Friday, January 27, 2006

I just figured out how to change the text color on my blog!!!! I'm so excited!!! The possibilities are ENDLESS!!!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Might as well be an episode of Futurama

A co-worker was reading online today about a couple (and their dogs) that are going to be cryogenically frozen. 100 years from now (so the plan is) they will be awakened. We also found out that some people are even freezing their heads in hopes of them being used with different bodies in the future!?!

What the heck??? That is one of the strangest thing I've ever heard. When asked why one of their reasons was "they're friends are doing it." Wow. MY friends are all getting cryogenically frozen (a process which has never been proven on humans) so I think I will too.


Once I find the story, I'll post the link. In the meantime, my co-worker asked the question: what happens to a person's spirit & mind when their body is out of it for that long of a time? Are they just in limbo? I would love to hear your opinons.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Under the knife..

Found out today I'm going to have surgery next Monday morning at 8 am. I have a sick feeling in my stomach now. I'm sure things will be fine but the thought of "going under" doesn't appeal to me by any means especially since the word "anesthesia" means "near death." I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to die cause someone gave me too much of something they shouldn't have.

Or if it didn't work and then I felt everything.

Oy. Need to think of something else now...

Friday, January 20, 2006

...And the mice will play

The boss is out of the office and we have PLAYED all day so far. I'm beat from working all weekend and the BOSS isn't here cause she's tired! Good grief... I hate being a pion.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

January 19, 2006, 9:35 AM (an email)

Good Morning Beautiful,

I arrived this morning to find out that a collague of mine had to throw her husband out last night because she found out that he was cheating on her. Please be in prayer for her and her family.

I also wanted to thank you for being you. I truly enjoy every opportunity to spend time with you. I look to watch you interact with people, especially people that you care about. Laura, you have a huge heart!!! I pray that I may be the man that I am suppose to be so that I can lead you in the way that God is leading you.

You truly have been a blessing in my life. Your passion for the church and for Christian people is contagious and I love it.

Laura, may you be all that God wants you to be!!!

Love ya

Tolerating tolerance

We were at Pier 1 yesterday doing some more wedding resgistering. The form we had to fill out struck me as odd. There were no places for the bride and groom to enter their information - only places for the "registrant" and the "co-registrant." There was not a place for a wedding date only places for the "type of event" and "date of event." This may not seem like such a big deal but when I thought about it later it occurred to me that Pier 1 was trying to make things more "sexual orientation" friendly - if you will.

A friend and I were having this discussion the other day. Do I condone homosexuality? No. Do I condone getting drunk? No. Do I condone murder? No. Do I condone adultery? No. And yet I do not agree with or think this types of behavior (whether that behavior is chosen or whether it's biological) are acceptable and yet I am supposed to respect the rights of someone I don't agree with but am not given the same respect if I were to spout my ideas or belives that were not coherant with what someone else believed. I have friends who do and have done these very things... I still love them but I do not agree with what they've done.

This is terribly frustrating. I have rights just like anyone else does. I respect you and your decisions whether I agree with them or not. This thing about "tolerance" however, is not about respect it's about acknowledging and accepting those things which I believe to be wrong. I am supposed to like it. I'm supposed to say it's ok. But there is no reverse tolerance. It only goes one way.

There's a great quote by Thomas Jeffereson that pretty much says that my right to punch your lights out ends at the tip of your nose. He's right. I have the right to do a lot of things, but I don't because you have rights as well. With the abuse of rights there are consequences. If I punch you out and you don't agree with why I did or don't feel I had the "right" to, then I could be charged with assault because you interpreted my rights differently.

I think tolerance and politial correctness have done more to harm us than help us.


I had a striking thought the other night (the past two nights I haven't slept well and have felt the need to write right before I go to bed so as not to loose some gem of a thought as of late I can't seem to remember anything at the right time). The thought was: where am I really myself? So I got to thinking about what makes me me. What makes me who I am? How do I communicate that to others? How am I perceived versus how I feel I am perceived?

I decided that I am several different people. Wait - I take that back. I am one person with many facets who feels she can only be a few of those with specifics groups of people at specific points in time. I'm sure to some extent we all feel this way (someone please say "Amen" for my sake). But then again, maybe not.

Here are some examples: I love music that makes you want to move. In fact, truth be known: I really like to dance (and everyone gasped with shock!!!!) However, there are only a very select group of people I will dance with unless it's two stepping because I'm so concerned about what people will think.

I love R&B. I love hip-hop and yet I love Van Halen and Boston and James Taylor. I like Kelly Clarkson and U2. Kansas and Rush. I'm pretty eclectic in my taste in music as well as clothes and art. In these areas, I don't care much about what people think.

I am a thinker. I think alot about all kinds of things. Most of the time when I'm quiet I'm thinking. My mind is hardly ever at rest (which in it's self could make a person crazy.)

With my family, I feel I have to be the intelligent oldest sibling and daughter. I have to be strong and able to pull myself up by my bootstraps. "Build a bridge and get over it!" as my Dad would say. I don't like this. Depending on which friends I'm with I can be alot of things. Or maybe I'm the same and their perception of me is different?

While I know this doesn't seem to be following any sort of thought pattern it lead me to think that I've spent a whole lot of time trying to please too many people. So much time in fact that sometimes when someone asks me what I want I it takes me awhile to decide. In fact, sometimes I think of what it is I really wanted a couple of days later. I guess I'm just learning new things about myself lately. Rediscovering who I've been or who I would have been sooner in time if certain cicumstances had been different.

Maybe I expect too much from people - too much from myself. Perfection? After all most of my fear comes from the thought of making a mistake or making a fool of myself (which I feel I do well enough already).

I don't think any of this is a bad thing, I've just been thinking about it. I feel that for a long time I have been keeping myself in bondage and I'm just trying to figure out which way to go to break free.

Limitations: if I could sum up the last few years of my life I might sum it up in that one word. Five minutes from now I might tell you something different but right now that's what I would tell you. The sad thing is is that the majority of these limitations have been placed on me by my own self. That is what's hard to deal with and often learn from because one of the hardest things to do is make the change to change yourself.

*song by Yes - from the album "Fragile"

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Found on Claraslvr...

Your Personality Is

Artisan (SP)

You are both grounded and flexible. You adapt well to new situations.
You are playful and free spirited - but you are also dependable and never flaky.

You don't do well in conservative, stuffy situations.
It's probably very hard for you to keep a normal job or stay in school.

You are always up for fun and adventure. Most people are too boring for you.
You take risks and bend the rules. And if things don't work out, you chock it up to life experience.

In love, you tend to take things quickly - but you have a huge problem with commitment.

At work, you need to make your own rules. You're best suited to be an entrepreneur.

With others, you are animated and physical. You prefer doing something with friends to just hanging out.

As far as your looks go, you tend to be buff and in good shape. Your spend more time on your body than your clothes.

On weekends, you need to keep active. From cooking up a storm to running a 5K, you wear yourself out.

Tagged by Demo

4 Jobs I've had in my life
1. receptionist for an oil company
2. seamstress for a company that has pillows in the Neiman Marcus catalogue!
3. camp counselor at Camp of the Hills - a christian camp for inner-city kids
4. making Tickelopes - yeah, don't ask

4 Movies i could watch over and over
1. You've Got Mail
2. The LOTR trilogy
3. Down With Love
4. the new Phantom of the Opera

4 Places I have lived
these are 4 of the 7:
1. Bryan, TX
2. Amarillo, TX
3. Hawley, TX
4. Artesia, NM

4 TV shows I love to watch
Don't watch much TV but here we go:
1. any of the Law & Orders
2. ER
3. anything on the History Channel
4. ??? I'm running out... I really don't watch TV much at all

4 Places I have been on Vacation
1. Carlsbad Caverns, NM (hey, our family was BROKE!)
2. White Sands, NM (refer to the above)
3. Saint Martin
4. Huntington Beach, CA!! (road trip baby)

4 Favorite Foods
1. fried okra
2. anything smothered in guac and sour cream
3. Dr. Pepper (YES it is a food group)
4. steak

4 Places I'd Rather Be
1. with Mark
2. looking through that HUGE telescope (where is it?) and marveling at all the coolness
3. on vacation
4. on a mountain watching a sunrise

4 Albums I can't live without
1. Van Halen's Greatest Hits
2. John Mayer - the other one, not Room for Squares
3. my Christian mix CD
4. Coldplay
Also, DC Talk, Mariah Carey and Kelly Clarkson... I just like music. Period.

Saw this on the Great Writer's blog...

Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate

You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great.
One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog...
And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes.
Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.


This has been heavy on my heart lately and for some reason has been a recurring theme in my conversations with people and in circumstances as of late (without me bringing it up). For instance, the other day Mark and I were going into Mardel (a Christian bookstore) to get some stuff for the wedding party. As we approached the door Mark slapped (not in a bad way) the upper part of my thigh. Ok, might as well have been my butt but anyway. I told him to behave since we were walking into Mardel and he said to me, "Oh that's right. We have to keep up our impressions!" Here's the deal: Why was I so concerned about it when walking into Mardel? Would I have been as concerned if we were walking into a theatre or Best Buy? The answer is yes, but the point goes much deeper. Here's the shame: I felt like if anyone walking into Mardel, in Mardel or driving by Mardel would have thought less of us because of his gesture. If he had a wedding band on, that would be different but he doesn't, nor do I, so I was worried about what the other "Christians" would think. I hadn't really thought about what "non-believers" would think. That was more of an after thought.

Since when do we feel like we have to be perfect? Since when did putting on a mask to go to church become acceptable? What does my mask look like? How is it percieved by my Maker?

Maybe we should have Life Groups based on people's struggles so that we could all benefit from those who have been there - so we could truly be built up and edified instead of carrying the burden of hiding our struggles from the rest of our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Are they not fighting the battle also? Are they not just as much of a sinner as we are? YES! So why do we spend SO much time trying to hide... and I think the majority of the time we're not just hiding our struggles and sins from our peers but we actually think we can hide them from God as well! Are we that conceited? A lady told my mom once that my ex-husband and I needed to be separated and not divorced - that we should just live in separate houses but not do the dirty deed of getting a divorced. Did she think that would somehow redeem ourselves? That somehow God wouldn't know the difference? Good grief.

When interviewing singles minister candidates for PC (the church I was serving at) one asked each of us in the room what our vision for the singles group was. I distinctly remember saying that it would be great if our group of singles was so close, felt so loved by one another and so accepted regardless of faults that any of us could stand up at any time and ask for prayer or share a praise. I think half the room thought I was a lunatic and the other half thought that because I mentioned the word "share" and had mentioned the words "the Spirit" that I'd gone off the deep end.

As Romans 6 speaks of in the following passage:
"1What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? 3Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
5If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. 6For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with,[a] that we should no longer be slaves to sinĂ‚— 7because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.

8Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. 10The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.

11In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. 14For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.

Slaves to Righteousness
15What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means!"

No. We as Christians are not called to sin, but we cannot help the fact that we are sinners. We are sinners because we are not gods - we do not have God's deity. When we accept Christ and are baptised, we recieve the gift of the Holy Spirit but we are still sinners. God knows this. We should know this.

Why do I spend so much time beating myself up for things I did years ago? Why do I ask God for forgiveness when He can't remember what I'm talking about because He already forgave the sin? Is my faith so weak that I cannot actually believe that God could forgive me?

Paul prayed for God to take away his "thorn in the flesh" (whatever it was) and God would not. Paul then boasted that Christ is better made known through his weakness because God was seen through that (2 Corinthians 2:19 - "But [God] said to [Paul], "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I (Paul) will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

I'm just thinking that instead of walking around hiding the fact that we sin maybe we ought to just fess up to it. Why do I want to burden myself any more than I have to? After all, we really only find healing when our sin is exposed by the Light and we are willing to walk in the Light.

Once again, I must reiterate that I am not condoning the fact that people sin - only recognizing it in a healthy way because I think the way we (in the churches) have dealt with it is wrong somehow because we have been listening to Satan's lies instead of God's truth.

I think Satan sometimes uses the Truth to try and bind us but really Truth does set people free... we just have to be willing to be freed in that Truth.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Only in my Dreams*

Been having crazy dreams lately. Just for kicks I looked up some of what's been in my dreams on an online dream interpreter database. Here's what it told me about the following elements of my dreams:

To dream of a war, signifies disorder and chaos in your personal affairs. You also be experiencing some internal conflict or emotional struggle. You are feeling torn between aspects of yourself. Perhaps the dream may indicate that you are being overly aggressive or you are not being assertive enough.

To dream that you killed someone, forewarns that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. Identity the characteristics of the person that you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards this person in your waking life. You may be expressing some rage or hatred toward this person.
To dream that you have been killed, suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions.
This dream may also represent a part of you or your life that you wish would leave you alone and stop creating a nuisance. Killing may represent the killing off of old parts of yourself and old habits.

To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. If you see the word "blood" written in your dream, then it may refer to some situation in your life that is permanent and cannot be changed.
To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you. Women often dream of blood or of someone bleeding shortly before or during their periods and when they are pregnant.
To dream that you are drinking blood, indicates that you have a fresh burst of vitality and power."

I think I may write one my recent dreams down. It was kinda crazy.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Send the Pain Below - Chevelle*

I liked having hurt,
So send the pain below where I need it,
You used to beg me to take care of things,
And smile at the thought of me failing.

But long before, having hurt,
I'd send the pain below,
I'd send the pain below.

Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)

You used to run me away,
All while laughing.
Then cry about that fact,
'til I returned.

But long before, having hurt,
I'd send the pain below,
I'd send the pain below.

Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating.

I can't feel my chest,
Need more, drop down,
Closing in.

I can't feel my chest,
Drop down.

I liked, having hurt.
So send the pain below,
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating) [I liked]
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating) [Having hurt]
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating)
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating)
So send the pain below.

Friday, January 06, 2006

To tea or not to tea

Some people just make good coffee and tea. I could drink GALLONS of Big Mark's coffee. Oy. It's good. My uncle Bryan brings coffee back from Europe and last time I stayed with Uncle Kendall I had the pleasure of having two cups (really 4) of the liquid gold. Oy. I think the brand is Jakob's.

So why can't I make tea, as much as I love it, like I'd like to? What art am I missing? Hmmmmmm... this has always perplexed me. I registered for and received 6 fabulous Carolina styled tea glass and a pitcher (for a wedding/Christmas gift). Last night I made tea in this pitcher for the first time. My visions of tasting the delectable concoction were shattered when I had a sip of it. How terrible it is to long for a perfect glass of ice tea and come up short!!!

If any of you would like to share your tea recipes (iced or cold) or your favorite coffees please feel free to do so. I always like hearing what other people's palates prefer.

Let's be Frank. Ok. "Hi, I'm Frank."

Let's just be honest. I'm scared as hell he's going to turn out like the other one. Scared as hell. How does anyone really ever know anyone. That's just it. WE DON'T. We're just supposed to live day to day in faith?

Maybe I'm not so good at this faith thing. Maybe I think too much.

But it's SCARY.

And then what. What happens when once again the Knight turns out to be the Ogre in disguise and then everyone will think all sorts of crap... as if they already don't.

Damn it. Has he done ANYTHING to make me suspicious? No. But last time I was blinded by my own idocracy. This time is COMPLETELY different. But what happens when we get married and he's not interested anymore? What do I do with this fear? I could let it ruin things or I couldn't. What the heck am I supposed to do?

Trust is earned right? Right. So if he's earned it what's my problem?
Here's my problem: people aren't perfect and so I shouldn't expect them to be.

In church, in work, in relationships... I should just let people be people (which I'm more than happy to do.) But maybe I'm too hard on myself and sometimes that transfers to the people I respect and care about most. The Church, family, relationships, friendships. I have never admitted it before now but I'm pretty sure that's my problem.

I apologize to any of you I know personally for ever holding you to too high a standard - one none of us can attain - and then not telling you and stewing in my own hurt and anger over it without telling you. I apologize for letting the sun set when I should have stayed up til daybreak to work it out.

God save me... really, I don't me that in ANY type of sarcastic way. I just don't know what else to do with myself.


tucked away nicely in this exoskeleton of memories
eclectic makings of this shell may cause
structural damage - could give way at any minute
but i sit... stewing
stew stew stew
the taste of it in my mouth is bitter and old
but i knaw on the old meat regardless
rehashing the past
knashing my teeth on it

hermit i sit here
hermit i stay

Double Take

empty fish tank
re-gifting, indian-giving
re-covered couches left on the curb
that ambiguous look on your face, in your eyes -
the whole of it running through your body, every nerve
flowing from every orifice
simultaneous contradictions - I want to beat it out and make love to it all at once
so high strung with emotions & the lack thereof
this necessity of physical release
the disregard
the disappointment
And it's overwhelming.

words so easily spoken so easily
flabbergasted by your impenetrable, confounding ways

this anniversary of failure plagues me so
happiness is momentary
until I remember -
because I could have done more, done less
because I don't care - but I do
because there are few who get it

is there any redemption?

And Then You.

Thursday, January 05, 2006


I just picked up my wedding dress!!!!! IT'S PERFECT!!!!! I modeled it for the girls at the office. They agreed it's a winner!

I LOVE IT!!!! I told Mark that since I had it we could get married this weekend. He told me to call my family and it would be done...

So really. I want to get married THIS weekend.


I would post a pic but I don't know if Mark will check the blog and I don't want him to see it.


Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Yes, I'll have some cheese with my whine...

Man. I miss blogging. I have been terribly neglectful. I usually blog on my off times at work... but lately I've know that there wouldn't be enough time to get what I wanted on the screen so I've denied myself the pleasure of writing completely. I don't blog at home usually because my computer is a piece.

So here we are - the keyboard and I, the blank screen waiting for my keystrokes to fill it in.

Now what? Today I feel there is so much to say and nothing to say at all. Ha. Isn't that how it usually goes? I applied for 7 (or maybe 8? can't remember) jobs yesterday. We'll see what happens there. I need to finish getting the stuff together to print inviations... yeah, have to wait to get paid to do that.

You know, I feel I'm running on empty. There are several reasons for this: 1) I give, give, give all day and never have anything left for myself. 2) I haven't been getting enough sleep that past three weeks (except for during my time off for the holidays). 3) I'm just tired. 4) I'm REALLY tired of irritating stuff.

"What's irritating?" you might ask. Well #1 on the list right now is not being listened to. I'm heard (sometimes) but not listened to. My boss is notorious for this. It drives me INSANE. My Dad is good at this also. He's always so dog-gone tired. There is A HUGE difference between listening and hearing. Most people can hear... but most people aren't listening.

When I'm tired and am annoyed or frustrated (OR JUST TIRED) I get to where even if a question is asked I will give the most simple and vague answers because I don't want to go through the hassle of explaining and re-explaining myself (which I find myself doing all the time).

Ug. I just realized I'm more like my Dad in this way that I'd like to be.

On the the next subject: I'm just not sure what to do about church. I really don't. I am not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself, but it makes me ill what's going on (because of the people it affects) and I'm not sure what to do about it as of right now. I think I might know who I need to talk to about it... we'll see what happens there.

Next subject: I need to do about 100 things a day until March and I didn't get any of them done yesterday and I probably won't get as much done tonight as I should.


I just want to be closer to him. Gosh. I'm tired of spending too much money on my cell phone bill and being so far away. I know, I know. I sound like a cry baby. Really though, I'm not. I'm just overwhelmed today and would like to see him and won't get to until tomorrow.

I'm stopping here. I thought of 5 intelligent things I could write about today and I haven't written on one of them.