Saw this on the Great Writer's blog...

Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate

You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great. One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog... And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes. Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

Masquerade

This has been heavy on my heart lately and for some reason has been a recurring theme in my conversations with people and in circumstances as of late (without me bringing it up). For instance, the other day Mark and I were going into Mardel (a Christian bookstore) to get some stuff for the wedding party. As we approached the door Mark slapped (not in a bad way) the upper part of my thigh. Ok, might as well have been my butt but anyway. I told him to behave since we were walking into Mardel and he said to me, "Oh that's right. We have to keep up our impressions!" Here's the deal: Why was I so concerned about it when walking into Mardel? Would I have been as concerned if we were walking into a theatre or Best Buy? The answer is yes, but the point goes much deeper. Here's the shame: I felt like if anyone walking into Mardel, in Mardel or driving by Mardel would have thought less of us because of his gesture. If he had a wedding band on, that would be different but he doesn't, nor do I, so I was worried about what the other "Christians" would think. I hadn't really thought about what "non-believers" would think. That was more of an after thought.

Since when do we feel like we have to be perfect? Since when did putting on a mask to go to church become acceptable? What does my mask look like? How is it percieved by my Maker?

Maybe we should have Life Groups based on people's struggles so that we could all benefit from those who have been there - so we could truly be built up and edified instead of carrying the burden of hiding our struggles from the rest of our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Are they not fighting the battle also? Are they not just as much of a sinner as we are? YES! So why do we spend SO much time trying to hide... and I think the majority of the time we're not just hiding our struggles and sins from our peers but we actually think we can hide them from God as well! Are we that conceited? A lady told my mom once that my ex-husband and I needed to be separated and not divorced - that we should just live in separate houses but not do the dirty deed of getting a divorced. Did she think that would somehow redeem ourselves? That somehow God wouldn't know the difference? Good grief.

When interviewing singles minister candidates for PC (the church I was serving at) one asked each of us in the room what our vision for the singles group was. I distinctly remember saying that it would be great if our group of singles was so close, felt so loved by one another and so accepted regardless of faults that any of us could stand up at any time and ask for prayer or share a praise. I think half the room thought I was a lunatic and the other half thought that because I mentioned the word "share" and had mentioned the words "the Spirit" that I'd gone off the deep end.

As Romans 6 speaks of in the following passage:
"1What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? 3Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
5If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. 6For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with,[a] that we should no longer be slaves to sin— 7because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.

8Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. 10The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.

11In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. 14For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.

Slaves to Righteousness
15What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means!"

No. We as Christians are not called to sin, but we cannot help the fact that we are sinners. We are sinners because we are not gods - we do not have God's deity. When we accept Christ and are baptised, we recieve the gift of the Holy Spirit but we are still sinners. God knows this. We should know this.

Why do I spend so much time beating myself up for things I did years ago? Why do I ask God for forgiveness when He can't remember what I'm talking about because He already forgave the sin? Is my faith so weak that I cannot actually believe that God could forgive me?

Paul prayed for God to take away his "thorn in the flesh" (whatever it was) and God would not. Paul then boasted that Christ is better made known through his weakness because God was seen through that (2 Corinthians 2:19 - "But [God] said to [Paul], "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I (Paul) will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

I'm just thinking that instead of walking around hiding the fact that we sin maybe we ought to just fess up to it. Why do I want to burden myself any more than I have to? After all, we really only find healing when our sin is exposed by the Light and we are willing to walk in the Light.

Once again, I must reiterate that I am not condoning the fact that people sin - only recognizing it in a healthy way because I think the way we (in the churches) have dealt with it is wrong somehow because we have been listening to Satan's lies instead of God's truth.

I think Satan sometimes uses the Truth to try and bind us but really Truth does set people free... we just have to be willing to be freed in that Truth.

Only in my Dreams*

Been having crazy dreams lately. Just for kicks I looked up some of what's been in my dreams on an online dream interpreter database. Here's what it told me about the following elements of my dreams:


"War
To dream of a war, signifies disorder and chaos in your personal affairs. You also be experiencing some internal conflict or emotional struggle. You are feeling torn between aspects of yourself. Perhaps the dream may indicate that you are being overly aggressive or you are not being assertive enough.

Killing
To dream that you killed someone, forewarns that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. Identity the characteristics of the person that you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards this person in your waking life. You may be expressing some rage or hatred toward this person.
To dream that you have been killed, suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions.
This dream may also represent a part of you or your life that you wish would leave you alone and stop creating a nuisance. Killing may represent the killing off of old parts of yourself and old habits.


Blood
To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. If you see the word "blood" written in your dream, then it may refer to some situation in your life that is permanent and cannot be changed.
To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you. Women often dream of blood or of someone bleeding shortly before or during their periods and when they are pregnant.
To dream that you are drinking blood, indicates that you have a fresh burst of vitality and power."

I think I may write one my recent dreams down. It was kinda crazy.

Send the Pain Below - Chevelle*

I liked having hurt,
So send the pain below where I need it,
You used to beg me to take care of things,
And smile at the thought of me failing.

But long before, having hurt,
I'd send the pain below,
I'd send the pain below.

Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)

You used to run me away,
All while laughing.
Then cry about that fact,
'til I returned.

But long before, having hurt,
I'd send the pain below,
I'd send the pain below.

Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating.

I can't feel my chest,
Need more, drop down,
Closing in.

I can't feel my chest,
Drop down.

I liked, having hurt.
So send the pain below,
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating) [I liked]
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating) [Having hurt]
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating)
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating)
So send the pain below.

To tea or not to tea

Some people just make good coffee and tea. I could drink GALLONS of Big Mark's coffee. Oy. It's good. My uncle Bryan brings coffee back from Europe and last time I stayed with Uncle Kendall I had the pleasure of having two cups (really 4) of the liquid gold. Oy. I think the brand is Jakob's.

So why can't I make tea, as much as I love it, like I'd like to? What art am I missing? Hmmmmmm... this has always perplexed me. I registered for and received 6 fabulous Carolina styled tea glass and a pitcher (for a wedding/Christmas gift). Last night I made tea in this pitcher for the first time. My visions of tasting the delectable concoction were shattered when I had a sip of it. How terrible it is to long for a perfect glass of ice tea and come up short!!!

If any of you would like to share your tea recipes (iced or cold) or your favorite coffees please feel free to do so. I always like hearing what other people's palates prefer.

Let's be Frank. Ok. "Hi, I'm Frank."

Let's just be honest. I'm scared as hell he's going to turn out like the other one. Scared as hell. How does anyone really ever know anyone. That's just it. WE DON'T. We're just supposed to live day to day in faith?

Maybe I'm not so good at this faith thing. Maybe I think too much.

But it's SCARY.

And then what. What happens when once again the Knight turns out to be the Ogre in disguise and then everyone will think all sorts of crap... as if they already don't.

Damn it. Has he done ANYTHING to make me suspicious? No. But last time I was blinded by my own idocracy. This time is COMPLETELY different. But what happens when we get married and he's not interested anymore? What do I do with this fear? I could let it ruin things or I couldn't. What the heck am I supposed to do?

Trust is earned right? Right. So if he's earned it what's my problem?
Here's my problem: people aren't perfect and so I shouldn't expect them to be.

In church, in work, in relationships... I should just let people be people (which I'm more than happy to do.) But maybe I'm too hard on myself and sometimes that transfers to the people I respect and care about most. The Church, family, relationships, friendships. I have never admitted it before now but I'm pretty sure that's my problem.

I apologize to any of you I know personally for ever holding you to too high a standard - one none of us can attain - and then not telling you and stewing in my own hurt and anger over it without telling you. I apologize for letting the sun set when I should have stayed up til daybreak to work it out.

God save me... really, I don't me that in ANY type of sarcastic way. I just don't know what else to do with myself.

Hermit

Hermit
tucked away nicely in this exoskeleton of memories
eclectic makings of this shell may cause
structural damage - could give way at any minute
but i sit... stewing
stew stew stew
the taste of it in my mouth is bitter and old
moldy
decrepit
but i knaw on the old meat regardless
rehashing the past
knashing my teeth on it

hermit i sit here
hermit i stay
hermit

Double Take

empty fish tank
re-gifting, indian-giving
re-covered couches left on the curb
that ambiguous look on your face, in your eyes -
the whole of it running through your body, every nerve
flowing from every orifice
simultaneous contradictions - I want to beat it out and make love to it all at once
so high strung with emotions & the lack thereof
this necessity of physical release
Exhaustion.
the disregard
the disappointment
And it's overwhelming.

words so easily spoken so easily
forgotten
flabbergasted by your impenetrable, confounding ways

this anniversary of failure plagues me so
happiness is momentary
until I remember -
Grief.
because I could have done more, done less
Hate.
because I don't care - but I do
Isolation.
because there are few who get it

is there any redemption?


And Then You.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just picked up my wedding dress!!!!! IT'S PERFECT!!!!! I modeled it for the girls at the office. They agreed it's a winner!

I LOVE IT!!!! I told Mark that since I had it we could get married this weekend. He told me to call my family and it would be done...

So really. I want to get married THIS weekend.

YEAH!!!!!!!

I would post a pic but I don't know if Mark will check the blog and I don't want him to see it.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I'll have some cheese with my whine...

Man. I miss blogging. I have been terribly neglectful. I usually blog on my off times at work... but lately I've know that there wouldn't be enough time to get what I wanted on the screen so I've denied myself the pleasure of writing completely. I don't blog at home usually because my computer is a piece.

So here we are - the keyboard and I, the blank screen waiting for my keystrokes to fill it in.

Now what? Today I feel there is so much to say and nothing to say at all. Ha. Isn't that how it usually goes? I applied for 7 (or maybe 8? can't remember) jobs yesterday. We'll see what happens there. I need to finish getting the stuff together to print inviations... yeah, have to wait to get paid to do that.

You know, I feel I'm running on empty. There are several reasons for this: 1) I give, give, give all day and never have anything left for myself. 2) I haven't been getting enough sleep that past three weeks (except for during my time off for the holidays). 3) I'm just tired. 4) I'm REALLY tired of irritating stuff.

"What's irritating?" you might ask. Well #1 on the list right now is not being listened to. I'm heard (sometimes) but not listened to. My boss is notorious for this. It drives me INSANE. My Dad is good at this also. He's always so dog-gone tired. There is A HUGE difference between listening and hearing. Most people can hear... but most people aren't listening.

When I'm tired and am annoyed or frustrated (OR JUST TIRED) I get to where even if a question is asked I will give the most simple and vague answers because I don't want to go through the hassle of explaining and re-explaining myself (which I find myself doing all the time).

Ug. I just realized I'm more like my Dad in this way that I'd like to be.

On the the next subject: I'm just not sure what to do about church. I really don't. I am not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself, but it makes me ill what's going on (because of the people it affects) and I'm not sure what to do about it as of right now. I think I might know who I need to talk to about it... we'll see what happens there.

Next subject: I need to do about 100 things a day until March and I didn't get any of them done yesterday and I probably won't get as much done tonight as I should.

AND...

I just want to be closer to him. Gosh. I'm tired of spending too much money on my cell phone bill and being so far away. I know, I know. I sound like a cry baby. Really though, I'm not. I'm just overwhelmed today and would like to see him and won't get to until tomorrow.

I'm stopping here. I thought of 5 intelligent things I could write about today and I haven't written on one of them.

Stockings!!! (but not the fishnet kind)

My bizzle the Beef had the pleasure of going home before Mark and I. We're spending Christmas with Mark's family and New Year's with mine. I spoke with the Beef today (which was good... I've been missing him this week) and he said that Mom went out and bought the whole family new stockings!!!

Ok, so some people get new stockings ever year and some people don't even use their stockings... but at OUR house stockings rule supreme.

Every Christmas morning for as long as I can remember (even if we were in a hotel room) Santa has made SURE to fill our stockings with all kinds of goodies. I get more excited about what's in my stocking than what I get in wrapped boxes! Of course, I had to get the low down from Beef (how can I go a week without knowing what my new stocking looks like... how will I know which one Santa set aside for me?!?!?! This is IMPORTANT STUFF people!!!!)

So, here's the rundown on the stocking situation at my parent's house:
Dad: I've been informed that his stocking has Santa on it. :)
Mom: her stocking has an angel on it
Me: my stocking has penguins and hearts on it (and the Beef said the penguins look VERY happy)
Killjoy: his stocking has reindeer on it, oh what fun!
Beef: his is very manly with the bears on it... hehe
And last but not least... drumroll please cause this is AWESOME!!!!!
Mark: YES!!! My mom bought Mark a stocking!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!! his stocking has a snowman and a penguin on it. (I think Mom did that on purpose... since my has penguins on it with hearts... his has a penguin and a snowman. How cleaver (or she may not have thought about it at all and I'm being completely twitterpated, either case it's way too much fun!)

I had to call Mark at lunch and tell him about the stocking situation. He thought it was as cool that he had one! I'm so glad!

Beef is a little offended because the stockings are hung in this order: Dad, Mom, me, Killjoy, Mark and Beef. I guess I would feel a little annoyed as well! Mark ranks above Beef now?!?!

Anyway, I LOVE stockings and am so EXCITED to see what they look like and see them haning by the chimney. I wonder what amazing things Santa has for our stockings this year... hmmm... I'll have to spend a WHOLE WEEK before I find out. We told Santa not to come to our house until New Year's when we're all together.

Another Dissapointment

I didn't get the job. Suprise, suprise. And I prepared myself for not getting it so explain to me why I cried about it???? And I don't want to hear from anyone that "God will provide"... I just don't. It's not like I don't know that. But I don't want to hear it. Not now.

This has been the year of dissapointments. I'm a dissapointment my life events are dissapointments. The hits just keep on coming.

So on with the job hunt.

Today is going by about as fast as molassas. On top of feeling like an cow and thinking about the things I need to do to not look like a cow I feel like eating the house down this week. It's driving me crazy.

And if anyone in this office brings up the fact that Mark and I have not had sex I think I'll go postal on them. POSTAL. Leave me alone. Yeah, I made a decision and you can shove your opinion about it right up your...

What the heck? What the stinkin heck? Beef and I were talking the other day and it's like our family has the worst luck of anyone. I won't get into why right now. That's a post for later.

I'm tired. I want to go to bed when I get home but I can't. I have to clean up the casarole that my roommate has left sitting out for 3 days. THREE DAYS!!!!! The dishes are piled in the sink and it SMELLS. I haven't been home to clean it up and I got home last night and was nearly knocked over by the smell. I'm tired of cleaning up for people. At work, at home and in EVERYTHING. Once I clean up the place, then I get to drive to Fort Worth. I want to see my friend but I don't want to drive. I don't want to. I feel like I spend all my time in my car or at work.

I'm tired of driving half way across the metroplex to see people.

And this whole Prestoncrest thing just hurts. It hurts. And there's nothing anyone can do because you can't make people change.

I'm tired and I want to go to bed, but it's only 3:12 pm and I have to work until at least 5.

Days like these I want to crawl in a dark hole and never come out. It's been building for a while now...

If only I could be as cool as this roo. What would life to be like to be a kangaroo? Hmmmm... interesting I'm sure.

Beef, Discom and Ram - A Meeting of the Minds

Last night, the fab trio listed in the above got together for dinner. TGIFriday's wasa happenin' place let me tell ya.

We talked for 2 1/2 hours... I think our waiter thought we were never going to leave! But we had a GREAT time and stimulating discussion. I think our plot to overthrow Scott's evil regime in Hawaii is complete!

Discom - THANK YOU. You know what I'm talking about... THANK YOU.

Through the looking glass

I feel like a cow. I tried on wedding dresses last week and I looked terrible. I certainly didn't look like the models I have seen so many of in bridal magazines. I need to tone up and loose some weight. I need to sit up straight.

I wish I were only a few inches taller. That would solve alot of my problem. For instance, my friend and I weigh the same but because she's 5'8" she look skinny and great and I look like a cow. There are some days I hate being short SOOOOOOOOO bad.

My arms: why is it that both sides of our families have big arms??? TINY wrists and huge upper arms. TINY feet and big thighs. UG.

I hate it when I get so overwhelmed with appearance. I'm bombarded at work and these bridal magazines aren't helping either. There's only anorexic people and dresses I can't afford.

I HATE feeling this way. HATE it. But I don't know how to make it go away.

The indulgence is sickening...

Em just got a package at the office. I heard her having a heart attack all the way back in my office.

Her sugar daddy (no, seriously) just sent her a $1000 gift card to Nordstrom and a Dolce&gabbana handbag and wallet.

!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

Need I say more?

HeadSpin

Wow. I think I need a break. I can't hardly concentrate. Every time I think of one thing I need to get done I'm hit with the thought of the other 100 things that need to be done as well.

I have moved my laptop (at work) to the back office so that I can shut the door and get the checklists for training done(I'm training the girl that will take my place - if I get this other job. If I don't, she'll be here to help take some of the load off.) I am going 90 to nothing and there's no way I can think about stopping til I at least have some of the stuff in my head organized and on paper.

Wedding: WOW. Two and a half months to get this thing done. And I would rather run off to Vegas or some chapel in Arkansas. Oh well. And we're already behind and everyone has their opinion of what should happen when and where and how much it should cost and... BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Work: Training is exhausting. I don't think I truly realized how much I do here until I had to start training someone else on how to do it. I do ALOT of stuff here. Really and truly, I do what everyone else doesn't - AND THAT'S NO EXAGGERATION.

Personal: I'm tired of being hurt by the Church. I really am. So there goes Prestoncrest... down the drain. Oy. Can't really elaborate on that one right now. Among other things... I'm trying to get New Year's plans together and I can't do that until I know whether or not I got the job. And I need to find a home for Sydney and I need to figure out Christmas presents and I need to get my dress ordered and I need to meet with some people I haven't in awhile...

O.k. must get back to work - but I had to have some mental release.

Oy.

*O Christmas Tree...

Well, yesterday my boss sent us all home because she was afraid of the weather situation. We had sleet that was supposed to freeze. So in lew of working I decided to put up my christmas tree. I had previously decided not to put it up... but yesterday I had a change of heart.

My tree reminds me much of the tree Charlie Brown made up in his christmas special. It's not a huge tree (I put it on the dining table) and the ornaments aren't expensive. But you know, I think those are the best kinds of trees.

My parents tree (growing up) consisted of ornaments we gave each other and ornaments we made growing up. It's the best tree in the world. For christmas, I would love to decorate the tree with my family again. THAT would be the best christmas present ever.

Oh and I have to give props to Sydney for helping me decorate so well. :)

THAT clocks' a tickin'

It seems wherever I go lately I'm around little kids or babies. *sigh* And I have NEVER been one to talk about maternal clocks and all that crap... but...

I can't believe I'm going to say this...

here we go...




I want a baby. Yeah. There I said it. I don't want one right now... I've just been thinking about it ALOT.


I'm insane. I know.

I have these friends that got pregnant on their honeymoon (that's kinda sweet you know... if you're ready... and if you're not, God will take care of it.) Anyway, she is SOOOOOO excited and he is SOOOOOOO excited and it's the cutest thing ever!!! I'm SO happy for them! They are WAAAAAY too cute for words.

The whole idea of two people coming together to create life (by the grace of God I might add...) is amazing to me. It is TOTALLY by the grace of God men and woman can be together in the first place (as different as they are) and it's even MORE amazing that their union can create a living being!!! Holy cow! It blows my mind!!! It must be cool. I don't know if I'll ever experiance that (the baby thing) but we'll see what God has in store.

Here's a rant/question: Why the HECK are women who can't take care of their children properly allowed to have children and women who would give their life for their children barren???

Anyway... will blog more later. Need to jet for the time being.

It's not worth it Roy!

It's December and there's no snow. It's not even cold. How lame is that? I have no desire to put up a Christmas tree when it's warm outside. I'm sure eventually I'll come around... but in the meantime I feel kinda "Ba Humbug" about it.

If there were snow in front of my apartment I would build a snowman city! Then I'd set Sydney at post to watch them! I deck her out in yule-tide (sp?) camouflage and arm her with an M16. Then incidences like this one below would never happen...




The next cartoon makes me think of Dad. I think he usually has a look like that on his face with all the crazies he gets at the clinic!

Holy cow... and other mysteries

Planning a wedding is like asking for Chinese torture... or banging your head against the wall repeatedly. It's such an emotional deal and everyone has their opinion.

My stomach has been KILLING me the last two days. The last two nights I've been unable to sleep. How ridiculous. I wasn't stressed until two days ago. Dang it all.

Really the main thing is money. If you had and unlimited budget then things would be so much simpler.

Holy cow. I'm about ready to run off by ourselves, but then that makes the situation look bad because we've only known each other 4 months and our families are tripping out and they really should be there and be a part. And I want them to be. But this is stress.

Really. I feel like I need to puke.