Let's just be honest. I'm scared as hell he's going to turn out like the other one. Scared as hell. How does anyone really ever know anyone. That's just it. WE DON'T. We're just supposed to live day to day in faith?
Maybe I'm not so good at this faith thing. Maybe I think too much.
But it's SCARY.
And then what. What happens when once again the Knight turns out to be the Ogre in disguise and then everyone will think all sorts of crap... as if they already don't.
Damn it. Has he done ANYTHING to make me suspicious? No. But last time I was blinded by my own idocracy. This time is COMPLETELY different. But what happens when we get married and he's not interested anymore? What do I do with this fear? I could let it ruin things or I couldn't. What the heck am I supposed to do?
Trust is earned right? Right. So if he's earned it what's my problem?
Here's my problem: people aren't perfect and so I shouldn't expect them to be.
In church, in work, in relationships... I should just let people be people (which I'm more than happy to do.) But maybe I'm too hard on myself and sometimes that transfers to the people I respect and care about most. The Church, family, relationships, friendships. I have never admitted it before now but I'm pretty sure that's my problem.
I apologize to any of you I know personally for ever holding you to too high a standard - one none of us can attain - and then not telling you and stewing in my own hurt and anger over it without telling you. I apologize for letting the sun set when I should have stayed up til daybreak to work it out.
God save me... really, I don't me that in ANY type of sarcastic way. I just don't know what else to do with myself.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
avila - thanks for your post! keep coming back... and yes I would agree about being careful. But is it possible to be too careful? Just a thought. Thanks again!
Hmm,
I realize this may be a bit much to suggest, but have you shared this feeling with Mark before? And I'd also take comfort that guys like your ex are one in a million and not in a good way. So just take comfort that lightning will not strike twice in the same spot (your heart). My only worry for you was that you work out your possible theological differences and from what I can tell you have done that quite nicely. So I will prophesy (ha! ya like that?!:) that you two will be just fine.
Yeah, I'd second Demo's comment. Your ex was one of the few fellas I've ever heard of who...well, let's just say I've never heard of a problem THAT direction from any couple in my office ;-)
But sexuality really has to be discussed between couples, if it's going to be functional. It's hard for us CoCers to talk about sex, especially when we're trying to wait, but it's REALLY important!
And if Mark is attentive and loyal in other ways, that'll show up in the bedroom. If he were selfish, self-absorbed, and cold, you'd have known by now. And as for the previous relationship, perhaps you could try and identify what it was you were looking for at the time. The truth is, you're likely to be a bit more comprehensive and wise this time - Mark doesn't sound like the first guy you've met since the divorce - he sounds like the a really good man (with the stipulation that I only know him from your posts).
But, as you know, I hear ya on the whole "give people a break" thing. It sounds like we are very alike in that ;-)
Okay, I full think that alot more men are like J than everyone thinks. HELLO! HAVE YOU BEEN ON THE INTERNET, PEOPLE?! I know thats not comforting, but its the awful raunchy truth. No need to lie.
Stop worrying, for crying out loud! Worry worry worry! No wonder your stomach hurts! Im sure if Mark told you you would, but JUST STOP WORRYING!
and wash your mouth out! Does Mark think its okay to swear all the time?! Its not like Im a saint, but geez, lately, its just been constant! STOP WORRYING!
Post a Comment