Roiling On...

Every once in awhile, when the demons in my head are overwhelming, I will watch The Two Towers, the second in Peter Jackson’s rendition of Tolkien’s trilogy. One can’t help but be motivated spiritually after watching any of the three movies. When first viewing The Two Towers, I was enraged when people in the theatre were laughing during the scene where Gollum is arguing with himself. I could not believe people would be so cold hearted as to laugh at the poor creature’s misfortune. In reality, they were all laughing at themselves… but none of them realized it. I don’t know what your demons are, what it is that torments you in the night – but I am beginning to know mine well as of late.

It occurred to me yesterday evening that Gollum’s fatal mistake was seclusion. He let the guilt of his sin take over his life to the point that it warped who he saw himself as. He let it transform him into something he was never intended to be. What do I do when I am overwhelmed? Stressed out? Hurt? I seclude myself – emotionally, mentally and even spiritually.

You have to feel like you’ve done something valiant at the end of the day – you didn’t slay a physical Orch or defeat an evil wizard in the flesh – but you did slay something. You were triumphant. Instead of giving into your carnal desires, instead of succumbing to your anger, malice or self-pity, instead of doing what was easiest – you chose to do different. That is a worthy battle. That is a worthy cause whether we realize it or not.

When I look back over the last three weeks, I realize that I have believed too many lies in my life and they have in turn affected others – one in particular.

I don’t know why I’m so easily hurt by things… I find it easy to trust people in the beginning stages of a relationship and harder once I’m in the thick of a relationship (this goes with any and all relationships).

I don’t know what all this means except there are people in my life who I don’t want to resemble and people in my life that I do and lately I feel I have done a poor job at both. I am also overcome with grief in thinking about “lost” relationships. When moving to Dallas it seemed to take forever to get to know anyone and now I am in the same boat again. Maybe I trust people too fast and then get hurt and draw myself back to the point of terrible damage.

I feel like most feelings and reactions I have contradict one another due to my life’s previous circumstances. It is hard to talk to someone about things you’re just discovering – or maybe rediscovering. There aren’t many words, just emotions roiling about.