Crepe Paper Walls

I was thinking this morning on my commute to work that I am one who puts up walls. They're not the brick kind though and they only surface when I feel I've been betrayed or hurt in some way or another. They are not there 24/7.

I was speaking to a friend I've known since middle school this morning. She didn't come to the wedding. She gave me grief because she wasn't in the last one. I asked her (because I wanted her to be, not out of obligation) to be in this one. She calls me about two weeks before the big day and says she's not going to be able to make it. On top of that she had to say, "I've known for about two weeks, I just didn't want to tell you cause I figured you'd be mad."

Gee? You think I might be upset because you can't make it??? I wanted you to be there to share in something I'm excited about... to be excited with me!

I have another "friend" (oh, how loosely I use the term) who was also supposed to be a bridesmaid and she never called. I hadn't heard from her by Friday and of course, she didn't miraculously appear (as I'd so hoped) on Saturday. She still hasn't called. She lives with a guy who beats her and I was worred something terrible happened. I mean, I was worried I wouldn't ever be getting another call from her. I called the Houston police department, they were of no help. I had been leaving (and continue to leave) countless messages on her home and cell phones. I reached her mom the other day (luckily, I have her number) and she said that my friend was fine. She's not dead anyway. Her mom was suprised she hadn't called me to let me know she wasn't coming.

So, I had my four fabulous friends, two of who I can't even believe I'm so blessed to have them in my life... and Mark had his 6. It looked a little lopsided. Guess it's good I'm not a perfectionist (cause the pictures are going to look interesting I'm sure.)

Back to the wall discussion. I didn't think I was one who puts up walls. Like I stated previously, I don't put up brick walls. It's not like they're inpenitrible. But they just place me a little further away. They make things hazy... a little distant. They're crepe paper walls. Not strong at all, not as transparent as celophane. You can still hear me. We can still see each other's form. I can hear you... but it makes things difficult to decipher... just how I like it.

Crepe paper walls are easy to tear down. In fact it can be done in an instant if I so choose (which may make me seem a little bi-polar to some.) They're easily put up and easily taken down. This can be a good and a bad thing.

When my Crepe is up, I feel distanced and therefore don't say much or say things I shouldn't... so most of the time (to prevent further damage) I don't say much of anything. Some friends may be confused here, but let me clarify. Sometimes I'm silent because I have heavy thoughts on my mind and sometimes I'm silent because of a wall and those who know me know the difference.

Why do the walls come up? Why does anyone's? Because they're afraid of being hurt again. Putting up a wall protects me. I feel that I have given alot to alot of people in my life so far and haven't received much from them. I know it's not all about receiving, this is in no way my point. I am merely stating that in relationships there must be give and take from both parties involved or resentment can build quickly.

Anyway, just thinking out loud this morning.

I feel I am never who I should be, never making any headway.

Just thinking outloud...