Random thoughts from the disorganized filing cabinet that would be my brain...

I love Sydney. She is the best dog - and so was Cuddles. But Sydney was a personal decision, not a family one like Cuddles. She is so sweet and huggable (just watch out for the flat head, she'll give you a bloody nose instead of a good wet kiss). I miss her ALOT. I hope we get into a house soon so I can have my snuggle muffin back. We had alot of fun we when took her on the 8 hour car trip to my parents house. I took lots of fun retarted pictures. Sydney was so cute. Oy. I miss her.


There's alot going on. New, new, new, new, new stuff with my awesome new school job... it's just alot to take in at once. I'm grappling as best I can. I'm sure next semester will be much smoother sailing, but it's a learning process you know. I'm enjoying it. I think my brain is in shock since it hasn't had to work this hard in a year and a half (I can't count the time I studied for the GRE... math always hurst my brain.)


I know why that lady in Colorado (or wherever it was) killed her husband who was the pastor of a church. It makes perfect since to me (yeah, that's sounds weird but I bet that if you ask any preacher's wife or youth minister's wife they would agree). Similarly related, one of my best girl friends works for a huge church. They have an ENORMOUS children's ministry program. She gets bad looks and talks in the boss' office when she leaves at 5:30 pm on some days. They only have one day off a week due to Saturday night church. Her boss told her that she was making excuses and slacking off. Most of the time (and this is pretty much every day with the exception of three days a month) the staff is up at the building until 9 or 10 pm. That's ridiculous. Have you people missed the point entirely? Sheesh...


My brain is so full now, I have to dump excess. I have about 20 running lists in my head and I can't seem to get any but a part of each of them written down on scraps of paper here and there. When I need to add to the list or change I can't seem to find the scrap of paper. It's really irritating and highly frustrating. And if I have another training in the next month I think I'll go nuts. I have already had to call two subs due to days I had to be at training. I have several videos to watch (to make up for the time I missed during new teacher orientation cause I wasn't hired yet) and a TON of paperwork to get to HR. It seems that every second of every day there is a deadline. I'm so tired when I come home - just from the newness of it all. My mom must feel this overwhelmed all the time - working two full time jobs and all.


It sucks to come home and have to do laundry and cook dinner and then do the dishes so the tiny kitchen won't smell in the morning or have bugs crawling everywhere. M is a help, but it is still overwhelming.


When we went to Artesia a few weekends ago my family had an early birthday party for me. It was the best ever! We had punch and everything!!! It was just us and that was especially cool. We're supposed to go to H-town this weekend to see Mark's parents (even though we've seen them countless times this summer) to celebrate my birthday and my father-in-laws. Mine is the day before his. Anyhoo - I love my family but I don't want to go. If it was just going to be us that would be fine, but it's not. Another family (and one who acted like a fool at our wedding and lost his temper) will be there also. Apparently, they've taken family vacations together for years and whatnot. So really, it has nothing to do with my birthday that we're going down there, it's just an excuse for the other family to make the five hour drive, even though we hardly know each other (me and them that is.) Really, this has nothing to do with my wonderful in-laws - it has to do with othe crap but anyhoo. I'm entitled to feel how I feel so there.


So I have a myspace. Ok, I set one up before I really knew what it was and I haven't checked it in a month (it usually goes for longer than that) but I thought it would be cool to invite the kids from the youth group to be my "friend." The idea came into my head when one of the kids asked for my myspace so they could add me as a friend (I felt so honored that they would even consider it!). Needless to say, only the one who asked for my myspace accepted me as a friend. Even the girls that I am getting to know (or thought I was) didn't accept me! I feel like it's high school all over again. Being rejected on myspace sucks. So, I'm going to delete it.


Well, it's about time for me to head to the iglesia. Peace out.

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I'm stoked about school. Have much to do before the end of the week... my classroom is barren so that's a HUGE priority. I'll post more details and pics of my room at the end of the week. Y'all are awesome for keeping me in your prayers. God is good (he can't help it, right?) and I'm glad I'm in the place he wants me to be!!!

Update

Ok. We had our camp "presentation" at church yesterday. I'll post the video we made (anyone know now to do that???????)

The job thing is being worked out today. PLEASE pray I'll get it. They really want to hire me but there are some complications with the cert. program and whatnot - stuff we didn't find out til last Wednesday. Holy cow - it's been a roller coaster.

I really appreicate all your hope and prayers - keep it up. Hopefully by the end of the day I'll have a job!!! A REAL paying job!!!! A good one with great kids!!!!! BTW, it's a Resource teaching position at an elementary school (the kids who come to your room throughout the day for extra help with their subjects... it sounds SOOOOOO cool). I love the people there - they seem so great. We'll let God do his thing and see what happens...

In the meantime, I love you guys. Thanks for all your encouragement and support. Sorry I've only been popping in and out - but things are CRAZY right now. Will give details later.

Talk to you soon...

Ok folks, just checking in to let you all know I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I've been sick for two weeks, worked the Dallas & Fort Worth Bridal Shows, worked my last day at BSI and am now at camp with the kids. Anyhoo - the only reason I have the opportunity to write this morning is cause I have an interview at 7:45 am with an elementary school. Kinda of a last minute thing - anyway, will post pics of camp next week and let you know how the interview turns out.

The Wreckers - "Stand Still, Look Pretty"

From another time in my life:

"I want to paint my face
And pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up I don't even want to look at myself
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me
I have to say I wish I could start over
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty
Sometimes I find myself shaking
In the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
Even believe this is my life
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths
I'm not strong enough to deal with it"

Fun from the 4th

FUNdraising!**

So here's the deal: we have 20 kids who want to go to camp. Several of them have NEVER been to summer camp!! How crazy! We have two families at church that are having to pay for three of their kids to get to camp - $180 a kid (which is really cheap for one kid, but it adds up when you have three kids going.)

Our kids are working so hard to raise money (we had a student auction, they are cleaning up the church's land and they have all taken odd jobs to pay their way)... and the pennies do add up but we're far from the goal of what we need. So here's what I'm proposing: if any of you in this fabulous little blogosphere would like to tell your church about this opportunity or if you yoursevles would like to help a kid from Crossroads Church in Rowlett, Texas go to camp here's what you do...

1. Send a check (not cash obviously) to the following address: ATTN: Crossroads Youth C/O Mark Williams, 3984 Rowlett Rd. Apt. 132, Rowlett, TX 75088.

2. Make the check out to: "Crossroads Church" and in the memo write "youth camp."

3. If you have ANY questions about anything at all (our church, the kids, etc.), please email me at: angelfood_04@hotmail.com


A little info about some of the kids you would be helping*:

B - a middle school girl who LOVES horses... she is very sweet and can be outgoing when in her comfort zone. She loves to read and is working on writing several stories right now. She has never been to any camp before - church or secular, so she's really hoping to get the opportunity this year.

N - older brother to the previous mentioned "B," he plays guitar for our praise time with the youth on Wednesday nights. He is a super sweetheart - his heart is so big. He really cares for people on all levels.

D -also brother of "B" and "N," and he plays guitar as well on Wednesdays (he looks like Angus Young when he plays... it's really cool!) He can be really shy (I'm still getting to know him) but his eyes smile when his mouth does and he has a super cool head of crazy reddish-blonde hair. All the girls think it's "so hot." :)

BT - a high school girl who is so keen to what people's needs are. Her family hasn't been at the church long and so she is still trying to "get into the group" and make some friends. I think going to camp would be so good for her and the other girls - they would have a real chance to create some strong bonds. She is the oldest of four sisters... her younger sister E wants to go to camp as well.


*I don't want to write out their names and post them on the internet due to the fact that I don't have their parent's permission, so I'll use initials instead.
**No one knows I'm doing this, not even my husband and the reason I tell you all that is because I don't want anyone to think this is a cop-out for the kids because that's not it at all. Mark and I help where we can but that's not always enough, so this was the next best idea in mind. Our church has all of about 60 or 70 members and we've exhausted all resources there.

Time makes no difference to me...

I had breakfast at Sonic this morning with my friend who lives in Utah - she ate breakfast at Sonic in Logan, Utah and I ate breakfast at Sonic in Addison, TX and we talked on the phone for 30 minutes. When she started eating breakfast it was 7:30 am. I started eating breakfast at 8:30 am.

The wonders of technology.

It was like old times again. We used to dig up change in the Honda Civic-Wagovan I drove in high school. Good old Bryan High. Those were the days...

John Mayer ~

"Clarity"

I worry, I weigh three times my body

I worry, I throw my fear around

But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain

The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain

Bythe time I recognize this moment

This moment will be gone

But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on

Well all I got's

And I will wait to find

If this will last forever

And I will wait to findIf this will last forever

And I will pay no mind

When it won't and it won't because it can't

It just can't

It's not supposed to

Was there a second of time that I looked around?

Did I sail through or drop my anchor down

Was anything enough to kiss the ground?

And say I'm here now and she's here now

So much wasted in the afternoon

So much sacred in the month of June

How bout you

And I will wait to find

If this will last forever

And I will wait to find

That it won't and it won't

Because it won't

And I will waste no time

Worried 'bout no rainy weather

And I will waste no time

Remaining in our lives together

Roiling On...

Every once in awhile, when the demons in my head are overwhelming, I will watch The Two Towers, the second in Peter Jackson’s rendition of Tolkien’s trilogy. One can’t help but be motivated spiritually after watching any of the three movies. When first viewing The Two Towers, I was enraged when people in the theatre were laughing during the scene where Gollum is arguing with himself. I could not believe people would be so cold hearted as to laugh at the poor creature’s misfortune. In reality, they were all laughing at themselves… but none of them realized it. I don’t know what your demons are, what it is that torments you in the night – but I am beginning to know mine well as of late.

It occurred to me yesterday evening that Gollum’s fatal mistake was seclusion. He let the guilt of his sin take over his life to the point that it warped who he saw himself as. He let it transform him into something he was never intended to be. What do I do when I am overwhelmed? Stressed out? Hurt? I seclude myself – emotionally, mentally and even spiritually.

You have to feel like you’ve done something valiant at the end of the day – you didn’t slay a physical Orch or defeat an evil wizard in the flesh – but you did slay something. You were triumphant. Instead of giving into your carnal desires, instead of succumbing to your anger, malice or self-pity, instead of doing what was easiest – you chose to do different. That is a worthy battle. That is a worthy cause whether we realize it or not.

When I look back over the last three weeks, I realize that I have believed too many lies in my life and they have in turn affected others – one in particular.

I don’t know why I’m so easily hurt by things… I find it easy to trust people in the beginning stages of a relationship and harder once I’m in the thick of a relationship (this goes with any and all relationships).

I don’t know what all this means except there are people in my life who I don’t want to resemble and people in my life that I do and lately I feel I have done a poor job at both. I am also overcome with grief in thinking about “lost” relationships. When moving to Dallas it seemed to take forever to get to know anyone and now I am in the same boat again. Maybe I trust people too fast and then get hurt and draw myself back to the point of terrible damage.

I feel like most feelings and reactions I have contradict one another due to my life’s previous circumstances. It is hard to talk to someone about things you’re just discovering – or maybe rediscovering. There aren’t many words, just emotions roiling about.

'Cuss I want to

Some people just cuss well, ya know? It's funnier to me when certain people say certain cuss words. For instance, my Great Aunt Virda could cuss better than anyone I know and it was a riot! When she said the word "shit" it was the best... she always had the greatest look on her face when she said it too. Oh mercy it was hilarious!!! I'm laughing right now, I can't help it - it's funny!

I find myself thinking of things like this periodically. They make my heart sing and cry all at the same time. I don't know when I'll be able to drink a limeade from Braums again. My bro and I would bring her Frosty's from Wendy's and limeades from Braums. I used to lay in her hospital bed with her. Our last great fling together she asked me if I wanted to climb into the hospital bed with her. Well, being that we were at the hospital's hospital bed and not the hospital bed at the house we opted that it would be wise for me to stay in my uncomfortable chair. We really would have had that place in a mess! I cried when I hugged her neck before I left that day. I think part of me realized it was probably the last time - and from her reaction I think she thought so as well.

I think part of my melancholy mood lately can be attributed to the fact that one of my best friends isn't here to share the joys (as well as pains) of life. However, I know she is in a much better place... feeling much better. No tears there, no pain or sorrow. Only pure joy. I will not revel in my selfishness. But man, days like today I just miss the heck out of her.

Coldplay - In My Place

In My Place In my place, in my place,Were lines that I couldn't change,I was lost, oh yeah.
I was lost, I was lost,Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed,I was lost, oh yeah.
And yeah, how long must you wait for it?Yeah, how long must you pay for it?Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
I was scared, I was scared,Tired and under prepared,But I wait for it.
And if you go, if you go,Leave me down here on my own,Then I'll wait for you, yeah.
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?Yeah, how long must you pay for it?Yeah, how long must you wait for it?Oh for it
Sing it please, please, please,Come back and sing to me,To me, me.
Come on and sing it out, now, now.Come on and sing it outTo me, meCome back and sing.
In my place, in my place,Were lines that I couldn't change,I was lost, oh yeah.Oh yeah.

Psalm 138
1 I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; before the "gods" I will sing your praise.
2 I will bow down toward your holy temple and will praise your name for your love and your faithfulness, for you have exalted above all things your name and your word.
3 When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted.
4 May all the kings of the earth praise you, O LORD, when they hear the words of your mouth.
5 May they sing of the ways of the LORD, for the glory of the LORD is great.
6 Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly, but the proud he knows from afar.
7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.
8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands.

Psalm 51
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Faith
When you come to the edge
Of all the light you have
And take that first step into
the darkness of the unknown,
You must believe one of two things will happen:
there will be something solid
for you to stand upon,
Or you will be taught how to fly.
~Derrick Overton

Who am I kidding?

Maybe I've spent my whole life burning bridges because I don't want to get hurt. Maybe I shut myself off to people who draw near because I'm afraid of heartache. Maybe I feel so overcome by guilt that it stops me in my tracks.

It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday that because of my innate sinful nature I can't help but be imperfect. I hate that. I hate it that I can't do anything to earn my salvation. I suppose this is Satan getting the best of me today.

I feel the need to run frantically to these people I feel I need to beg forgiveness from... why? I don't know. But it's killing me today. I know I'm not perfect. I know I made mistakes and continue to make idiotic mistakes. I know I don't deserve the blessing of my husband. Why do they have to be brought back up again and again and again??? I don't do that to people!

Why is it that others can say whatever they wish to me but the second I tell them how I feel I've done them some sort of injustice.

Screw everything.

I'm going to take a blogging hiatus. I have alot to think about and this is not the outlet for these sorts of thoughts.

Check y'all later.

Uncle Tim & Grover

Grover has always been my favorite sesame Street character. He's the sweetest goober I know (ok, with the exception of Mark). Anywho, looking at Grover makes me happy. I know Scott had that plush of Kermit... I need a plush of Grover. That's a worthy investment.

When thinking about Grover I can't help but think about my Uncle Tim. He used to red us "the Grover book" as we called it, when we would stay at our grandparent's house in Amarillo. He could sound just like Grover. What amazing talent! *wink*

Tim's physical body gave way four years ago this summer due to a disease he struggled with since his birth (but you'd never know it cause he never complained). I know he is exceptionally happy where he is and I wouldn't wish him anything else. I do, however, miss him tremendously. The whole family is going to be in Arizona... everyone except Tim. I just thougth about it a few minutes ago.

So here's a pic of my all-time favorite muppet (serious, if i find Grover shirts, I buy them cause they're a rarity). May his glottal fried, unkempt furry-blue self make your day as well.

Anyone have any germicide?

One of my prospective clients brought me a set of their face care. It's a four or six step thing. I won't name the company, but they're pretty well know. She brings me this set (a $300 value) and a little bag with samples of shampoo and conditioner and some sample body wash. The $300 set was not in samples. It was in it's original containers, just like you would receive if you were to buy the products. She said that me or my boss, whichever, could try it.

I took the products home. Have used them for a week. I get an email yesterday from the said prospect and she asked me when she could pick up the set. Let me say that I was more than a little shocked. She didn't tell me last week she was going to pick it up! Why now? I've USED it. The more I think about it, the more it grosses me out. How many other women has she given that to for the purposes of "trying." Typically when someone gives you something to try they give you samples. Since she didn't, I thought it was a sort of gift or something. She brought several things that day and she never mentioned picking it up again.

UH. Seriously, how many other people have stuck their fingers into that pot of night cream... SICK. It makes me SICK to think about. Mark says I should tell her I thought it was to keep and that it grosses me out that who knows how many other people she's given it to try.

What do you guys think about all this?

Here ye, here ye! Info on the "Blogosphere Convention"

WHAT: Blogosphere Convention
WHEN: Sunday, May 21 at 6PM
WHERE: Miguelito's Mexican Restaurant (817) 268-0404209 W Bedford Euless Rd Hurst, TX 76053


PLEASE RSVP TO Discombobulated (817-301-7282) BY SATURDAY (May 20) AFTERNOON SO she CAN MAKE RESERVATIONS.

Ya'll have fun!

I am a freakin' IDIOT for telling my boss I would do part time sales AND "special projects." I thought I was getting such a good deal when really, I'm doing 3 times the work for pretty much the same pay.

I am the stupidist person I know. Apparently I choose to wear a sign that says:

"Hi. My name is doormat. Please feel free to walk all over me when you feel the need. Thank you."

Stories from the life of another person, part I

We came home from our honeymoon in Cloudcroft, NM. My dad always said that honeymoons were for "getting to know one another" for "just being together." If that was the case, then I guess you could logically state that happened. However, deep down I felt otherwise. Can't remember what day we got home, whether it was Friday, Saturday or Sunday. I just remember being so glad to be around people again - people who talked and communicated freely without any inhibitions. It was good to be "home," even if home really wasn't. It would continue to be less and less like home and more and more like a dwelling where two strangers stayed when they couldn't find anywhere else to go. The second Sunday of our "union" (the first being the day after the wedding) we went to church. Don't remember what happened, if anyone extended any type of congratulations. It was June so there weren't many students left in town. After service, we went home. I was so excited to be making our first meal together as a married couple, so nervous about the turnout.

I decided to make a casserole my Mom made for us growing up. It was a favorite then and continues to be a favorite now. I figured it would be simple enough, but most enjoyable. The perfect first luncheon together. I stood in the kitchen for an hour or so, preparing all the ingredients for the casserole and then combining them to create what would I was hoping to be the best meal either of us had ever had. Placed the pan in the oven... waited 'til it bubbled.... and voila! Perfection.

We didn't have much of a dining room. Our kitchen table and four chairs were placed behind the love-seat, close to the wall so as to whisper the idea that it was another room. I placed the pot holders down, delicately placed the casserole, corn and tortilla chips on the table. This would be the first time to use our new plates! I set them out along with our new flatware. This was sure to be a success!
"Lunch is ready."
"O.k. Be there in a minute."
"O.k."

That minute turned into several hours. I can't remember when it was that I decided to eat, but I did. I was determined to enjoy the meal even if he wasn't sitting at the table. But the fact that he wasn't sitting at the table filled me with unspeakable sorrow. Was the computer game that important? It's homecooked food. He's a man. What's his problem? Eventually I cleaned up the table and went to the bedroom to take a nap. I don't think he ate any until later that evening.