Roundabout*

I had a striking thought the other night (the past two nights I haven't slept well and have felt the need to write right before I go to bed so as not to loose some gem of a thought as of late I can't seem to remember anything at the right time). The thought was: where am I really myself? So I got to thinking about what makes me me. What makes me who I am? How do I communicate that to others? How am I perceived versus how I feel I am perceived?

I decided that I am several different people. Wait - I take that back. I am one person with many facets who feels she can only be a few of those with specifics groups of people at specific points in time. I'm sure to some extent we all feel this way (someone please say "Amen" for my sake). But then again, maybe not.

Here are some examples: I love music that makes you want to move. In fact, truth be known: I really like to dance (and everyone gasped with shock!!!!) However, there are only a very select group of people I will dance with unless it's two stepping because I'm so concerned about what people will think.

I love R&B. I love hip-hop and yet I love Van Halen and Boston and James Taylor. I like Kelly Clarkson and U2. Kansas and Rush. I'm pretty eclectic in my taste in music as well as clothes and art. In these areas, I don't care much about what people think.

I am a thinker. I think alot about all kinds of things. Most of the time when I'm quiet I'm thinking. My mind is hardly ever at rest (which in it's self could make a person crazy.)

With my family, I feel I have to be the intelligent oldest sibling and daughter. I have to be strong and able to pull myself up by my bootstraps. "Build a bridge and get over it!" as my Dad would say. I don't like this. Depending on which friends I'm with I can be alot of things. Or maybe I'm the same and their perception of me is different?

While I know this doesn't seem to be following any sort of thought pattern it lead me to think that I've spent a whole lot of time trying to please too many people. So much time in fact that sometimes when someone asks me what I want I it takes me awhile to decide. In fact, sometimes I think of what it is I really wanted a couple of days later. I guess I'm just learning new things about myself lately. Rediscovering who I've been or who I would have been sooner in time if certain cicumstances had been different.

Maybe I expect too much from people - too much from myself. Perfection? After all most of my fear comes from the thought of making a mistake or making a fool of myself (which I feel I do well enough already).

I don't think any of this is a bad thing, I've just been thinking about it. I feel that for a long time I have been keeping myself in bondage and I'm just trying to figure out which way to go to break free.

Limitations: if I could sum up the last few years of my life I might sum it up in that one word. Five minutes from now I might tell you something different but right now that's what I would tell you. The sad thing is is that the majority of these limitations have been placed on me by my own self. That is what's hard to deal with and often learn from because one of the hardest things to do is make the change to change yourself.


*song by Yes - from the album "Fragile"