Continue Continuing On

This is for ST. She continually reminds me of what heart is. So this post is for her.

ST, since you'll probably never read this, I'll have to make it known to you in other ways. But I wanted the world to know. You've had it rough the past few years. In fact, you've had some really rough spots throughout your life. But you continue to continue. You come to work, despite your age. You come with a good attitude and joy in your heart, maybe not happiness but joy. You are special.

I enjoy our talks. I enjoy laughing with you. I enjoy our friendship and the fact that we are sisters through Christ Jesus. Eternity will be fun!

H is missing out. He is missing out on you. I am so proud that you are able to keep a smile on your face and joy in your heart because you know where your true value comes from. THANK YOU for being an example to me. Thank you for your encouragement in times when I have been in dark places and looking for the light. Thank you for listening and crying with me. Thank you for being a Godly example.

ST, you are precious... so precious! I love you! And my heart is full and overflowing at the very thought of you. I'm so thankful for your presence in my life.

We'll just keep on continuing to continue together... deal?

Take Me On a Gondola

My bro and I went to Williams Square yesterday in Las Colinas, walked around for awhile. Vented. Walked. Vented some more. In the midst of our wonderful conversation (because they always are) I noticed in the canal a boat with a man standing in back rowing it and not only that but two people inside as well. It was a real live, genuine gondola! Wow. I've only ever seen those in the movies (like in Indiana Jones). I've been thinking about how cool it was all day today. I know. I know. I'm crazy. But it was SOOOOOOOOOOOO romantic, being that we're in the city and all. The sun was setting, there was a slight breeze. Ahh... It was so cool. So, as a tribute to the gondola, here's a little ditty I wrote (to be sung to the tune of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"):

Take me on a gondola
let's float down the canal,
I don't care how much we have to pay
the money won't matter a week from today!

Just look deep into my green eyes,
are they not convincing enough?
Can't you see, that, it's meant to be
you and me, in a gondola!

O.k., so the last line is a little tricky... but it works. It works.

The Titan

Last Saturday my brother and a friend and I went to Six Flags. As a grand finale, L and I decided to ride the Titan, finish the day off right. Now, I must admit. I was scared. I was really scared. The first drop was going to be more than I was going to be able to handle... or so I thought. But nevertheless, we filed into suite with everyone else and waited. We happened to get caught in line next to two young boys, Jeremy and Sam. Jeremy was a course young boy, cursing when he thought it counted and making it known, whenever and however possible that he was a tough kid. He was by no means a wimp. Sam on the other hand, had a gentle spirit and a kind presence. Sam was smart, even wise. He had kind eyes and a genuine concern for others that could be seen from a mile away. In standing in line for the 30 or so minutes we did, the four of us got to talking. Us, twenty-somthings talking to these 11 year olds about life. Interesting. And then the time came. Sam and I were nervous. In fact, if I hadn't been working so hard at keeping Sam's mind off the impending doom, I would have been in fits.

It was our turn.

Sam looked distressed.

"Think about something else. What's your favorite thing to do?" I asked.
"anything but this!"
I smiled.
"Well, who is your favorite person to be with?"
He thought a moment.
"My parents."
"Well, think about them. What's your favorite memory with them?"
He thought again... his mind going somewhere I was unable follow.
"When I was three, in the hospital."
"What were you in the hospital for?"
"I had a brain tumor."
"Really? Did they take it out?"
"Yes. I had my last check up last year. My uncle died of the same kind of brain tumor. But mine's all gone." Sam said all of this with such a peace. His eyes tranquil.
"Well, that's good its all gone."

The train of cars for the Titan lurched and groaned to a halt right in front of us. The gates opened and we were welcomed to take our seats. L and I sat together. Jeremy and Sam in the car in front of us. Jeremy in front of L, Sam directly in front of me. The yellow bars came down over our laps and L noticed, I could not see his face, nor the top of his head, that Sam had begun to cry. We asked the attendant to make sure he was o.k. The attendant leaned over, mumbled something, Sam reached up, gave him a high five, the attendant smiled and we were off.

Scaling the height of the first drop was nothing short of unnerving. The Titan dwarfs the Texas Giant. Dwarfs it. As mentioned before, I couldn't see Sam, but Jeremy was looking around anxiously and he was attempting to communicate something to Sam. I decided to cheer the young lads on. And maybe myself as well...

"It's o.k. guys... you can do it! WE can make it!"

When we reached the top, I thought I might go out of my mind when...

And it was all a blur... BUT IT WAS FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!! That thing pulls G's!!! IT ROCKED!!!! I went from sheer, grief stricken terror to 85 mile an hour bliss!

When the rocket screeched to a halt at the end of the line I was whoopin' and hollerin' like an idiot. It was such an adrenaline rush!

"Sam, Jeremy, you guys good?"

Two hands flew back from the seat in front of me (and I was elated!)... not a sound, no words, just two hands... the universal sign... it was time to give this young man some well deserved skin. Panic again hit.

"Sam! I can't reach you!"

From the left side of his seat, a hand flew around and I flung myself forward, straining... please... I HAD TO REACH!....

POP! Five big ones for the big man Sam!

The metal snake crept up to the pavilion, released its tight grip on us and off we went. The four of us chatted all the way down the stairs. When we'd made our way out of the maze it was time to part ways. It was nearly time for the park to close and I'm sure the boys had some sort of parental figure to be meeting somewhere.

"Well, we'll see y'all later!"
Everyone just kind of looked at me. Yeah, guess that was kind of a dumb thing to say. But I wished I would see them later. It's what I would have said to my kids at the Y...

All in all, it was a good day. Rode a roller coaster for the first time with my brother, had fun with a new friend and met some cool kids.

I hope Sam and Jeremy have good parents to go home to. I know I did. If only we were all so lucky.

Like garbage, forgotten to be taken out.

Remembered -
half hazardly tossed to the dumpster
A recepticle for waste -
the excess
the unwanted
the left overs

You used what you liked, as you pleased.

Disregard me.
Dispose of me.

Are you finished?
After all this time - who knew it would be you?
Wouldn't the work have been worth it?
I guess not, if trash is all you get for your work.

So I sit, up to here in trash.

this is war

Sword heavy, unable to lift
shoulders sore, back aching
Helmet sweaty, calloused hands
Grief makes the heart faint

the clash of metal
their unfair tactics
the deception...
the smell of their sulfer...

I am weary
armor heavy, burdened by guilt
so weighted by my own sinfulness

Continuing on, must keep on
struggling to see the light,
groping for any sign of hope

Open my eyes! God show me!
Please show me and send aid!
Will it never end?

Cut off at the knees, bleeding nubs,
seemingly the last blow?

bleed out
bleed out

pooling red saltiness so I'm left to drown
and I know you are there... so why aren't you here?

And then you come to me... you are there
Legions surrounding, protecting

For a moment, oh, blessed moment!... transcending peace.

Only for a moment and then battle rages on.

For peace's time of permanence has not yet come... not yet come.
Peace's time has not yet come...

During devotional tonight, Bob talked about memories and how strongly we are tied to them. It made me think of my greatest and most cherished memories... these are some of them:

* Riding in the suberban with my family in the desert of New Mexico listening to Rush, Boston and Kansas for hours on end thinking that a trip to Carlsbad Caverns was like a trip to Disney World

* Trips to Grandmom Browning's house, listening to Ray Bradbury books on tape, looking for the red roof (when it was still red)

* Bisquets and gravy at Grandmom's house

* Coffee with my grandparents

* Digging up change for buy one get one free large limeades at Sonic, after school was out each day, with Tocarro

* Uncle Tim reading us the Grover book at Memaw & Pepaw's house, in the GROVER VOICE!!! It rocked!!!

* Flying kites at Central with my bros and Jenny

* Roller skating with Jenny... while our dogs pulled us!

* Daddy's Night Out

* Going to Wonderland with my grandparents and cousins

* Catching fireflys in jars in Tuscola

* Laying in Virda's hospital bed with her sharing secrets!

* Talking with Memaw C... anytime, any place... it's just special

Grilled Cheese Goodness

How is it that some people just can't take hints? And how is it that some evenings can be so wonderful and some SO terrible... (I really can't get over the other day... ug! how terrible! how do I get myself into these situations!!?!?) Like last night was great. Walked the dogs with my brother, made some grilled cheese and chocolate chip cookies and watched some tv. Talked to a friend about the singles ministry we're about to take leadership of and the challeges ahead. Went to bed tired and satisfied, excited with where my life is headed and whats to come. God is good.

That's all. Just thoroughly satisfied. And tired. But a good tired.

I'm so stoked. STOKED.

Praise God. "All things work for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose."

Even divorce.

Tower of Power

I wasn't going to blog about it, but I had nightmares about it and I can't get over my own stupidity... or maybe it's his own stupidity, so I'm blogging. I went on a date Saturday. The only reason it was a date is because he paid. That constitutes a date right? Paying? What the heck is a date anyway? Just the asking and the paying? Anyway, he had concert tickets and tickets to Six Flags. He picked me up, we got there and rode a ride, one I wasn't particularly thrilled about riding but did anyway. While waiting to ride the Superman Tower of Power he procedes to ask me questions. Not just any questions, but ones like, "what's your worst break-up" and whatnot. Are you serious? He knows what my worst break up is. So thus begins a whole series of questions that I am obviously not very willing to answer due to the fact that he is digging for information I am not willing to give because it's none of his business. We've only talked three time!!!! What was he doing?!?!?! When I'm ready to tell you about It, I will. Don't try to fish for information that isn't yours to catch. Gosh. So I'm feeling really accosted and attacked, really, and here we are, it's time to get on the ride. Let me tell you about the ride.

This ride takes you straight up into the air, feet dangling, plumets you to the ground and back up again - stops - and back up again, and again, all at random. You are at it's mercy. Completely at it's mercy because you don't know when it will move or what direction it will take you. I can handle roller coasters. But I HATE heights. HATE THEM. Let me repeat for emphasis. HATE THEM. HATE HATE HATE. The second we left the ground I regretted ever setting my butt on the seat of the Superman. The only time in my life I have ever been in hysterics has been my senior year of high school when I had a panic attack... I went running to relieve stress and needless to say it didn't help. I made it worse, I couldn't breathe, I got scared, scared turned to panic and so on. I had to go to the hospital. It took everything in me on Saturday to not go into hysterics. I think I was already in a emotionally heitened state and then we got onto that stupid ride and it scared me to death... I didn't trust him, I didn't trust that machine yanking me throught the air and I nearly lost it, literally. I had to mentally go somewhere else. I think that that's almost sad because I got to thinking about it and I realized that in the past three years I have done that alot. I have had to escape mentally because I couldn't handle it. I couldn't deal.

Superman flinging me around and him laughing the whole time and the knot in my stomache getting tighter and tighter and being at the mercy of him and the mercy of the ride and the whole situation... it may not sound to some people like such a big deal, but let me tell you it was aweful. But of course, me being who I am, I played if off, like it was all o.k. because that's what I do best. I practiced that well over three years. Got real good at it.

We went to eat afterwards, just to make things worse, he drove me home, I opened the car door, told him thanks and that it wasn't necessary to walk me to the door. He said it was o.k. he didn't mind.

"It's really ok." I said.
"No, I'll walk you to your door." he says.

Really? Fine. Since you can't take a hint. We walked to the door, I already have my door key out and in hand, we approach the door, I have my key outstretched and am putting it into the keyhole... am facing the door... am turning the doorknob... and I feel this arm around me... ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?!?!? I turn half way around, and he is attempting to give me a hug. Give me a break. Have I given you permission to touch me? No. Have I even given you the slightest signals that that was even desired? NO. So shove off!!!!!

And he called last night. I did not answer the phone.

Father's

I was thinking about my Dad this morning. I called and left him a message... was trying to be encouraging... not quite sure if I succeeded or not, but as they say: it's the thought that matters. Dad is currently dealing with a situation that is most troubling. And I think he feels betrayed. I think he's probably hurt. Anyway, my grandmother said that he told her that he thought this person was a friend... and she told him (the truth)that the relationship is one sided - all Dad's. Gee... this sounds familiar.

John Mayer has a song that says: "Fathers be good to your daughters, for daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers so mothers be good to your daughters too."

I have always been my Dad's daughter... no questions there. I guess I have been realizing lately how much. And like my mother as well. On Wednesday I was talking to a good friend of mine and he made the comment that I'm "always worked up." Well, people think that of my Mom too. We're just passionate people... not angry or upset, just passionate. Martin Luther was passionate! You can't change the world without being passionate. Christ was passionate! See, it's biblical. Passion is good. Most the time; the rest of the time it makes you crazy. Anyway, that was a tangent! See, another way I'm like my mother: tangents.

Back to the topic at hand, John Mayers lyrics ring true. My Dad loves people without reservation, with out expecting anything back. He just loves. Whether they wrong him or not, he loves. Whether they reciprocate or not. I am like my father in this manner. I guess I hadn't thought about it before this year, but it's true. It's almost scary how much it's true. My Dad will forever love J, even after everything that happened. Even after he lied to Dad just like he did me. We love him. We love his soul.

Thank you Dad for teaching me to love.

I love you.

Yesssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!

I GOT ACCEPTED TO THE UNIVERSITY OF NORTH TEXAS!!!!!

I'm going to art school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woooo whooooo!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because of you...

I am so sick and tired of being stabbed in the back. I'm tired of being everyone else's doormat. I'm tired of working my butt off and getting nothing in return. I'm am tired of being hurt. TIRED OF IT!!!!!! I'm not sure what it is, I'm not sure why it is but I'm sure I'm tired of it.

I have lost: three of my best friends (C, T & J who were supposed to be there. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE!!!! And J, you just gave up... AND YOU MADE VOWS, VOWS!!!!! before God and man) I've lost respect for all humanity, there have been times when I have lost the will to live... I've lost all desire to trust anyone.

I'm tired of trusting people with myself and getting SCREWED OVER!!!!!!! If you're going to talk about me, do it when I'm standing there, not when I'm not around and can't defend myself. I WAS THERE FOR YOU!!!!!! And this is how I'm repaid???!?!?!?!! What the heck? How dare you. Do you really think I wanted all this to happen, and now, instead of being there you're going to condemn me to Hell and leave me for dead. Thanks. Thanks. Because God can forgive your sin and not mine? Got the book and verse for that one? I'm sure you do... YOU HAVE MISSED THE BOAT. MISSED IT.


And then I think of Christ... and I cry.


And I'm sick of crying. And I'm sick of trying to please everyone else, because even when you do they hate you for it anyway. Sick. Sick. Sick.

She really should do commercials...

Sydney's sportin' the Doggles!

Doggles

So I bought these sunglasses for Sydney called Doggles. She wears them when we're riding in the car. The best part about this (besides her looking so cool) is the reactions of people in neighboring cars. Friday my bro, Sydney and I were on our way to my apartment from Memaw's house. My bro and I had on our boonie hats (what satisfaction) and Sydney her Doggles. At a stop light a man in a truck glanced over and started to chuckle at the sight of a dog with its head out the window... with sunglasses on! I watched as he dug around in his console for something. Sure enough, he pulled out his camera phone and took a picture! I thought it was great! Sydney and I should be in Sprint commercials. I could use the extra cash and Sydney is bound for stardom... after all, with a face like that, who wouldn't be?

At the next light we were at my brother saw a lady look over and start laughing hysterically at Sydney in her Doggles. I love it. Who knew a pair of $10 Doggles from doggles.com (those of you with dogs and Jeeps, this is a must) would bring so much happiness to so many people? I feel my $10 was not frivolous spending at all, but a way to change the world. After all, Sydney can prevent road rage with that cute face and those fabulous Doggles.

Will it never end?

I put my application into the University of North Texas about a week ago. Found out on Thursday that ACU had not sent my transcipt to them yet, so the application process was on hold. Faxed a transcript request to ACU and now I wait. I hate the wait. I have told myself that I will have peace no matter the circumstances or outcome of the situation... as I did before with UTD and the audiology program. And over all I do have peace, I just can't stand the waiting between now and then.

And to be quite honest, I'm afraid. My mind is dizzy with the "what ifs." Ug. This doesn't sound like it should be that big of a deal and in the grand scheme of things, it isn't. But in the mean time I wait. And waiting is never any fun.

Happy 4th?

I have always loved the 4th of July... from the cheesy patriotic music to the setting of of fireworks. Last night some friends and I went to watch fireworks in Addison at "Kaboom Town." Apparently they've done this for many years and people sit on the sidewalks and park their cars and trucks in empty land lots and watch the spectacular display of fireworks. We were all sitting around talking about what we used to do for the 4th when we were children and I got to thinking. And this thinking made my heart ache for days when things weren't so complicated, when chilled watermelon and a Roman Candle were the epitomy of happiness... when catching fireflies in glass jars so as to contain the magic of them for just a moment and sleeping with windows open on hot summer nights were all we knew. When the biggest upset or heartbreak was someone calling you a bad name or not wanting to play the game you wished to play.

On this 4th of July, I long for the days of the less complicated and heartbreaking. I long for the peace that comes with good friends and the best family in the world.

And while I'm not with my family, I have peace. I have good friends now and I realize I can make it. I will make it.

So, happy 4th of July everyone! I hope yours is the best one yet... and if it isn't that you realize that it can only get better. It can only get better.

Fire & Rain

I heard some James Taylor on the way to work this morning. He always makes me think of my Mom, not sure why but especially when I hear Fire & Rain and Shower the People.
I love the lyrics to this song and they hit home with me today especially, so I decided to post them. Besides it's musical genius, it makes me long for home. Here and after...

Fire & Rain
Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone.
Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you.
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song,
I just can't remember who to send it to.
I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I'd see you again.

Won't you look down upon me, Jesus, You've got to help me make a stand.
You've just got to see me through another day.
My body's aching and my time is at hand and I won't make it any other way.
Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I'd see you again.

Been walking my mind to an easy time, my back turned towards the sun.
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around.
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come.
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground.

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
but I always thought that I'd see you baby, one more time again, now.

Thought I'd see you one more time again.
There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now.
Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you, fire and rain, now.

Blur

At this time, vision is blurred
purpose and reality distorted, stiffled

dreams are so vivid but long coming

paint these pictures in my mind,
make them real with the pen

Fizzle out, exhausted from my keep,
like flat coke -
wasted.

Blurry.

Wipe the haze from my eyes - remains
This miasma so perplexing and yet -
compelling.

Am I drowning?
How long must I wander half blind
in this cold place? this heartless orb?

Grasping, gasping for anything - please show me

To have peace, to see a light -
hope at last ...

make the high places level so that my feet
may have even paths to tread!

Show me the way -

but there is only the blur

Blessings?

Prentice preached a few months ago about Jacob wrestling with God and how he asked God for a blessing at the end of the "battle." My mom told me that due to that fact that I have wrestled with God for a good 2 1/2 years that my blessing is coming soon.

This makes me wonder. What type of a blessing? Is there actually going to be a "significant" blessing for the times we spent in trial. I have wonderful friends here in Dallas now that I never imagined I would have. I have a wonderful supportive family. I have a great dog and an apartment with air conditioning, a fridge with food in it and a closet full of clothes.

While I DO NOT taken these blessings for granted and thank God every time I think about how lucky I am, (really and truly, despite everything previous to this new-found renaissance in my life) I wonder. I am in a singles group that needs new leadership and for several months now have felt called to step up and take action. Is this the blessing? Positions of leadership are rarely a blessing. They are more often struggles. I have always been one to love a challenge, no matter what the challenge. And I feel that inspite of the "D" and inspite of being in a singles group (where I never thought I would be... by every right shouldn't be) I feel blessed. I feel called. I feel that God truly does "work for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." It's one thing to know something, its entirely another to experience it. I just keep thinking, "How is it I am so blessed?"

I have a friend who tells me all the time (and it gets old hearing it) that I'm "way too healthy for where [I've] been." First of all, what is that supposed to mean, and second, no I'm not. Considering where I've come from, I'm so happy to be sane again its almost maddening. Besides it never did anyone any good to sit in their own misery - it gets you no where.

This post isn't going to make sense to anyone, I'm sure. But I felt the need to get these thoughts off my chest regardless.

I've decided to post a blog about my Bizzle, the GreatBeefalo. I've really enjoyed his presence since he moved to my area of Texas. He'll kill me for posting a pic, but I like this picture because it's goofy and fun and so typical of our times together. One of my favorite things to do with my bro is drive around because he does this real funny thing. I haven't named it yet, but its real funny. Explaining it will not do it justice, but I will try in vain anyway. When passing signs he will read them as they are written, for example if in all caps he yells it. So a sign might read, "Joe's CRAB SHACK" and so he reads it accordingly. So he says quietly "Joe's" and then yells "CRAB SHACK!!" It's hysterical. Trust me... it is. Among other things, I like being able to spend time with my bro whether walking 2 miles at a nearby park, venting the stresses of the day or watching old movies at my apartment... or seeing new movies at the theatre. It's also nice to have him around when I need guy advice, even though it annoys him to no end.

Anyway, this is my youngest bizzle and I. We're tight and I'm glad to have him in my life. Thanks for making me laugh when I want to cry... even though some days you make me crazy! I guess that's a bizzle's job though, right?