Friday, June 30, 2006

Time makes no difference to me...

I had breakfast at Sonic this morning with my friend who lives in Utah - she ate breakfast at Sonic in Logan, Utah and I ate breakfast at Sonic in Addison, TX and we talked on the phone for 30 minutes. When she started eating breakfast it was 7:30 am. I started eating breakfast at 8:30 am.

The wonders of technology.

It was like old times again. We used to dig up change in the Honda Civic-Wagovan I drove in high school. Good old Bryan High. Those were the days...

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

John Mayer ~

I worry, I weigh three times my body
I worry, I throw my fear around
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain
Bythe time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to findIf this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to
Was there a second of time that I looked around?
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down
Was anything enough to kiss the ground?
And say I'm here now and she's here now
So much wasted in the afternoon
So much sacred in the month of June
How bout you
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won't and it won't
Because it won't
And I will waste no time
Worried 'bout no rainy weather
And I will waste no time
Remaining in our lives together

Roiling On...

Every once in awhile, when the demons in my head are overwhelming, I will watch The Two Towers, the second in Peter Jackson’s rendition of Tolkien’s trilogy. One can’t help but be motivated spiritually after watching any of the three movies. When first viewing The Two Towers, I was enraged when people in the theatre were laughing during the scene where Gollum is arguing with himself. I could not believe people would be so cold hearted as to laugh at the poor creature’s misfortune. In reality, they were all laughing at themselves… but none of them realized it. I don’t know what your demons are, what it is that torments you in the night – but I am beginning to know mine well as of late.

It occurred to me yesterday evening that Gollum’s fatal mistake was seclusion. He let the guilt of his sin take over his life to the point that it warped who he saw himself as. He let it transform him into something he was never intended to be. What do I do when I am overwhelmed? Stressed out? Hurt? I seclude myself – emotionally, mentally and even spiritually.

You have to feel like you’ve done something valiant at the end of the day – you didn’t slay a physical Orch or defeat an evil wizard in the flesh – but you did slay something. You were triumphant. Instead of giving into your carnal desires, instead of succumbing to your anger, malice or self-pity, instead of doing what was easiest – you chose to do different. That is a worthy battle. That is a worthy cause whether we realize it or not.

When I look back over the last three weeks, I realize that I have believed too many lies in my life and they have in turn affected others – one in particular.

I don’t know why I’m so easily hurt by things… I find it easy to trust people in the beginning stages of a relationship and harder once I’m in the thick of a relationship (this goes with any and all relationships).

I don’t know what all this means except there are people in my life who I don’t want to resemble and people in my life that I do and lately I feel I have done a poor job at both. I am also overcome with grief in thinking about “lost” relationships. When moving to Dallas it seemed to take forever to get to know anyone and now I am in the same boat again. Maybe I trust people too fast and then get hurt and draw myself back to the point of terrible damage.

I feel like most feelings and reactions I have contradict one another due to my life’s previous circumstances. It is hard to talk to someone about things you’re just discovering – or maybe rediscovering. There aren’t many words, just emotions roiling about.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

'Cuss I want to

Some people just cuss well, ya know? It's funnier to me when certain people say certain cuss words. For instance, my Great Aunt Virda could cuss better than anyone I know and it was a riot! When she said the word "shit" it was the best... she always had the greatest look on her face when she said it too. Oh mercy it was hilarious!!! I'm laughing right now, I can't help it - it's funny!

I find myself thinking of things like this periodically. They make my heart sing and cry all at the same time. I don't know when I'll be able to drink a limeade from Braums again. My bro and I would bring her Frosty's from Wendy's and limeades from Braums. I used to lay in her hospital bed with her. Our last great fling together she asked me if I wanted to climb into the hospital bed with her. Well, being that we were at the hospital's hospital bed and not the hospital bed at the house we opted that it would be wise for me to stay in my uncomfortable chair. We really would have had that place in a mess! I cried when I hugged her neck before I left that day. I think part of me realized it was probably the last time - and from her reaction I think she thought so as well.

I think part of my melancholy mood lately can be attributed to the fact that one of my best friends isn't here to share the joys (as well as pains) of life. However, I know she is in a much better place... feeling much better. No tears there, no pain or sorrow. Only pure joy. I will not revel in my selfishness. But man, days like today I just miss the heck out of her.

Coldplay - In My Place

In My Place In my place, in my place,Were lines that I couldn't change,I was lost, oh yeah.
I was lost, I was lost,Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed,I was lost, oh yeah.
And yeah, how long must you wait for it?Yeah, how long must you pay for it?Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
I was scared, I was scared,Tired and under prepared,But I wait for it.
And if you go, if you go,Leave me down here on my own,Then I'll wait for you, yeah.
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?Yeah, how long must you pay for it?Yeah, how long must you wait for it?Oh for it
Sing it please, please, please,Come back and sing to me,To me, me.
Come on and sing it out, now, now.Come on and sing it outTo me, meCome back and sing.
In my place, in my place,Were lines that I couldn't change,I was lost, oh yeah.Oh yeah.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Psalm 138
1 I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; before the "gods" I will sing your praise.
2 I will bow down toward your holy temple and will praise your name for your love and your faithfulness, for you have exalted above all things your name and your word.
3 When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted.
4 May all the kings of the earth praise you, O LORD, when they hear the words of your mouth.
5 May they sing of the ways of the LORD, for the glory of the LORD is great.
6 Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly, but the proud he knows from afar.
7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.
8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands.

Psalm 51
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
When you come to the edge
Of all the light you have
And take that first step into
the darkness of the unknown,
You must believe one of two things will happen:
there will be something solid
for you to stand upon,
Or you will be taught how to fly.
~Derrick Overton

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Who am I kidding?

Maybe I've spent my whole life burning bridges because I don't want to get hurt. Maybe I shut myself off to people who draw near because I'm afraid of heartache. Maybe I feel so overcome by guilt that it stops me in my tracks.

It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday that because of my innate sinful nature I can't help but be imperfect. I hate that. I hate it that I can't do anything to earn my salvation. I suppose this is Satan getting the best of me today.

I feel the need to run frantically to these people I feel I need to beg forgiveness from... why? I don't know. But it's killing me today. I know I'm not perfect. I know I made mistakes and continue to make idiotic mistakes. I know I don't deserve the blessing of my husband. Why do they have to be brought back up again and again and again??? I don't do that to people!

Why is it that others can say whatever they wish to me but the second I tell them how I feel I've done them some sort of injustice.

Screw everything.

I'm going to take a blogging hiatus. I have alot to think about and this is not the outlet for these sorts of thoughts.

Check y'all later.