Monday, October 24, 2005

Waiting for Death

My great aunt Virda, and great she is, is on her death bed. We're waiting now. Waiting. I wish she was out of her mind so she didn't know, so we knew that she didn't know what was going on. She she didn't know how much pain she was in.

I stood there last night, watching her chest rise and fall thinking every breath was going to be her last. Hoping it would be for her sake.

I stood by her bed and leaned close to her and she turned her head to look at me. And I smiled at her, best I could. At least she recognizes me. That is the good thing about not being out of her mind right now. And I told her it was o.k. for her to go home... it was o.k. We are all ready for her to go whenever she is. And I told her that it would be better because she wouldn't hurt any more... and she said to me, "Ain't that the truth." And I started to cry and she told me not to but I couldn't help it cause I'm going to miss her.

I going to miss laying in that hospital bed at Memaw's house with her and laughing at our secrets til our stomachs hurt. I'm going to miss crying with her. I'm going to miss sitting in her wheelchair with my feet propped up on her bed and bringing her stuff when she asks for it and giving each other a hard time and remembering all the fun times we had. And I'm going to miss doing life with her. I'm going to miss her not being there anymore.

I'm going to miss her crazy stories and her witt. I'm going to miss hearing her and Memaw's banter back and forth at the house. I'm really going to miss that. Memaw's not going to have a secretary anymore.

Sometimes you get the best work done when you're under the most pressure. So far today I've gotten a few things done. I have to. I've got to much to do. But mostly I just want to be at the hospital cause I feel like that's where I should be. I think I'll sit at the hospital tonight. I want to be there.

Virda has just always been there.

I guess that she'll go to be somewhere else now. And that's a good thing... that's a very good thing. It's just that I'll miss her.

And the missing her is what hurts so bad today.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Right now I'd much rather be...

So my boss left me with this much work to do while she was gone. Have gotten to almost none of it (compared to how much of it I NEED to get done).

And this is how I feel after two days of working on computers that aren't upgraded like they should be because my boss is cheap.

And this is what I'd much rather be doing on a Friday night rather than being stuck here at the office with a stupid PC that isn't worth crap. Yeah.

Stupid quiz...

O.k. the Bible quiz is really bugging me. Scott said his pegged him in five questions. Mine didn't. Or did it? It's just a quiz right? How can they know me? Right? Pushy? And I'm merciful aren't I? It's supposed to be on of my gifts... holy cow. I should have never taken that thing. I even went back and took it three more times and STILL got the same results. UG. It's really disturbing. Why? Why is it bothering me?????


Oy. I think I may delete it it's bugging me so bad cause every time I look at it it makes me think I'm doing something wrong... not that I don't have things to work on... cause I do... AND I'M AWARE THAT I DO. But sheesh.

O.k. this is stupid. It's just a stupid quiz, right?

Rip it... rip it good

O.k. I'm riping from Discom. I'm shameless.

Songs that make me go "hmmmmm":

"Timeline" - Kerry Livegrin (sp?): reminds me of driving in the Suberban with my fam. Good times.

Anything by New Kids on the Block - yeah props to Discom for bringing that one up. Used to JAM OUT to those guys. My friend Jennifer had a poster of Joey on her wall. She would kiss him goodnight every night before bed... I however DID NOT. I thought Joey was a dork... I was all about Jordon!

Kansas, Boston, Rush: yeah, Dad used to play this stuff before school every morning. Wait, what am I talking about? He PLAYS IT ALL THE TIME!!! So it reminds me of home. Boston's "More Than A Feeling" evokes just that - all sorts of emotions. Rush's "Tom Sawyer" and the like send me back to days of youth!

"I Want to Know What Love Is" - Foreigner: Ha! EVERY time I hear this song I think of riding in the car with Dad's Boy Scout troup from church in Amarillo and Bryan Gilbert and the whole lot going into this daze... "I wanna know what love is... I want you to show me..." I always wondered what girl they happened to be thinking of at the time... I always hoped Bryan would have been dreaming of me!! But alas... no! Ha!

Phil Collins: there's this one song, can't remember the name of it right now, but when it plays I can SMELL Amaraillo. It's SO weird. I remember distinctly one night it playing when Dad closed the True Value store down and Mom waiting in the red truck. And I can hear the airplanes. (Airplanes seem to be a constant in my life... why is this? It seems we have always lived near an airport...)

"My Maria" - Diamond Rio: Every time I hear this song I think of my very dear friend Lara and the times we spent in high school getting Dr. Peppers at Sonic and two-stepping at her house. Her dad would play the drums to our CD of choice (we ALWAYS started of with Maria from Diamond Rio) and we would two-step for HOURS on end. I used to be pretty good... but haven't done any of that in A WHILE. Those were good times!!! She is a blessing, a very dear friend.

There's a WHOLE bunch of songs by All 4 One and Boys II Men and old skool Mariah Carey that TAKE ME BACK to middle school and early high school... days with Roshawna and Tocarro!!! Good times. Mostly ones that I'm not going to mention here. :) But good stuff... :)

"Smells Like Teen Spirit" - Nirvana: Reminds me of a group of friends I hung around with for awhile in Bryan. Interesting. I like Nirvana.

"Count Your Many Blessings" & "Trust and Obey": old hymns that remind me of my mom, she used to sing them to us when we were kids and couldn't sleep. Or even when we could sleep! She has a great alto voice. Mmmmmm. Warm fuzzies just thinking about it.

"Let's all kiss like the fishies kiss": o.k. it's an old song my dad and I sang. We sang it in bible class and you have to make a fish face when you sing it. It's fun! :) Trust me on this one. ;)

Entering the 7th Circle of Hell

There are several things that fall into this category. Buying jeans is one of them. Swimsuits is another. The mingling on Wednesday nights at church is among them as well. Being on the phone with Microsoft's tech support for 4 1/2 hours with Penjab or Muhammed (no joke, I'm dead serious) is another.

It all started on Wednesday afternoon when I routinely downloaded Norton Antivirus 2006 onto one of the MOST important computers in the office. It's the most important computer because it holds the program that contains ALL of the vendors that have EVER exhibited in our shows. When they did the shows, their addresses, specifics on all sorts of stuff. MUCHO importante. Well, this being the most important PC in the office has an operating system of Windows 95. YEAH. How pathetic is that?!?! I've been telling NH for quite some time now that we need to upgrade big time. Because of crap like this. Cause here's what happened... and maybe it's cause of the Norton and maybe not... but we've had MAJOR problems ever since. And I still can't find Norton and we (the company that is) spent $100 bucks on it.

Downloaded Norton (cause the previous subscription was up) and when it was finished it tells me some crap about how you have to have Windows 2000 or higher to install. Perfect. Just great. So I run to Office Depot and get Windows XP. I've talked to NH about it before... don't have too much of a choice now so I'm going to buy it and install now. No questions. When she gets back from Hawaii, she'll have to deal. Anyway, so I install the stupid program and ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. And you think I'm kidding. I mean, boy howdy. How hard is it to install a program? It's not. It really isn't... but for some reason... XP skits out and didn't install properly. Well Beef comes up to the office and trys to help out a bit. Well 5:30 rolls around and I've got to be up at the church to give blood (we had a blood drive) so I leave. Surely Thursday morning I'll be able to start with a fresh outlook.

Nope. Thursday morning wake up feeling like I'm going to HURL (cause I didn't eat enough the night before... gave blood felt woozy and then didn't eat enough for supper and woke up REALLY feeling it... UG). So I get to work and here ensues the chaos. I HATE MICROSOFT. DOWN WITH BILL GATES! Dirty Jew (that was for you Beef). So anyway spend two hours in the morning with a lady who can't speak English and told me (no kidding on this one) to restart the computer (no joke, I'm serious) 8 times to help the problem. YEAH, THAT'LL WORK SISTER. Two and a half hours in the afternoon with a man named Muhammed who couldn't speak English. Spent the whole day in TK's office trying to solve the problem. Intermidately called the infamous Beef, HE WAS A HUGE help. Don't know what I would have done at times.

At the end of the day, Sharon told me she didn't know how I still had any sanity left or how I hadn't hauled off and told all the Microsoft people off cause if it'd been her she said she would have. Problems still not solved.

This morning wasn't much better. Had to take ANOTHER office computer into CompUSA for some diagnostics. The power supply is blown and with the video out-put. Great. Just great.

Waiting for Beef to show up now. I had the idea of completely wiping the hard drive (on TK's PC) and starting over. Beef said to get the boot disk from the internet (since the version I bought of XP is only the upgrade... good gravy, could this get any more complicated????? wait, let's not ask). Took 6 disks. We'll see how that goes when he gets here.


Except that right now one is doing very well at helping me blog some stress away. Maybe hate is a strong word. But after the mental breakdown eariler what with the tears and all... oy. Sharon came in and gave me a hug. Hugs are good. Especially when you're stressed out about loosing your job over a machine and you're trying to solve a problem you can't figure out for the LIFE of you. MAJOR frustrations. HA! Sharon also came in and laid hands on the computer and prayed... so maybe when Beef gets here it will work! PLEASE LORD! That would be nice.

And I found out this weekend is going to be MUCH more stressful than planned.

AND I found out that more people know about my blog than planned thereby inhibiting my freedom to write exactly how I really feel about this whole computer situation at this moment.

Dang it all to hades.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

They paved paradise and I got a piece of it anyway...

Yesterday I was driving along 635, trying to get to get to a volleyball game. Called my bro, the GreatBeef, received some terrible news regarding our middle brother. Got off the phone with Beef, had some Mercy Me playing (Here With Me) and was longing to be elsewhere - anywhere but 635 on the way to a volleyball game where I would more than likely be one of the line judges as has been the case at every game except the first one (and, gasp! guess what? I was!). I longed to be somewhere I could experiance God's beauty... not amidst the concrete, skyscraper, horn-honking, finger-flipping population I was presently surrounded by. Mountains, beaches... anywhere. Just me and God.

And here come the tears.

I'm way too tired. Way too upset about my brother.

And here the song is playing about God's presense and you're never alone... and I know this. I find comfort. But I'm still on 635. So I'm kinda doin' my own worship thing in the car, as I often do... but I still wish I could just be somewhere else...

Not five minutes later... I look over to my left... and I see this huge ocean wave crashing onto a huge black rock! Torrents of rain coming down! Clouds bursting open with water pouring from the sky! I was breathless. Literally breathless. What in the world? For about 10 seconds I wasn't on 635 anymore. I couldn't tell you where I was... but I wasn't on 635!

For a second or two I thought I was going crazy. Then I saw the Xterra. Oh. How funny! It was a semi-truck that pulled up beside me with a HUGE billboard sized advertisement on the side of it that had a picture of an Xterra driving along an oceanside cliff in the rain.

I have NEVER seen one of those trucks before with one of those advertisements on them.

TELL me that truck didn't drive up beside me JUST FOR ME.

Cause I think it did.

God is good.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Beef, Discom & Ram take over the world!!! (ok, just Las Colinas)

Friday night I did something I've said I would NEVER in my life do. I had a rendevous with someone I met on the internet. But this was a little different being that I didn't go by myself, the GreatBeef came along and I wasn't meeting just anyone. I was meeting up with Discom who happens to know my uncle. If she didn't know my uncle, pretty sure there wouldn't have been a rendevous.

The Beef and I were supposed to meet up with Discom at Friday's in Grapevine. It occurred to me that she knew what I looked like but we had not clue what she looked like. This was going to be interesting. We walked in the door and I quickly scanned the seating area to see if there were any girls standing by themselves. Fresh out of luck. The host approached.

"Are you meeting a lady here?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Right this way."

Good. Saved face on that one. We followed him around the corner and he stopped. There before us were two tables. Each had a single girl at them. He held his hand out, as to tell us to be seated (as if I was supposed to know which table to go to? ha!) and looked at us. Neither of the girls were looking up. I was not about to tell this guy that I didn't know what she looked like. I stood there. What the heck was I supposed to do. Don't quite remember what happened between then and the time we sat down, but I think Discom FINALLY looked up (cause it felt like an eternity! :) and we sat down. You know, I thought it would have been kind of awkward but not at all. We all sat around and shot the bull and had ourselves a time. It was good stuff.

We got ready to leave. The initial plan was to see a movie but in the parking lot taking pictures (to prove to our little blogosphere here that we actually DID meet) we decided to head over to Williams Square in Las Colinas (I think I'm obsessed with that place, I have always loved it ever since I was a kid... not sure why) and wreck some havoc.

So off to Las Colinas (just a hop and a skip away from our present location). Apparently, Williams Square is THE place to make out on a Friday night. Never would have guessed. So here we are, the three of us (an unseemly bunch) amidst all these couples swapping spit. So to stir things up a little we decided to wade. There weren't too many people making out by the time we left. HA! So here we are, enjoying the filthy (let's please not think about what type of terrible amoebas live in that stuff) water when we see two men in suites approaching.

"You guys are going to have to get out of there."
"Well, o.k."
"There's security cameras all around here. We can see what's going on."
"We'll we're not hurting anything." - Discom was trying to work her magic and it did bring a smile to the man's face.
"Oh I know. But this water isn't treated. And if we see you back in here again, we're going to have to ask you to leave."
"O.k. Thanks."

We would have liked to mention that we never did see a sign that said "No Wading in the Fountain" but we didn't. Oh well. We sure did have them worked up. I bet that was more excitement than they get in a month.

So we decided to head over to the canal and walk down that way for a bit. We discovered a live blues band (very cool) and took some more crazy pics (Beef's takes the cake I think).

All in all we had a great evening. Much better than sitting at home doing nothing.

Now we just have to decide what part of DFW to terrorize next...

Terrible 2's?

I teach the 2 year old class on Sunday nights with a another girl from the singles class. Intitially, I felt this was going to be a beast of burden but as of late I have looked forward to Sunday evenings and here's why:

It's the simple lessons that I have been in dire need of lately. Here's a few we've been learning the past few weeks:

God made everything.
God keeps his promises.
God keeps us safe.

Wow. So simple. And yet what truth! I love sitting with R, J, T, K and D and the others working puzzles with them... I love watching them learn how to interact with one another. I love their creativity when playing with Play-Dough. I just love my 2's!

It occured to me that this is the MOST blessed bunch of kids I've ever worked with. Never have I worked with such affluent children before in my life and this is a new experiance.

What I intitally thought to be such a terrible burden is turning out to be such a wonderful blessing. I think I am learning more than they are...

Saturday, October 15, 2005


I just read Claraslvr's post on Elizabeth Elliot and after this morning's visit with my friend and after several months of trying to figure out what to do with the leadership situation with the singles in my church I have a plan of action and am ready and prepared to be Esther! But that is not the purpose of this post (but it did make me think about it).

C talked about how Elliot went with her husband (you guys really should read her post, she's linked from here) to do mission work with "savages" and he was killed by the very people who she eventually helped convert and how hard that must have been and so on. Her post has evoked a wellspring of thoughts. So here we go, if you're up for the ride...

I got to thinking. It must have been the summer before my freshman year or the summer before my eighth grade year but the youth group at church was making it's annual trip to the Houston Impact Church in downtown Houston, TX. I hadn't been before and was SO excited to go. I was going to go for the weekend and then go straight from there to spend the rest of the summer working at Camp of the Hills (a Christian inner-city youth camp). I remember kids parents making the BIGGEST deal out of the trip saying things like: "What if something were to happen to the kids downtown? What if one of them didn't come home?"

Now, before I finish this post, those of you reading need to understand that I don't take life lightly. I don't. I'm not making light of the fact that a parent was worried about the loss of a child. J's parent's lost Jarred my freshman year of college. Second day of classes. I remember. THAT WAS TERRIBLE. He was the same age as my middle brother Trav, a junior in high school at the time. On his way to school, feel asleep at the wheel. It's awful, so please understand that I'm not making light of that, please understand.

But here's the deal (and read Clara's post to maybe see more of where I'm coming from): where is our security? Whose are we? As Christians, what do we have to fear in death?

I was talking to a dear friend of mine the other day and we got to talking about mission work. I was expressing my feelings about it and she made it evident that it is not for her. "You go ahead!" she said. And I hear that. I understand that out of states missions isn't for some people. I hear that. You can stay in the states and minister to people here. Good for you... that's awesome. There's people here that need it too!

Gosh. I just... there's so many people that need the Word! (I'm on a tangent now... look out) Are we going to be so selfish that we're going to let Satan use our fears and whatnot to discourage us from telling people about the greatest thing that's ever happened to us?!? Do some of us even realize it's him that's doing it? GA!

There are so many things, so many things bigger than we are and some of us are going to get caught up in our petty crap.

And if there's anything I've been convicted of in the past two years it's this: when God looks at the people of South America, Asia, Guam, Thailand, Zambia, Czech Republic, Canada, and the U.S. and everyone around the world, you know what He sees? SIN. And it's the same sin everywhere. Your sin and my sin and the sin of an Asian man or an African man are all the same and equal... we'd all be separated from God if it weren't for the atoning blood of Christ Jesus and God's grace and mercy which He so RICHLY showers upon us day by day.

And how great is it that He has commissioned us, His followers to tell others about it? How amazing a responsibility?

Wow. Kinda went off there. It's just that it fires me up. A few months ago the group from Guatemala came back (had I known they were going, I would have been with them) and did a presentation on their trip. LET ME JUST TELL YOU THAT IF THEY'D ASKED FOR SOMEONE TO GO THAT NIGHT TO HELP THEM I WOULD HAVE RUN TO THE FRONT. I know it's not easy work. But it's so awesome... and it's not just about something temporary (like planning for a bridal show that happens six times a year) it's about something eternal. The scope and magnitude of that is incredible. You're impacting people for an eternity.

21 Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. 22 But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— 23 if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant.

~Colossians 1


Discom, like how I typed in caps just for you? ;) I do what I can.

Hear ye, hear ye! (We're doing this town meetin' style, accent and all.) I call this here meetin' to order *BANG BANG* (that was the gavel) now.

So, here's the deal pickle. As most of y'all have probably noticed, Discom has not been posting on her blog recently. Well, she has a legitimate reason. Her ex found it. So, she wants us to help her come up with a new name for her new blogspot. If y'all reply with yer ideas in the comment section of this particular post it would be greatly appreciated. She will decide what her new name is (based on our responses) and let me or (us?) know as soon as it is up.

This would be a great time (Scott, Beef, Demo, Writer) for vengence or other such unmerciful types of behavior when giving blog name ideas. :)

Love ya lots Discom!

Comprende? Everyone understand the rules of engagement? Good. Cause I'm not 'splainin' it again.

This here meetins' ajerned (say it like yer Texan)
(there went the gavel again)

They might as well be Newly Weds

I met a friend who hasn't been at church for about 5 months this morning. Been worried sick about her but she wouldn't return anyone's calls and Kendall and I couldn't figure out what the deal was. Anyway, finally caught up with her and we got to visit. She's gonna be alright. Praise God!

We were meeting for brunch (I feel silly even writing that word). I arrived before she did and was enjoying my time people watching. There was an older couple there in the lobby. They were fabulous. In fact, they were so cute I wanted to go tell them thanks just for being such great examples to the rest of us.

The looked young just because of their love for each other. Wow. It was amazing. At one point they were standing up, facing each other and she put her hands around the back of his arms. It was the way she did it. So loving. And he just smiled. He was so proud of her. She just beamed. They eventually sat down and she put his arm through his. I know a lot of people think old people being physical is gross... and it's not like I want to dwell on it or anything but there's something sweet about it, it's rich. I mean it's good when you've been with someone for a few months or a few years right, but can you imagine after being with someone for 40 years? How well you know that person and all the stuff you've been though... the love that you have for one another... gosh. It makes my heart swell.

So anyway, sorry tangent. Back to the couple... there were several younger couples (wow, was I the odd ball in the room! ha!) that had young children, all younger than 5 years old running around. It was cute. And this older couple had the biggest time watching these kids. They were living it up! I had more fun watching them than I did the kids.

My grandparents are that way. They still flirt and carry on - but they're not gross about it. Memaw wouldn't have it, Lord knows! But my Pepaw says stuff... and he can get this smile that no one else can get out of Memaw... wow. It's so cool.

I hope to have that. If I can't have that, I don't want it at all.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Excuse me, but have you seen the White Rabbit?

I feel like I've been hit over the head with a sledge hammer. My boss is leaving for two weeks to go to Hawaii. *insert barfing noise* I only have about two gillion things to do. About four lists each with their own myriad of bullets to be done while NH is out of the office. Before the big khahuna left today, she came in my office and (yes, I do call it my office now that Lori is gone... I miss her, we had some good times in here) with her hands on my shoulders says to me:

"I really appreciate the fact that I can leave and know that things will be taken care of by you. I don't even need to be here! I guess this means I don't have to come back ever again!"

Does this mean I can have your paycheck Naomi? This is how I would interpret the situation...

I didn't sleep last night at all. I think I woke up about every hour. My Sydney slept with me. I had banned her from sleeping with me for awhile because she was shoving me out of bed. We were battling each other at night. I wasn't getting any rest and neither was she. But I've been letting her sleep with me periodically lately. Last night I should have put her up. But I didn't and here's why:

I'm going to have to give my Sydney up. *deep sigh* Yeah. The GreatBeef and I are moving into an apartment together (the house thing is just not going to work out) and none of the ones I've looked at will accept a dog with pitbull or bull terrier mix in them. How irritating. I know it's for the best. This isn't the first time I've thought about it either. It's just hard. I got her the day after I filed papers. We needed each other and if I give her up now I'll feel like I used her and left her. How terrible is that?!

Ug. Last night I was doing the dishes (I swear, does my roommate think the dishwasher is broken or something??????) and Sydney was hanging around. I kept thinking to myself, "This is not your dog anymore L. It isn't. She is someone else's now. You are merely keeping her for the time being until they come to get her. She is not your dog."

I know it's dumb. But it's like a mantra: She is not your dog anymore. I've got to get used to the idea or I'll cry a river (probably will anyway) when the day comes to take her to a new home.

Oy. New home.

Anyway, it will be for the better. Dad is researching pitbull rescue associations since most places won't accept pitbulls. We'll see if he has any luck.

It's pathetic that I cried over this yesterday. Cuddles died and now I have to give up Sydney. Dad said he has a small dog (really small) that looks alot like a german shepard, really cute that I could have if if would make me feel better, just to have the company. But I don't know. I'm not sure that would solve any problems. However, Beef would be home more than me. Maybe... oh good grief! What's my problem!?!?!?

You know, it's not that Sydney is a problem. She's just WAY to big. She eats too much and is WAY to big. A small dog would be o.k.

WHAT AM I DOING? Mercy me. I am such a sucker. Just like my Dad.

And I have to find a new apartment and move and get couches (cause I have none) and get a new job (cause I found out I can't get the raise I need here) and I need to re-vamp my resume (so I can actually get a new job) and I need to make a budget (me and numbers are like Alice in Wonderland - all screwed up) and I NEED SOME MIGRAINE MEDS NOW!!!!

In fact, I'm going to take my 15 minute break at 3 pm and run to Target and get the Amerge. Yeah. I NEED to do that cause we got paid today and I actually have the money for it now. PRAISE GOD. Then maybe I can get my lists organized and prioritize things.

Wow. I have a lot going on.

Thursday, October 13, 2005


Mark is:

* a servant
* in the Word
* passionate about spreading the gospel
* a good friend (because he actually reciprocates friendship)
* a giver and a taker
* respectful
* encouraging
* a good listener
* shockingly observant :)
* admired, respected, looked to and loved by many people (I keep discovering this)
* a goober ;)
* SO handsome (he has beautiful eyes... they're honest)
* thoughtful
* FUN!
* great with kids
* a planner
* a great people person
* a man of God
* a man of prayer
* a man of faith
* super forgetful when he's tired :) (had to throw that one in there cause I know he'll read this)
* did I mention he's just all around, wonderful? a great guy!
* oh, and he's a hottie
* he's super smart
* confident

And the list goes on...

So there's gonna be a whole slew of guys with stage II MEW disease (otherwise known in layman's terms as Mark Envy). Oh yes my friends. Besides the fact that Mark is THE man (oh yes he is) his girlfriend is the gorgeous hottie (can I get a amen?) that ALL the boys want and they will now all be inflicted with MEW disease, Mark Envy. Yes girl.

Somebody call 911!

Young Life

I went to a Young Life club meeting on Monday night. Met up with the leaders there (Mark being one of them). Never been to Young Life before. Not quite sure what to expect. I had friends in high school who did Young Life but didn't ever go to any of their activities myself. Been to their website... talked to people about it, done that kind of research but hadn't experianced it yet.

So I got there early and met the other leaders. They were all super nice and made me feel really welcomed which I was REALLY grateful for. We all circled up and Dave (the head honcho of this outfit) gave everyone inteneraries for the evening and discussed the events and whatnot. He even gave me an assignment! Before we prayed, Mark read a scripture and had a few words of encouragement. And let me just say that Mark is awesome. He is a man of the Word.

The kids came in and we sang some fun secular songs, the guys did some skits, the kids played some games and Ed got the kids simmered down by playing a christian song. Dave did a devotional thought and it was GREAT. He talked about how he sees there's three ways to see Jesus and everyone in that room sees Jesus in one of those three ways...

It was amusing to see Mark and the guys all decked out - ghetto fabulous - for the skit they did. They were hilarious! The kids loved it!

It dawned on me that Young Life really isn't about kids who already go to church. Young Life is about drawing the kids in who would never darken the doorway of a church. It's about planting the seed. That seed may take root today or next week or a year or 10 years from now. But the point is: it's about planting it.

I enjoyed being there with those high schoolers. It was a good time, you know. They weren't out getting into trouble anywhere and they heard a good message. I'm all about that. It's funny, cause they look so young to me now. Did we look that young in high school? I'm sure we did. I think I may start helping out on Mondays. I miss working with kids. That has been evident for awhile. Volleyball will be over next week and I'll be missing those rascals. This will be a great way to get involved with more kids who need Jesus.

We'll see.

So those of you who don't know much about YL should check it out: It's a pretty cool ministry.

Can I Get a "What What'"

Last night I spent the evening with the "Cool Folks" as deemed in an earlier post. The crew of coolness consisted of Mark's parents (yeah, I totally wrote his name out cause we're OFFICIAL and he's my boyfriend now... wow, I'm SO middle school right now but I'm cool with that), Mark, Ed (Mark's hysterical friend), and me. Mrs. Williams and I cleaned up the dishes left over from supper and talked for awhile. Ed and Mr. Williams watched the previous weeks Rowlett football game.

When the dishwasher was loaded and the game was over we all sat around the living room and shot the bull. But don't you think Mr. Williams didn't forget to make a pot of coffee and don't you think he didn't offer me a cup! He gave it to me in a "Texas A&M DAD" mug. "Can you drink out of an A&M mug?" he asked me. "Sure I can. My Dad's an Aggie!"

It wasn't too long before Dave, a guy who helps head up Young Life in the area, came to the house and Mark, Dave and Ed went in the back yard to have a meeting.

So, the Williams and I talked for awhile. Mr. Williams and I talked about guns. Yeah. I'm a lunatic. What girl sits around with the guy she's dating Dad (can't say boyfriend yet... this was the pre-boyfriend talk! HA!) and talks about guns?!? He has a militia at his house. I wanted to ask to see but was afriad that he might really think I was crazy.

Oh. Funny story. After the first time I met the Williams, I guess Mark asked his Dad what he thought about me and his Dad said I was, and I quote, "Salty." Yeah. Salty. Mark says this is a good thing (coming from his dad). Interpretation of the word salty: I can hold my own. At least I think that's what I understand it to mean... it cracks me up. I'm going to make a t-shirt that says "Salty" on it. Anyway.

We talked about my job and what or where it is I think I'm doing or where I'm going. Mr. Williams was a real encouragement. "You just shoot for the moon and know that you can do anything and that you're the best at it and that's not being boastful, it's just what you have to do to get there." Much like what my Dad has always said... just a little different verbage.

I really, really, really enjoy their company.

Poor Mrs. Williams was so tired and her allergies were killing her. She had been up early and didn't get good rest the night before. I think we were all a little beat. I really enjoyed getting to hear their stories about them trying to make some extra money by sewing restuarant uniforms when they were newlyweds. They even shared some about taking care of Mr. William's parents this past year.

Well, the guys concluded their meeting and Dave left. The original cool crew sat around and talked for a little longer and then Ed, Mark and I headed over to the other house to enjoy one another's company a little longer. :)

It was a great evening. Super fabulous. I just feel at home over there as I'm sure most people who go to their house do. It's just a great place to be.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Customer Service my left foot...

Just got off the phone with a photographer in our bridal shows. He's a jerk. He asked Em to pose nude for a shoot one time. Idiot.

So I'm in charge of sending the vendors the brides leads we get from the shows to them. So I called to verify he recieved his list. Ug. I'm friendly. I'm nice. And he asks me why we changed the format of the list from Access to Excel. Well, that's what most people wanted, so that's why. Well, he just can't seem to deal with that so he asks why can't I get it to him any other way?

Sure. Why not? It's my job to cater to them. Do what they wish.

So I tell him I'll get it to him in the format he requested.

This involves: calling Glenda to get the other format, more than likely driving to Plano (IN MY FREAKIN' GAS GUZZLIN' JEEP) to get the disk (since more than likely she won't or CAN'T email it (yeah, don't ask why, PLEASE don't ask why, I deal with the technically inept ALL DAY LONG), then I'll get back to the office and spend 30 minutes getting the stupid thing to him all so this idiot can have his way and all in the name of customer service.


You think my boss will notice? Or say thank you? Or give me any kind of credit?!?!?!

NO! I don't think so!
And it's not the fact that I want any credit it's the principle of the matter. That I work hard and I get NOTHING in return. AND TODAY IT PISSES ME OFF.

Dadfreakin'gumit. And on top of this, the migraine that has be sitting on the edge of my left temple for about three days now has hit. Yeah. And I have no Amerge to take of it.

How's that for complaining?

And I'm not even going to apologize.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Surrendering to the Surrender

I've always said I'm not a morning person. This doesn't mean I'm grumpy in the mornings, as some people are. I just don't typically enjoy getting up at the crack of dawn. But then again, once I'm up, I'm up and it is nice to be up when no one else is and have some time to yourself. This being said, I decided when setting my alarm last night to set it about 45 minutes earlier than usual (and told myself I was actually going to get up when it went off). So this morning when the alarm went off, I pressed the snooze button (which I used to NEVER do, I HATED it when Bekah pressed the snooze button in college) about three times and finally decided that I needed to drag myself out of bed and get in the shower.

I usually try to spend my prayer time in the morning and my time in the Word at night. However, I don't always get home at the same time. Uh yeah. I NEVER get home at the same time and when I do I'm usually totally exhausted and I need to get to bed pronto so I either cut it short or put it off. So I was thinking last night that I should read first thing in the morning. This will help in two areas of my life.

One, I will get my time in the Word first thing and it will start my day off on the right foot. Best foot forward.

Two, I will be getting to work earlier. This will mean a little more money (which will help alot right now) and because I will have started my day off right with the Lord I will have a better attitude on my way in the door Insanity (otherwise known as BSI) and will be better equipt to do my job and do it with a good attitude.

And speaking of God and jobs and the like... I need to get this off my chest as well.

Oh, but first. My time reading this morning was so enriching I can't hardly believe it. I mean I can, because it was. But GOD IS SO GOOD and it never ceases to amaze me. It really never does. It amazes me how the Spirit guides me to certain scriptures and leads me to exactly the places I need to be in the word. Like in Titus this morning... WOW. Yeah... EXACTLY what I needed. I would ask how He knows I needed it but that would be the DUMBEST question ever. He made me! And I'll come back to this rabbit trail in a minute... I'm in a rabbit trail sort of mood this morning...

*hop * hop*

I have HATED telling people where I work and what I do for months now because it makes me feel stupid. I have a degree right? I'm a smart person, right? I am capable of doing something significant, right? What am I doing here at this place doing menial crap for her, right? So, here's what I have decided as of this morning. I, as Hezekiah did the letter sent by Sennacherib in Isaiah 37:14 (have always loved this story) am laying myself before the LORD and asking him to give ear. I am giving myself to him. "Here I am, [take] me!" (Isaiah 6:8) I'm not going to be ashamed. I am no longer going to let Satan have that foothold, telling me that I'm stupid and I'm worthless because of my occupation at this point in time. I'm going to let God work. I'm going to be open and willing, not that I haven't been thus far, but I HAVE been guilty of wanting it to be my way in my time. And I need to confess that. I need to confess that.

So I'm laying myself down. Here I am... here I am, LORD.


Wow. God is moving and working and it's awesome. He is just SO AWESOME!!!!! And it's exciting. I know he'll use me where I am. He is using me. And He'll let me know what to do, where I'm supposed to be. He'll let me know. In His time.

And while I was driving to work I got to thinking about the seraphs in Isaiah who call to Him, "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory." And isn't it though? I was standing in a small field last night, the charcoal colored sky, the wind gentle rustling the tall green grass... it was amazing. I just stood there and let God be. Just stood there soaking it in. Just me and God. And I know He was there cause He's in everything.

8Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under his wings. Day and night they never stop saying: "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come." Rev. 4

I long for your embrace
Every single day
To meet you in this place
And see you face to face

Will you show me?
Reveal yourself to me
Because of your mercy
I fall down on my knees

And I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

You're everywhere I go
I am not alone
You call me as your own
To know you and be known

You are holy
And I fall down on my knees

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

I surrender to your grace
I surrender to the one who took my place

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love
~ Mercy Me

3His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
5For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
2 Peter 1

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Sorry guys!

I think there is a difference in knowing truth and seeing truth. Knowledge and discernment. Knowing is something you come to do and discerning is a gift in most cases.

Been thinking alot about this lately.

May have to follow up on this later because now that I sit to write it I find that ther are to many other things clouding my mind to wade through them to find my purpose. And this stupid migraine medicine isn't helping any either. I hate it. It makes my mind muddy (which explains why I haven't blogged all week).

Wait. Just give me a minute. I'm finding clarity. It just takes a second...

Speaking of truth... this is a tangent... nothing to do with the above but I have been reading 1984 by George Orwell. Actually, this DOES have to do with the above. O.k. (Clarity is coming. Bare with.) I just started it for the second time. I have a love/hate relationship with this book because it is so great but the end is such a tragedy! It is the first book I have ever finished and at the reading of the last words wanted to destroy. And I mean I wanted to watch the pages be discentigraded in some form or fashion... it stirred that much emotion. What an amazing writer. But it's not just Orwell's writing but the subject on which he was writing on. It stirrs my soul and I rememer that no one else in school (when we read it) cared. Could they not see what was right in front of their faces?!?!?! Oh humanity!

I came across this quote when reading (while waiting in the jury pool room):

"Curiously, the chiming of the hour seemed to have put new heart into him. He was a lonely ghost uttering truth that nobody would ever hear. But so long as he uttered it, in some obsure way the continuity was not broken. It was not by making yourself heard buy by staying sane that you carried on the human heritage. He went back to the table, dipped his pen, and wrote:"

This quote jumped off the page at mean, screamed at me. It screamed a hundred things to me. Thoughts of Scott's post on propheys and conversations my brother and I have on a daily basis and how I feel regularly and feelings of hopelessness and hope and the feelings of the struggles at church right now and my friends Emily and Roshawna and... wow alot of stuff.

And I just realized that this makes no sense at all. This week has been crazy. My boss has not only asked me to continue to do my job but also do the job of a sales rep and not only that but this money situation is about to drive me out of my mind. And then there's PC. And K and G and L. And A asked me why I'm still there, why I don't just go to another church. Because I made a commitment. That's why. She and N are leaving once they're married because of stuff. There's problems with any church, but it's one thing to have problems and try to fix them and another to be content with your sorry attitudes. Mercy... I shouldn't have said that.

So this is a post to make up of the rest of the week I guess. Makes no sense. Just empyting my head this morning. I've had a great morning! I had a GREAT night's sleep and am ready to have a day for myself which I haven't done in a long time.

New Blog Pic

So, I have a new blog pic. I know its not in focus. It's not supposed to be... but I know someone's going to make a comment so I'm going to explain now so as not to have to explain later.

It's etherial. It's in motion. It's how I feel right now - non-stop. But I'm smiling because it's all good. Because I know who's in control and I have peace with that amidst the craziness.

It's black and white because black and white captures emotion and motion better than color. Color tends to distract.

So there you have it.

Mercy Me

Word Of God Speak
by Mercy Me

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


So initially I was going to blog about how crappy money is. And it is. I hate it. It's a terrible necessity. I have bills running out my ears. I have to start paying off my student loans in November and don't make enough to start doing that. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have no clue. I have only been eating once a day and I need to buy dog food but I can't until the end of the week. I put off buying my migraine meds for a week and THAT was a terrible mistake but I couldn't do anything else cause I had to pay rent. God is going to have to take care of it.

I don't have to have alot of anything. I just want the security of knowing things will be taken care of. I don't want Gucci or Prada. In fact, that crap makes me ill. Why spend a million bucks on crap like that... but I don't want to have to stress about where the money for bills is going to come from.

Maybe I should strip on the weekends... just kidding. Really guys, I'm just kidding! Trying to lighten the mood here. Anyway...

I was going to ask my boss for a raise yesterday and my friend I have been so recently reconciled to told me to wait a day, wait until after I interviewed with the school today. So I did. I just sat down to my computer at work (which my boss has given me twice as much to do, not only my job but the job of the sales rep as well because the one we had is leaving and I'm not getting paid any extra for doing her work) and there was an email from my boss entitled "Gas Raise." ???

So I open the email. And I got a raise.

I got a raise.

Holy cow... I GOT A RAISE. Not a huge one... not anything to go crazy about, but just enough. Just exactly what I needed. I went and hugged my boss.



All I have to say is this:

Psalm 68
19 Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005


Today an amazing thing happened. I was reconciled to an old friend. I've written about her before out of hurt and frustration. But today at the office it was all absolved.

We were standing in her office talking about my current job prospect and she looked at me and said:
"You know L, I've been thinking alot about you lately and praying for you. I know I shouldn't do this here at the office, but I don't see you any other time. I got to thinking the other day that if you get this job, which I think would be great, it's exactly what you would be great at, but I got to thinking that I might not ever see you again. And I know that we haven't talked about alot of stuff. I know I don't know every detail of your life, I know I don't know exactly what happened with J, but I want you to know that I love you very much and that I when I told you those things earlier that I just wanted to let you know what was on my heart. I know it came across as being judgmental but I never meant it to be that way. I want you to know that I have put it in God's hands. It's in His hands L and I want you to know that. We have so many wonderful memories together and I just love you and want you to know that. I want you to know that if you get this job and I don't see you again here, I'll see you in Heaven." She stood up and we embraced.

At this point she and I were both in tears. Only a few of you reading this know waht all of this means and that's o.k. I felt like 1,000 pounds was lifted from my shoulders. My good friend, my good friend and I were reconciled. God be praised!

She continued:
"And I want you to know that I'm proud of you because you're not mad at God or mad at the world and I would not have been able to handle the situation as well. I'm really proud of you."

I just wanted to share this with y'all because it is such a blessing. SUCH a blessing!!!! Wow. And I needed this today more than anything. More than anything...


My Dad called me yesterday and told me that our family dog of 15 or 16 years died of a rattle snake bite. Stupid snake.

I loved that dog. If I had a picture of her I post it, but I don't have one with me. I taught her to place fetch. I'd come home from school and stand outside for hours and show her how to fetch. We've had her since I was in the third or fourth grade.

Dang. She was a good dog.

I know it's just a dog, but she was part of the family.

My Dad has a blog now, you should read it. It's linked from here: AggieVet. He wrote some about Cuddles as well.

I just don't have much more to say about it right now. I just miss the ol girl. She was a good dog. What a dog should be: loyal and true.

I wish I could have been there yesterday when she went... to hold her. To give her a hug.

If only people were as good as she was. That's sad to say, isn't it?