Maybe I've spent my whole life burning bridges because I don't want to get hurt. Maybe I shut myself off to people who draw near because I'm afraid of heartache. Maybe I feel so overcome by guilt that it stops me in my tracks.
It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday that because of my innate sinful nature I can't help but be imperfect. I hate that. I hate it that I can't do anything to earn my salvation. I suppose this is Satan getting the best of me today.
I feel the need to run frantically to these people I feel I need to beg forgiveness from... why? I don't know. But it's killing me today. I know I'm not perfect. I know I made mistakes and continue to make idiotic mistakes. I know I don't deserve the blessing of my husband. Why do they have to be brought back up again and again and again??? I don't do that to people!
Why is it that others can say whatever they wish to me but the second I tell them how I feel I've done them some sort of injustice.
Screw everything.
I'm going to take a blogging hiatus. I have alot to think about and this is not the outlet for these sorts of thoughts.
Check y'all later.
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15 comments:
You are on my prayer list.
You're on my prayer list, too. I've been right there in your shoes and have felt the same feelings. Not so long ago. Don't listen to the lies. Remember who you are - the daughter of the Most High God - and He loves you so very, very much.
Well, crap - 'cause I love these posts when you say the very thing that most of us are thinking.
But I understand.
And I'd bet your husband DOES believe you deserve him.
Hang in there, Ram!!!
You know, your loving, understanding brother has what we in the business like to call a "cell phone". And I live where you used to. Love you Ram-boo-let!
oh sweetheart...I hear ya..this morning in Church a scripture was read that I probably have heard and read bunches of times but it sort of stopped me in my tracks..and okay am I bad because I can't remember the scripture..It basically said that its not because we loved God but because He loved us..its a weird thing not to feel like you should earn this gift, but its true you don't, its a gift..
but here's the thing we don't deserve it and girl, that is the good news..
Listen, I have missed you and I don't want you to go away again...be honest with us its okay...
Some wise old guy named Clint told me I didn't trust God..and he was right..These last few months have been amazing..they have been hell but I have learned so much about myself and about not caring about being vulnerable..so don't leave..we love ya..and we are here listening..you guys don't even know the half of what you got me through...its very strange but I love this group..anyway..you do what you need to do..but email me if you need to..that's what Happy and Scott did for me ..and I was truly touched ...they are sweet boys..
bnicemann@hotmail.com
much love, and peace..
I just preached a freakin sermon...sorry...I should leave that up to the frog..
Ram, my email is joelscottselfATyahoo.com if you ever need it.
But PLEASE don't give it to Discom!!!
keeping you in my prayers too. hope all turns out for the good. hey, you can always email or call your unc. Remember, we crossed the dessert with Jasmine... that makes us pretty tight.
Ram,
Oh yeah I DEFINITELY know what you're going though. People's natural reaction to being confronted with their own sins and wrongdoings is to "attack".
I have found that everytime I have been wronged and try to approach that person it rarely ends with them simply saying I'm sorry.
The usual response is "oh yeah, well let me tell you why I did that to you because you did XYZ last week and YOU hurt ME." Sigh. I don't know what to tell ya, but at times like these I know prayer can be just about as good for us as it is for God. So keep the prayers going. You'll be alright.
Ok. So I just read all of your comments and holy cow. I am so encouraged! You are all amazing and I appreciate your support even though I've never even met half of you. I initially decided to quit blogging for awhile due to the fact that it sounds terrible most the time - and my life is far from terrible but you have to vent and have a sounding board, you know? Anyway, you guys rock!!! I love you all (it's that Spirit thing, ya know).
Happy & Candy - thanks so much! I DO appreciate your prayers.
Scott - WELL... if you want to hear me rant and complain - that's what you'll get! ;) And maybe if you're extra nice to me I won't give your email to Discom... :)
Beef - I love ya bro. Thanks for lunch yesterday and thanks for the Ram-boo-let lovin'.
Bev - Wow. Exactly. You can preach to me any day! ;) I was thinking on Sunday evening that is my problem - I am scared to death of being vulnerable. I can tell my best girlfriend some deep stuff, but it's ok cause we're not intimately involved. It's harder to be completely vulnerable to someone you're physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritual involved with (i.e. my hubby). I realized that I the one time I was completely vulnerable I was hurt and I'm scared CRAPLESS of it happening again. However, I need to have faith and remember to hope. Thanks Bev. You're awesome!
Writer - Word up yo. And Jasmine does make people pretty tight! ;) Thanks for the encouragement!
Demo - Yeah, I don't think situation is even worth approaching. But oh well, I'm getting over it. It just opened a can of worms I finally had closed and buried. Oh well, I suppose it's not their problem, right?
Killjoy - Thanks for the kinds words. Maybe I'll give you a ring on one of my sleepless nights. :)
How is my beautiful little favorite doing...make that one of, because Plankton can get a bit upset?
I am praying that you are having an amazing day today knowing that you are His little princess and He delights in you and there's not a dang thing you can do to mess with that....I'm one too..:)
Hey girl...you okay?
Yeah, Ram, how are you doing? Miss you.
I good... alittle frustrated but good. I'll have to email you Bev (and Candyu as well if you like). I have a situation - kind of a good and frustrating one. NE hoo... I'm fine. Thanks for checking in on me!
Girl...email me!!!
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