99 bottles of beer on the wall, wait make that tequila

Made two sales today. Yee haw. Really, I was so excited my boss and I were jumping up and down and hugging each other (cause we have three weeks left to sell this show and there's only two of us selling it.) This was the first sell of the show!

Didn't leave work until 6:00 pm. Took the Dallas Tollway, to I635 E, to 30 (towards Texarkana) and exited appropriately. Took an hour (with minimal traffic.) Either we pay over $200 a month in highway tolls or I drive (in the mornings) and hour and 45 minute commute. I was thinking on my way home (as traffic was better than expected) that if I had a CD with scripture to listen to in the mornings and a book on tape/CD in the afternoons (Bradbury books on tape... oh make me salivate) I would be set. I could handle that. But, there's no tape deck and yeah, you guessed it the Cavlier's CD player doesn't work. I can't drive (let me restate that, I'm not driving) the Jeep because it's too much in gas money every week. I haven't driven my Jeep since we've been married. I didn't even drive (coming or going) when we went to Houston last weekend. I am having withdrawals. Anyway, back to the story at hand. Turned on the radio... there was little good on but I thought it would be nice to roll the windows down (2/60 air conditioning baby) and jam out regardless of the crappy songs. One could roll the windows down if the windows would come back up. Actually, it's only the driver's side window which makes drive throughs enough to compel a person to a nervous break down. I almost rolled it down anyway, just cause I wanted to but decided against it because I didn't want to hear about it when I got home.

So, pull into my parking space at the apartment and walk into the house (my husband's ring tone sounding as I made my way through the door) at around 7:oo pm. Some of our company for the evening has already arrived. Great. So I go to making chili (haven't even changed out of my work clothes yet) and the rest of the crew comes in. The meeting commenced with me still in the kitchen (which is so conviently and unconviently connected to the living area). I don't know have of what happened and every time I made a suggestion, no one heard it and 2 minutes later someone would say THE EXACT thing I just finished saying and everyone would think it such a superior idea.

10:00 pm. I sit here blogging now. Tired. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too tired. Tired of people, tired of ideas for a youth rally weekend, tired of Young Life. Tired. Just plain tired. When I get really tired I have figured out that I do one of two things: get quiet and pensive (oh, make that one of three things... I just thought of another one), get quiet and irritated with EVERYTHING making me grumpy or I laugh at EVERYTHING or nothing except that which is in my own head. I'm suffering from all of these right now.


Changing subjects (but not really, cause I've been thinking about it consistently all day) our friends just got a new job. They are pregnant (honeymoon baby) and he really needed a better paying job, a job with better hours, one that would be consistent in everyway a job should be. He accepted one today. He sat in our living room tonight and talked about how it is a total shock to him... he can't believe it and he recognizes where it's from. I am happy for them, they were so excited. Standing in the kitchen, putting up the dirty dishes I decided I would be happy. Jealously started to creep in... I'm not even going to lie about it. However, I squelched that beast as quickly as was humanly possible.

I'm a little frustrated with a situation that I can't really talk about. I'm not going to here. I would like to but it would not be appropriate. It's just that sometimes I feel all I do is give, give, give to people (very special people) and I get nothing. There are times I know I should stand up for myself, but at what cost? Is it worth the cost? I'm just tired.

And THIS is completely another thought, one that stems purely from selfishness: sometimes it's extremely hard to know that you can never be another person's "everything" because you know that God is the only one who can be anyone's "everything." That hurts, I don't know why, but it does and there were a few minutes this weekend when I was so upset about it that I was nearly beside myself. I know, I know, it's ridiculous. Funny thing is that I have never felt this way until about a week ago. I'm sure Satan is merely trying to drive a wedge, create chaos when there should be none.

I'm tired of the chaos. Can I have some peace? And if I don't have peace is that because of my selfishness? Is that because ultimately I'm in the wrong? Because I'm not recognizing some sin in my life???

Well, I'm being beckoned.

Good night.