorcing him, but what he did to YOU in the way he treated you or in the way he didn't treat you as the case may be. It is he who should wear the "D".
By the way, have you read "The Scarlet Letter" recently? You may want to re-read it (dull as that may sound). I think you'll find that Hester while scorned by the Puritains, is more portrayed as a heroine for her strength and resiliance than she is a "sinner" for her mistakes. If you insist on wearing that letter, perhaps you should know more about the reference to which you are, well, referring.
Moving on takes time. I don't know how long it's been for you, and even though it sucks horribly, just know that it's valid to feel the way you do. No one deserves what has been thrust on you. No one. I will pray for you, but also him as well. Sounds like he needs it just as much as you do.
Your story from last week is not hard to hear. I'm not ever upset to hear of someone else's happiness. Sounds like your thoughtfullness was appreciated! A little appreciation goes a long way.
About the Scarlet Letter, I have actually never read it. I guess I should. Being that I have about seven books going right now... I guess it wouldn't hurt to start another one. :)
I appreciate your prayers. Thanks Demo.
Is all this pain because you feel rejected? Or is it because you feel you've somehow let God down?
I bet it is a combination of both. Rejection hurts, there is no doubt about that. However, as an outsider, I have no doubt that God doesn't see you as having let him down. I think you are so close to the situation that it is hard for you to see that you are not branded, except for by your own shame. I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of.
I can't pretend to have been through what you are going through, but I'm really sorry that you are so sad.
I wouldn't want to speak for Ram, Marrie, and I don't know Ram personally. But we grew up in a religious culture that taught that a person CANNOT get divorced, and that if we DID get divorced, we could not remarry, unless adultery had been involved in the dissolution of the marriage.
This was based upon a frankly caustic and out-of-context interpretation of a statement of Jesus in Matthew 19, but it still sticks with us in a very hurtful way.
People (in ALL religions) feel unfortunately comfortable in looking down their noses at those who have weathered experiences foreign to themselves. They feel that they are somehow superior because they haven't done "X" (where "X" is a variable, not necessarily "Extacy" ;-).
And I LOVE the way they do it in Ram's story - through the guise of pity and empathy. "It must be hard for you to be reminded of the failure that we are all reminded of every time we see you - because that's all we see when we see you - not who you ARE - not who you are striving to become - we just see what makes us feel better about ourselves."
Shake 'em off, Ram. I can tell you from years of ministry that most of these people have remained in broken marriages not because they are "righteous" but because they are pathetic, scared, and lack trust in who God is. Some of the most vociferous women I know who talk about "people who've been divorced" sleep next to a monster every night - and in the dark night of the soul, they know it isn't righteousness that keeps them in their marriage - it is a pathetic sense of fear of losing whatever is provided in that marriage.
Geez, I'm ranting here. Just remember Christ's response to the woman who reached out to touch Him in John 11 - "Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease."
Post a Comment