Friday, September 30, 2005

Tagged by Scott

I'm tagging Writer, Demo and Honeybee.

1. Do you try to look hot when you go to the grocery store just in case someone recognizes you from your blog? uh, I don't try to look hot because someone will recognize me from my blog... but I do try to take care of myself... I can't help it if I'm such a HOTTIE. Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful (*written with staunch sarcasim*)
2. Are the photos you post Photoshopped or otherwise altered? No way Jose! Most the pics I post are mine and I DO NOT edit them. It's sacriledge!
3. Do you like it when creeps or dorks email you? Not creeps, but dorks, yes.
4. Do you lie in your blog? Never, but I do use a lot of sarcasim.
5. Are you passive-aggressive in your blog? no
6. Do you ever threaten to quit writing so people will tell you not to stop? nope
7. Are you in therapy? If not, should you be? If so, is it helping? Nope and whether or not I should be: well, we could probably all use a little therapy.
8. Do you delete mean comments? Do you fake nice ones? I have yet to delete a comment and no, I don't fake nice ones. :)
9.Have you ever rubbed one out while reading a blog? How about after? Holy heck! I'm not sure exactly what this means (and I'm dumb enough to admit it cause it's MY blog and I can do whatever I want when I'm here) but I'm pretty darn straight the answer is NO.
10. If your readers knew you in person, would they like you more or like you less? I don't know. Interesting question. You tell me.
11. Do you have a job? Yes. And I'm looking for another one to replace the one I have.
12. If someone offered you a decent salary to blog full-time without restrictions, would you do it? Heck yes!
13. Which blogger do you want to meet in real life? All of them! In fact, we should all do something weird (wow, I am a freak for suggesting this) like meet up on a cruise or something. It could be interesting.
14. Which bloggers have you made out with? (a)In real life? (b)In fantasy? None of them that I'm aware.
15. Do you usually act like you have more money or less money than you really have? More? But just for the purpose of saving face.
16. Does your family read your blog? Yes. I know my Mom does, not sure about my Dad (he probably doesn't), my bro and uncles and cousins do as well.
17. How old is your blog? 6 months or so
18. Do you get more than 1000 page views per day? Do you care? No but it would be kinda fun to.
19. Do you have another secret blog in which you write about being depressed, slutty, or a liar? Nope. This is it. Good grief, if I had two blogs I wouldn't have ANY kind of life!
20. Have you ever given another blogger money for his/her writing? Uh no.
21. Do you report the money you earn from your blog on your taxes? I CAN EARN MONEY on my blog!?!?!?!
22. Is blogging narcissistic? I guess it could be. But that's not why I blog. I initially did the blog thing because it was a way to express myself and not worry about what people thought. But at the same time, it is nice to know people are reading. I really enjoy the little "blogging family" I have now. It's not only entertaining but enlightening as well.
23. Do you feel guilty when you don't post for a long time? Yeah.
24. Do you like John Mayer? YES!!! He's great!
25. Do you have enemies? Nope. Well, yes, but they're not people...
26. Are you lonely? I suppose that it depends on when you ask... and it depends on what you're talking about. Scott was right, this is a loaded question.
27. Why bother? Why bother with what? I think that most things are worth the bother. Anything worth anything is worth the bother.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

How Now Brown Cow?

Once a month we drive from Addison to Fort Worth for a Wednesday luncheon. It's a guild luncheon. We go to network (at least we're supposed to). Today's luncheon was a designated progressive lunch. We went from a local hotel in the Fort Worth Stockyards, to Billy Bob's to a wedding chapel/reception hall.

Upon arriving at the stockyards at 11:30 am, my boss dropped Tracy and I off so that we could stand on the sidewalk and see the daily cattle drive through the streets! And I'm glad I had my camera. (Yes, I was the dork taking pictures.) I had no clue they ran a few steer through the streets everyday at 11:30 am and 4:00 pm. It was pretty cool.

While we were standing there, we met an interesting fellow. He had his own steer, name of Shiloh. He was a really cute steer, had really gentle eyes. I know, I know... I'm crazy, but if your Dad talked about cows (and made analogies regarding your dating life involving bulls & heifers) all the time you'd appreciate them too.

Anyway, it was cool. It was nice to get out of the office and see some sights. The blisters on my feet from wearing heels aren't so great, but I wanted to share the pics with y'all. I figure sharing pics is better than sharing blisters, right?

Beep, Beep! I love my Jeep!

So after not having my Jeep for a whole day, I'M VERY THANKFUL to have it back this morning!!!!!!

I love my new tires, they ride well (and they sure better for as much as they cost!!!!!!) It feels like a new car. It has been realigned and we're good to go.

I AM SO THANKFUL FOR MY JEEP!!!! And the fact that the credit card went through this morning...

Driving from Sears Automotive to the office was like driving on Cloud 9. Yes sir, we just floated on over to the offive. I don't think the wheels even touched the ground.


Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Overwhelmed and Overworked

I just got through reading Claraslvr's post. Everyone should visit her blog because it's fantastic. Anyway, Claraslvr, you're not alone. I know how you feel.

I probably wouldn't be feeling this way had I been committing things to prayer in the last week like I should have. But I was frustrated and upset and let those things get to me. I tried to figure things out instead of having the LORD do it. So, my misery today and yesterday are of my own doing and I shouldn't ask Him, "why?" when I know the answer - it's me.

But I can't help but be frustrated. I have a degree and work at the most mindless job ever. And I'm not making squat for it. I have asked for His will and am looking for it... and I know that He will use me wherever it is that I am... but I guess when it comes down to it - I want to feel important. What's the first thing people ask you? "So, what do you do for a living?" We ask this as if it tells you alot about the person you're asking.

My dear friend reminded me last night (and I needed the reminder) that God calls us to be men and women of God. Bottom line. And so long as I'm doing that then I'm doing His will.

So simple - and yet I tend to complicate the simplest of situations. But it's because I'm afraid of the Enemy - the one working against me.

I can see for other people but on things like grad school and work I can't seem to see anything for myself. I'm learning... but it's a slow process. A slow and painful process.

And speaking of other people, I feel that I have 50 people who want my attention and I've only got 24 hours in the day. So I can't spend individual time with every single person. I know B needs to be ministered to but what about me having any time? What about what I need to take care of? It makes me crazy! I feel like butter spread over too much bread...

And there are wonderful things in my life - TREMENDOUS blessings. And I'm very thankful... even though I can't pay for the stupid new set of tires on my car, I'm thankful I have a car. I'm thankful for the roof over my head. I'm thankful for excellent friends and family. But it's hard not to be overwhelmed some days - with the stress of money and whatnot. And looking for a new place to live and how that will pan out... and school and singles group and volleyball practices and games and leadership in general and... the list goes on and on.

So God, help me. I just need help! I need to give you control, I need to have faith. And I need to not worry.

I need to stop trying to please the whole of the world and do what I feel called to do. Or what I feel is right... or whatever. I just need to stop worrying about it. And thing is, is that up until last week I was getting pretty good. I was committing things to prayer everyday and giving it to Him. Last week has completely thrown me for a loop.

So, I'm asking for your prayers - those of you who pray. I'm asking you to pray for what it is I'm supposed to be doing. I'm asking you to pray that I will have peace. I'm asking you pray for my family with the stress of selling the clinic. I'm asking you pray for God's will in my relationships.


Friday, September 23, 2005

Pigskin Smigskin - the uncles are going down!

So every year (as mentioned on Karalynz's blog) my Dad's side of the family gets together for Thanksgiving (my FAVORITE holiday) and we play us some football. There's a football field (where the Lohn Eagles play 6 man every year) near my great grandmother's house and we'll head out there (a whole 25 steps from the house) and get our pigskin on.

Here's how we split the teams: My Dad has four living brothers (Tim isn't with us anymore) and they will all team up. All of the cousins (the brother's children) will team up. There's usually a few second cousins around and so we'll split them up according to how many people we have on the teams thus far.

EVERY YEAR the cousins get tromped. Why is this? We're playing against 40 year olds!!!! For crying out loud!?!?! What's our problem?

So, I have (like Karalynz) come up with a game plan. I will be sending the cousins play-books. STUDY HARD fellow cousins, STUDY HARD because this year WILL be different. We will not be defeated!!!! We will not leave the field in shame!!!!

Rosalie & Eric

At the Target off of Marsh and Beltline, there happens to be a lady by the name of Rosalie. Let me tell you alittle about Rosalie. She always wears her hair in a bun. She has to be in her 50s I would think... but doesn't have much grey hair. She is hispanic (so even at her age, her skin color is beautiful) and speaks with an accent. I love it. When you check out at Rosalie's counter, you don't just get the typical "how are you? did you find everything o.k.?" spill that every other clerk will give you. Nope. Rosalie excels in customer service and entertainment. She chatters mindlessly (at least, most people would say it was mindlessly) and she will sing "Don't Worry Be Happy" while scanning your purchased items among other things. She has these sayings, I never can remember them, but there're always fabulous and they make my day. She is a doll. I watch people as they stand in her line. They way they treat her makes me SO angry. I don't understand it. How could you not appreciate her? What's so wrong with returning the goodwill she is so determined to give to people? Oy. It torments me. Anyway, she's great. Well, my boss sent me to Target today to buy every last heavy duty umbrella they had. We have a bridal show on Sunday (ug) and she is expecting the weather to be terrible. So, I went to Target and bought 15 umbrellas and 6 jars of picante sauce (for the seminar we hosted this evening.) So I have the umbrellas and hot sauce and I get in Rosalie's line. She looks at the contents I've just thrown onto the conveyor belt and says, "You expecting it to rain?" If this question had come from anyone else, I would have thought them an idiot. But not Rosalie.

"Well, my boss sent me for these."

She looked at the umbrellas again. Then the hot sauce.

"I can't tell if you will be cold or you will be hot!" I think by this she meant, cold from the rain and hot from the sauce, but I'm not sure. I chuckled. Rosalie and the lady behind me thought I was a complete fool and half crazy. I loved it because Rosalie, who everyone else thinks is crazy thought I was crazy today. I love it.

She finished ringing me up and said, "I'll see you when I see you." She always says this as people leave her register. I think it's a very appropriate saying, being that we really don't know when the next time we'll see people is.

So then I go to pick up copies at Office Depot. Eric, I've blogged about him before, poor thing. He married a woman in China about 2 months ago. And I mean, she is from China and he went there to marry her. Well, she can't come to the states until all the paper work is finished which could be 6 months to 2 years!!!! Needless to say, he usually wants to talk about it. He misses her! Who wouldn't need to talk about it? I make it a point to ask how his wife is because he loves to talk about her. There was a woman in front of me picking up a stamp order and she was so rude to him. It just infuriates me!

I'm just so tired of the selfishness!! Good gravy!

If people would just stop for 5 seconds and ask someone how they were doing and honestly meant it (as opposed to it being a formality) we would be so much better off!

Anyway, I hope people like Rosalie and Eric have people who love them to go home to at night. Eric will soon, but at least until then he can talk to his wife over instant messanger or the phone. I'm not sure about Rosalie, but I hope she has great people in her life who cover her in their love.

Everyone deserves to be loved by someone. Everyone deserves to be listend to. We just need to stop and remember that some days because I think too often that not, we are so caught up in our own lives that we are blinded and can't see the needs of those around us.

God, help us see the needs of those around us. Forgive us when we're blinded by our own selfishness.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

These kinds of tests are fun...

You scored 47 intelligence, 60 diligence, 51 charisma, and 52 compassion!
You are well-rounded and nurturing. The future of the world is in your hands. People will never understand how difficult your job is until they try it. "Don't you spend all day coloring pictures?" Ha. Right.

Other jobs you might be good at: pretty much anything you enjoy

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 29% on intelligence

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 88% on diligence

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 83% on charisma

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 91% on compassion
Link: The Ideal Job for Your Personality Test written by newbluechampion on Ok Cupid

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Livin' La Vida Dorka!

that's pretty much all I have to say about that

Politically Correct

Took this test via Marrie and Scott's blog. The outcome is as expected. However, could do without my picture being right smack dab on top of John Kerry's head. Lying sack of crap...

Social Moderate
(50% permissive)

and an...

Economic Moderate
(43% permissive)

You are best described as a:


Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Pass the credit please... oh sorry! we're fresh out

Have they not been listening for five years? This is what I've been trying to say. This is what I've been trying to express to them. This is the fundamental problem.

And here's another fundamental problem. My family can't communicate. You either get your head torn off or shut out, not listened to. And I'm tired of trying to play mediator. I went home last time exhausted. I tried to mediate and just get people to see both sides, IT'S NOT PERSONAL DAMN IT. But no, we have to make it that way.

And it doesn't matter that I went home last night and cried for a good hour and wrote til my arm and head hurt. Nope. It doesn't matter.

Should anyone take this personally? NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.


Are we not, have we not, have I not been raised to be open to what the book says, that churches that preach what the Good Book says are o.k.?????? But now, all of the sudden, it's not. All of the sudden, everything we've been discussing is a moot point.

I'm talking about a bigger issue here, one that has been eating at me since Day One at ACU.

Amanda's (my roommate) father is in Iraq. He is not in the military but he lives on a military base. He told Amanda a story a few weeks ago about how they decided to have church on their base. They're weren't enough people to split up into their set denominations, so the people met and decided to talk about what they all agreed upon. So they did. And they all had church together. And they discovered that they really had alot in common - they weren't as different as they thought.

Isn't this what a church is and should be about? Doing what the Good Book says? When did we become so consumed with our own agendas? Satan's best tool is the church. He does his best work within churches. IT MAKES ME SICK.

You know, my parents are always telling me to "find someone on the same spiritual page as you." But is that what they really want? Are my parents and I on the same spiritual page? I don't think we have been for awhile. And if someone wants to place blame... you can start with good 'ol ACU.

I think I deserve a little more credit than I'm getting right now. I'm not acting like Travis because I have been listening. I HAVE BEEN LISTENING. I do not yell at people at the drop of a hat. I ask questions to clarify the situation to better understand because I want to understand. I love it that my parent's think that I'll run off with the next thing who happens to look my way and has a penis. Good deal. Good. If that were the case... let's see I could have run off with (to name few): Jason, Darren (who is doing mission work as well I might add), Keith, Brandon, Steve and that's just a few at church. Would you like me to name the un-Godly ones? (or wait, maybe I already did) The 52 gillion I meet through work who ask for my number because they think that bangin' me for a night might be fun.

GIVE ME SOME F#$*&#*$ credit here folks.

Didn't get any credit when I was married. Still don't get any now. Gee. Not alot has changed.

Monday, September 19, 2005

An evening with some cool folks...

So this weekend my friend Lori and I went to M's parent's house to visit with them and his bro Seth and Seth's roommate Clint. Needless to say it was tons of fun! Wasn't expecting to have steak and mashed potatoes... but it was some of the best steak I've had in a LONG time. Muy bueno. It was great to see how M and S interacted with their parents, how his parent's interacted together, how M interacted with his Mom, etc.

After Lori and M and I helped with the dinner fixin's we all sat down to eat. Clint prayed for us (he's such a doll) and we all ate and talked and enjoyed one another's company. It was great!

After dinner, Lori, Mr. Williams and I sat around the table (Mr. Williams and I with our delicous coffee) and talked for a good while. Once again, it was great. I can't re-iterate enough how great it was.

When we left the house that night, Lori commented that she felt like they were kind of like family... it was that cool. I have to say I felt the same way.

It was really nice. I hadn't felt that way since I've been in Dallas and it was neat. It's always nice to be surrounded by a great group of Godly people.

All in all, I probably only said 10 words to M the entire evening! We made the salad together, but we spent most of our time visiting with everyone else. He walked Lori and I out to the car and we talked then... but I didn't think about how little time we actually spent together until until later. I thought that was kinda cool (being that it was the first time I'd been to his parent's house).

Anyway, just wanted to share some of the weekend's events. It was great.

Have I mentioned that it was great yet?

Fabulous even?



Supercalfrajalisticexpealidoucious even!!!

It was really cool.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Things that make me tick

* seeing someone in an "Ah ha!" moment... when they "get it"
* passion (anybody need any? I've got plenty to share...)
* serving, serving, serving, serving, serving
* music (if I like it, I listen to it)
* laughing
* making cookies with my bizzle
* helping someone figure "things" out
* writing... doesn't matter what... just so long as I have a pen (or a PC)
* learning something new
* teaching someone something new
* one-on-one time
* seeing people come together to make something happen or make a change
* observing God's creation

I could probably think of more but I want to know what makes you tick!

Counting my Blessings

* money enough to pay bills, even if it's by the skin of my teeth
* superb family
* at least two real friends, who fill me up when I'm empty as opposed to taking when
they know I'm running on empty
* a roof over my head
* excellent family
* a God, who, despite my daily failures, despite my bullheadedness: continually and freely gives me mercy and grace; who loves/ed me enough to send his one and only son to die on a cross... to redeem me, to make me righteous, to bring me into His holiness, to call me home to Him
* a refrigerator
* the fact that I'm literate
* the fact that I'm healthy, that I'm not handicapped in anyway physically
* the ability to worship freely in this country without fear of molestation by the government
* my dog
* Dr. Pepper!
* the ability to think, reason, and discern for myself
* my Jeep
* my job
* my roommate
* the weather today
* the pen I enjoy writing with at work
* the people I visit with at Office Depot
* writing in my journal/s
* Prestoncrest
* the new people in my life recently
* my blogging buddies :)
* the opportunity to coach the volleyball team
* the girls on the team - each of them is a blessing, their smiles, their laughter, their "Ah ha!" moments... it's awesome
* seeing the guys at PC start to take initiative and step up to the plate... see them thinking about taking on some leadership

and the list goes on and on and on...

what are some of your blessings?

Thursday, September 15, 2005

A Very Merry Un-Birthday

O.k. after today, I will not be upset about the birthday anymore. But I'm pissed. Don't tell me you're going to plan a party and then forget about it. Don't tell me you're going to call and then don't. And then, this all happens after one of the worst weekends in a year. Good grief. And then at the office they forget to order a cake. And then I have to spend my birthday money on food for the week. And then I get one present, which, you know it's not the quantity, it's that for the second year in a row people forgot. The cake wouldn't have been this cool looking if TK hadn't forgotten to order it and they hadn't had to have put two different sized layers together. It's the coolest cake I've ever had (except the doll cake my mom made when I was in 4th grade). Which I then had to take to my aunt and let my ungrateful cousins eat. Anyway...

I'm done complaining. It's out now. But I'm posting the pic because I thought the cake was kickin'.

So a VERY MERRY UN-BIRTHDAY to me today... or something.

Words of Affirmation

I think my primary love language is words of affirmation. Here's why I've come to that conclusion: this week I've noticed that on several occasions mere words have brought me to elation. Elation. Here are a few examples.

* Upon walking into the gym for volleyball practice with the girls on Tuesday, several of them screamed, "LAURA!!" My heart almost couldn't contain itself.

* Yesterday I was talking to M in the parking lot and he said, "I could stand here and talk to you all night." It was the first thing I thought about this morning.

* I also received a text message yesterday that said, "You are amazing." !!!!!!!!!! I could live off of that one statement for a month.

That kind of stuff fills my love tank. And I don't think we did it much in our family growing up... the wordy kind of stuff I mean. And we weren't so touchy either. So, I think if I were to rank my love languages (why I'm doing this right now, I'm not sure... I've been trying to figure this out for awhile though) they would go something like this:

1. Words of affirmation
2. Gifts
3. Physical touch
4. Acts of Service
5. Time

Now, that's someone else filling up my love tank. When I choose to fill up someone else's, I don't necessarily fill them up the same way I choose to be filled. It goes something like this:

1. Acts of service
2. Physical touch
3. Gifts/words of affirmation
4. Time

I feel like some of these kind of melt together. Anyway, this is a weird post. But I was drifting away while sitting here at my desk... thinking about all sorts of good things. Just thinking... and this is just some of what I thought of.

I know I haven't posted in awhile... been writing in my journal alot in the past two weeks. Personal things... too personal for you guys! Even if you do know my name now Discom! ;)

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

If you ain't from Texas, get out the Whitehouse and shut-up

I've had these pictures to post for awhile. Now's the prime opportunity. Here's the deal: Bush is a man's man. He knows how to work and he knows how to play. He gets the job done. He loves his family and he's not afraid to admit it. He doesn't have a zipper problem... i.e. he keeps what God gave him in his pants. He is a good man.

Does he define my ethics? No. But he's a damn good man. And I'm glad he's representing my country as opposed to some idiot who can't decided what he believes one day to the next, who messes around with anything and everthing, who can't commit to an idea, belief or person. I'm sick and tired of the media. I'm sick and tired of the complaining. So this is for you W. You ROCK.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Tie a Red Ribbon around Ram Week

Dude. Last night a good friend deemed me "over commited." And I think he's right. I nearly lost it. I think mostly because I'm WAY too tired right now. After last weeks marathon of sleepless nights... I'm bushed. And last night wasn't too much better. I had a terrible nightmare. Woke up angry. I hate that. I was yelling at my dog this morning... it was aweful.

We used to have red ribbon week at school, you remember? "Say No to Drugs." Well, I need a red ribbon. "Say No to You." No, I will not teach 2's on Sunday night for the fall quarter and co-lead the singles group and coach a volleyball team (without realizing it would be a 6 hour a week commitment). But did I say no? No. I didn't. I want to coach volleyball and I want to lead the singles. But I don't want to teach 2's. And I don't want to work extra hours at work. And I don't want to do... etc., etc., etc.

We had a ministry meeting last night for all the singles at Prestoncrest. S, K and I have each adopted an area of ministry to organize and head up. To make a long story short, I have the biggest one: IN reach, the one most people are interested in participating in due to the nature of it. So we're all sitting around, everyone's throwing out great ideas and we get to the part where *GASP* people need to take on a specific task. TAKE ON SOME RESPONSIBILITY. And NO ONE takes anything on. NO ONE. So I feel the need to explain that since we have so many people interested that no one should feel burdened... we can all take on small projects. Not one person has to take on the world... still no one stepped up.

Afterward, a friend came up and said, "You know L, I know you try to take on everything by yourself because you feel like you have to. And I'm the same way. But if you ever need anything, you just let me know and I'll do it. All you have to do is ask."

Can I just say that last night I was too tired to be pissed, but today I'm thinking it ticks me off a little. Really? You're the same way? If you were wouldn't you have felt the need to step up when NO ONE ELSE WOULD?

I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm an idiot. Plan and simple. An idiot. A fool. But if no one else does it, who will? Who will do it.

So here I sit overwhelmed. And yeah, I'm going to delegate. I'm gonna. But it sucks. Because there's a bigger issue at hand here and no one gets it.

I need to pray for a better attitude today.

I need a red ribbon. I need a better attitude. We need better hearts. Willing hearts. And we need grace.

We need grace.

Uh... me Jane?

He is amazing. Amazing... that's all there is too it. And it only keeps getting better. We're becoming better and better friends. At times I wonder how it is that it could be this good. It's flabbergasting.

What in the world? It's like what Beef and Writer were saying with the Far Side cartoon. I sit and listen to him and I'm astounded. He is so intelligent. And so funny. He cracks me up! He must think I'm crazy for laughing so hard... but I can't help it!

And I love to listen to him... I could listen to him for days on end. It's not just logic... it's from his heart. Wow. Wow... I can't even begin to describe it.

And when I need to be called to the carpet he does it with such grace. No condemnation or condescension. How does a man do that?

Does he have flaws? Sure he does. Do I? Oh yes. But I'm having fun learning what they are and whether or not I want to deal with them or not... yeah, I sure did say having fun.

It's just astounding. It is. All of it.

And I know this made no sense to anyone... but that doesn't matter. I just needed to empty my head so I can actually work instead of sit here in amazement, staring off into space.

He is a good man. A Godly man.

I'm glad he's my friend.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Doin' Life

So last night I was supposed to have dinner at this really cool place in Plano with some friends. Really, I only wanted to see two of the people that were supposed to be there, but no matter. It was a belated birthday party. I got to work... everyone had decided to bail. We've had this planned for two weeks!!! Oh, well. I get home (work was an absolute nightmare) and my good friend M called and to make a long story short we decided I'd go to his place and have dinner and watch a movie to celebrate my birthday... cause I still haven't really celebrated. Well, I'm on my way to his place (which takes an hour to get to) and he calls me to say that his bro in B/CS who is having a tough time right now called and suggested we come to see him for the weekend. He just needed some company. Fine with me! I love B/CS. These are good guys... haven't known them too long but know by their hearts and actions to know them well enough to know that their are excellent men of stature and moral character. They are men of God.

So, I turned around, went home to pack a few things. M showed up, we picked up some grub from Wendy's and set out to B/CS at around 10:00 pm. We talked the entire way down. It was so cool. This may seem like a strange statement but after the week I had I just really had a longing to sit and talk with M. And I had been praying for the opportunity to do so. Just to talk. Boy did we ever get the opportunity. And it was awesome. God has a funny way of bringing things about though doesn't He? He cracks me up...

We arrived at his bro, Seth's house and got the grand tour and met all the roommates (who are all characters!) Rocky, being the gentleman he is, let me sleep in his room which very luckily has an adjoining bathroom. :) Good thing cause I wasn't so sure about M seeing me with no make-up yet. HA! We went to bed at around 3 am and got up at around 9. I didn't sleep well at all. Too much on my mind. Exciting things though. Not like the rest of the week.

This morning Clint, Sean and I went to Kroger to pick up some pancake mix, milk, orange juice, bananas (for Clint's special "Nana pancakes"), sausage, and syrup. On the way there we had an excellent discussion about what church is and who is the church and whatnot. I was shocked at these boy's (I say boys, but they're 22 year old men) maturity. Clint was raised C of C but doesn't attend one anymore. Won't go into the story. But he believes in the necessity of baptism. He has such an understanding of the scripture. The three of us had the most amazing discussion about labels of "Baptist" and "church of Christ" and "non-denominational." It was so enriching. And very encouraging because it made me feel better about where the Church is headed.

I made pancakes for the crew of six. Rocky helped with the sausage. We all sat around the table and grubbed. It was awesome. Seth said the prayer and it was a good prayer... I cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom when we were finished eating. M helped with the dishes.

Clint told me this morning that they weren't going to let me go home. That's fine by me. Fine by me. I told Clint I'm going to adopt him. We just need to get the papers signed... ;)

Took a nap on the couch while the guys watched football. Am blogging now. My heart is full. We're just doin' life this weekend. Just doin' life... and I'm lovin' it. Every minute... every second just soakin' it in.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Queens of Crunk

Last night I coached my first volleyball practice with my friend Leslie. We're coaching for a subsidized private school... interesting, huh? I met at her place uptown and we followed her friend Rob to the school. The catholic school is located in west Dallas in one of the worst parts of town. On the way there we saw a guy getting arrested. "Good deal... good deal," I was thinking.

The school has a 10 foot tall fence running all the way around it with razor wire at the top. We pulled in, parked the cars and walked into the gym. It's new, thanks to a private donation by someone (can't remember who Rob said). It's a co-ed team but only one of the guys showed up last night. Middle school aged. 12 kids showed. Leslie and I split the kids up (being that we only had two balls) and started off by practicing bumping to one another. My group of six got in a circle. I of course, attracted all the girls that we more or less considered the "bad girls." Hand fulls to say the least. Let me just tell you that I loved every minute of it and I think they were surprised.

To motivate them to have control over the direction of the ball (which Anna didn't seem to care about in the beginning... she was more concerned with doing the opposite of what I told her to and gauging my reaction) I made a game out of it. Smile on my face the whole time. Oh the joy.

"O.k. here's what we're going to do. You can bump or spike the ball. You have to call it before you hit it. If you call it and miss that's fine, but if you don't call it and hit it you have to drop and do three push-ups. *insert grin* If no one calls the ball and no one goes for it we ALL have to do three push-ups. Everyone understand the rules?" They all nodded in agreement and laughed.

It was on. Everyone was calling the balls and running to get them. It was awesome. All of the sudden these girls who had no motivation, had motivation. When I didn't call it, I dropped for three. I think they were surprised that I applied the rules to myself. We had so much fun. We all encouraged one another and had a blast. After we did that awhile we practiced our serves, which they all did great on. I was impressed. We took a break between bumping practice and serving and I asked the girls to circle up, since we'd worked pretty hard and they needed a short break and we had no water (will explain in a minute). "So, I want each of you to tell me the best thing that happened to you today." They all kind of looked at each other... and then went around the circle. It rocked. Maria had enchiladas made by her mom and grandmother... homemade! I told her I was jealous! Monica Marie said that she got to talk to her little sister who lives in Garland... they all had great things to say. And I shared mine with them as well.

The gym, I found out, has no water fountain. So, I guess I'll be investing in an Igloo and be bringing water to practice every week from now on because most of these poor girls don't have parents sensible enough to send any water with them. While a few of the girls ran to the restroom Princess said that the day before, right across the street from the school a man had set his girlfriend on fire. She took off her shirt and started to run off. A man came to help her out and was stabbed repeatedly by the boyfriend. "You know, it's sad because it's not the old people, it's the young people who are being bad. But that's just the way it is in West Dallas," Princess said casually.

Leslie and I talked to Rob after practice and he filled us in on some of the girls history. Monica Marie's (she was in my group) whole family has abandoned her. Her mother is a drug addict and no one knows where she is. Her father is in the area and drops by when it is convenient for him to say hello. She lives with a distant relative... but they're not that close. I noticed that when we were practicing she seemed to distance herself from me. She wanted to laugh... but she didn't. That would involve emotional attachment. However, some of the parents of the kids are doctors and work at the clinics downtown and really want their kids to go to a catholic school. It's an interesting mix of kids. But I love them all. Rob made sure to tell Leslie and I never to walk to our cars by ourselves. And NEVER to speak to anyone. He assured us we were safe, but to be careful.

I stood their in that group of girls last night and my heart was full. I love working with kids like that. When I say "like that" I mean the ones who are grateful to have a hug from anyone they can get it from... the ones that everyday is struggle just to drag themselves out of bed because they're not sure if it's worth living or not because not one person in their life has told them they're worth it. The kids who need Christ in their life so bad. It makes my heart ache and swell simultaneously.

We have two games tomorrow. I'm so stoked!

Oh, the title of this post comes from Anna. She is probably the toughest of the group and Rob told me she probably won't get to play after the first game due to eligibility. Hopefully, though, she'll see it's worth it and decided to keep her grades up so she'll be able to stick it out. Anyway, she wants to name the team "Queens of Crunk." But I found out that since it's a school team we have to stick with the mascot, the Eagles. I'll have to tell her it can be our nickname. :)

"I Like Big Bibles"

O.k., so I'd heard of this before, but never heard it until today. It's hilarious... it's so stupid it's almost not funny.

So here are some of my favorite lines from the song:

"ain't talkin' bout paraphrase cause Paul wouldn't use those anyway"

"and I read it with some holy kissin"

"but that book you got makes me so holy"

"you can have those bimbos - I keep those chics that do devos"

and my all time favorite:
"39 + 27 = 66, and if you're Catholic, there's even more" (talking about the # of books in the bible of course)

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Farting Preacher

Crap... this is the FUNNIEST thing I've seen in awhile. Please, watch at your own risk. I laugh 'til I wheeze. Oh, and make sure you have you're speakers on. :)
I am exhausted with perpetual disappointment in the people I am surrounded by.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Meet You on the Mountain...

The most beautiful picture of a Godly relationship is captured within Song of Solomon. I didn't think so until I watched a series by Tommy Nelson. It has taken on a whole new meaning. Lots of things have.

I was thinking about leaving my parents at the airport on Monday. It sucked. It was terrible. I had this longing to be small enough to be picked up in my Dad's arms and carried home again. I wanted my Mom to cradle me and tell me everything was going to be o.k. I wanted to be held like a little child and sung to. I longed to be a child again. I longed for the innocence of youth. When walking up the stairs to security I wanted to cry out... not that it would have done any good... but I wanted to. I wanted to go home and stay there for a very long time.

I am thankful that I have parents who have demonstrated what a Godly relationship ought to be. Not that they are in any way perfect... but I tell you what: my Dad loves my Mom; no doubts about that. And my Mom loves my Dad. And it's evident in all that they do.

Maybe one day Tirzah, the dove, the Lilly of the Valley, will emerge from the clefts of the rock and her Solomon will be standing there, open arms beckoning her, flaws and all. And she will go to him, she will go to him, unafraid and unabashed. She will go to him, out of the darkness and into the light of his love. They will meet each other on the mountainside. And it will be so beautiful, it will be so touching and so magnificent that it will take their breath away.

14 My dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the hiding places on the mountainside,
show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely.
15 Catch for us the foxes,
the little foxes
that ruin the vineyards,
our vineyards that are in bloom.

16 My lover is mine and I am his;
he browses among the lilies.
17 Until the day breaks
and the shadows flee,
turn, my lover,
and be like a gazelle
or like a young stag
on the rugged hills.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Running on Empty

I lied. I told several people that the wedding wasn't hard. But I lied. It was. Actually, it wasn't the wedding itself so much as it was them. They way he looked at her. They way she beamed. BEAMED. Them. They. The fact that they are creating a oneness now. One. Togetherness. Togetherness that I should be and have and create. And I'm not. Now everyone just stop right here and hold your horses. I am in no way jealous. I am SO happy for them I can't even tell you!!! They are magnificant together and I am so happy C has found a Godly man who adores her... adores her. It's just that I feel like a complete and utter failure.

Failure. Yup. Unwanted when someone else is so desired by another. I have no explanation as to why I wasn't. And I will never have an explanation. Never. My grandmother would tell you that it's because he didn't love me. After all, if you love a person why in God's name would you treat them that way? But every time she says, "he didn't love you" it's like tearing open the scar. I can't explain why. I guess because I thought he did.

And people came up to my parents all weekend and made comments like, "This must be really hard for your daughter." And Carla sat me down after the wedding, who knows why, (maybe God put it on her heart... maybe she knew I needed to hear it) and said to me: "You don't let anyone steal the joy God has given you. You don't let anyone look down on you. I'm so proud of you. Your parents are proud of you. And sometimes God takes us through things so we're able to minister to others. And sometimes we don't know why. But we do know this, He knew you were strong enough to handle it or He wouldn't have given it to you." Among a million other things. And we cried together. I think I cried all weekend. And Crystal told me things she's never told me before. And we encouraged one another.

But I just want to scream... I TRIED! I gave it my all! What else was there to do? And now I am branded... now I am BRANDED for the rest of my life with this stupid label because of a decision made on someone else's part. Am I supposed to be held accountable for that? So now every guy I date will question me. Every one. Every one of them.

Scarlet letter. And Jack Joy asked my Dad if there was "some level of embarassment." Ya think? You think being 24 and divorced carries a level of embarassement? Yeah. I haven't asked it before today but I'm asking now, I'm sinking to that level: GOD, WHY ME?

It doesn't matter if you empty yourself on the alter for people everyday for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter. Because ultimately you're screwed anyway.

And so today I'm very distracted. Very...

So what is Your will LORD? Because I ask and I haven't yet received an answer? And all I've ever wanted to do was Your will... and yeah, You know I'm not perfect... I can't survice without Your Grace... but could You help me out here??????? Please? How long does a person have to beg? How long?

I knew where I was going. I had a plan, which I thought was Yours. I knew what my calling was. And yet, here I sit... unfulfilled in my job and completely confused and a disspointment to the world. A dissapointment to You.

And as I walked down the aisle Saturday, I know what people were thinking... "You know what happened to her..." as they shook their heads.

So I'm crying out today and I've BEEN CRYING OUT!!! So for just one day... just one day, God, keep Him away... can we just keep Satan away? Can we just forget it ever happened? I guess you don't even remember what I'm talking about ... BUT I DO! Why didn't you give us the ability to forget as you do? I HATE this ever happened... I HATE IT.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Out for a bit...

I'm GOING HOME!!!!!!!!! WOOO WHOOOOOO!!!!! I'll be home for my birthday and to be in a dear friend's wedding. Good stuff.

Needless to say, I won't be blogging for a few days. So peace out!

There's no place like home.