Waiting for Death

My great aunt Virda, and great she is, is on her death bed. We're waiting now. Waiting. I wish she was out of her mind so she didn't know, so we knew that she didn't know what was going on. She she didn't know how much pain she was in.

I stood there last night, watching her chest rise and fall thinking every breath was going to be her last. Hoping it would be for her sake.

I stood by her bed and leaned close to her and she turned her head to look at me. And I smiled at her, best I could. At least she recognizes me. That is the good thing about not being out of her mind right now. And I told her it was o.k. for her to go home... it was o.k. We are all ready for her to go whenever she is. And I told her that it would be better because she wouldn't hurt any more... and she said to me, "Ain't that the truth." And I started to cry and she told me not to but I couldn't help it cause I'm going to miss her.

I going to miss laying in that hospital bed at Memaw's house with her and laughing at our secrets til our stomachs hurt. I'm going to miss crying with her. I'm going to miss sitting in her wheelchair with my feet propped up on her bed and bringing her stuff when she asks for it and giving each other a hard time and remembering all the fun times we had. And I'm going to miss doing life with her. I'm going to miss her not being there anymore.

I'm going to miss her crazy stories and her witt. I'm going to miss hearing her and Memaw's banter back and forth at the house. I'm really going to miss that. Memaw's not going to have a secretary anymore.

Sometimes you get the best work done when you're under the most pressure. So far today I've gotten a few things done. I have to. I've got to much to do. But mostly I just want to be at the hospital cause I feel like that's where I should be. I think I'll sit at the hospital tonight. I want to be there.

Virda has just always been there.

I guess that she'll go to be somewhere else now. And that's a good thing... that's a very good thing. It's just that I'll miss her.

And the missing her is what hurts so bad today.