So, Discom, you wanted me to give you some Cliff Notes. To update you on my life. Well, your recent post regarding "BJs" has inspired me. No, I was not a prostitute in a former life. Even better a wife. Yes folks. I was someone's wife. But apparently I wasn't... well, enough. So here I am. Branded for life. In the good 'ol C of C, that means I can't be saved. Not even Christ's blood is good enough for the sin of Divorce. So here I am, Red Letter and all. Capital D.
You know people tend to think that women are the one's who hold sex over men's heads and keep it from them, that we are the only culprits. WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Now, it happens more that way than the other but that does not mean that women are the only ones who use it as a weapon. Sex is not a tool. It is not a weapon. NOT a weapon.
I know that at some point in my life I knew deep down in my soul, in my heart of hearts that God made sex this beautiful, wonderful thing. But now, I have a hard time believing it. I know it. I'll tell people that all day. But I have a hard time believing it. Knowing and believing are different.
By the time it was all over, we were married 2 1/2 years and I can count on two hands the number of times we did it. And when we did it was terrible... it was like some sort of out of body experience. He may as well have been sitting across the room watching - watching and hating it. It was awful. The man had issues. Issues with a lot of stuff... like his mom. Good grief, that's a tale in itself.
And you know what really sucks... I WAITED. I WAITED DANG IT!!!! Is this what I get for waiting!?!?!?! There are millions of people out there who have sex all the freakin' time... ug. It just pisses me off.
He would tell me that sex was "gross," that it was "too messy." There were about 20 different excuses. He was too tired. He had a headache. He didn't want to hurt me. Would I really be that interested if it hurt?!?!?! And he NEVER did anything to please me. And that is no exaggeration.
And so you pray: God, help me be patient. Help me be a better wife. Help me not be so angry. Help me have a better attitude.
And then you pray for death because you've been wounded so deeply by the least suspected person and no one believes you. And then when he stops talking to you and he won't go to counseling and he fakes it to the world and the fakeness is about the make you crazy... you know what has to be done. So you start to think of ways to make it look like an accident so your parents won't be worried about what you were thinking when you went. After all, divorce is unforgivable but there are some who think suicide is sort of up in the air.
He told me once that the reason he looked at porn was because he admired the artistic qualities of it. That has to be the biggest bunch of bullsh** I've ever heard. I asked him one time if he'd ever cheated on me and his response was, "What's your definition of cheating?"
You know, I don't wish any ill will on him. I've forgiven him. I have some hurts to deal with, but I have forgiven him. Now I have to forgive myself. That's the hard part.
And the last thing he said to me before he walked out the door for the last time was, "Well, I would say I'd see you around, but I guess not."
And I'm much better off. Spiritually, physically, everything. Better off. This Ram ain't far from the flock and I ain't going to hell. I know where the Shepherd is and I'm in safe keeping.
For right now, that's all I have to say about that.
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6 comments:
Thanks Discom. And I'm glad someone posted because I was beginning to think I was going to be blogging alone! I feel like I just vomitted all over the world wide web. I felt kinda bad once it was posted. After all, all you peeps get is what I post and that was a little personal. Ouch.
And you can have an ego trip... but time it (or those things get out of hand)... starting now.
Strange thing is is that I'm finding out (and no, I DO NOT go around telling people this... but God does work in mysterious ways) that many women in the church are faced with this issue. It's strange. I think more and more men are becoming married to their computers than to their wives. It's a strange thing. Satan is terrible.
And let me just tell you that I have THE GREATEST FAMILY on the planet! And that's the truth... that's the truth.
Time's up on the ego trip. Was it enjoyable while it lasted?
Oh and I LOVE HUGS!!!! So, I'm sending one back at 'cha!!!
I'm really sorry to hear that this happened to you. That is just tragic.
Forgive me for not commenting - but I will say this...
It amazes me the way that people use sexuality to oppress others - either by their force, or by withholding from their spouses. It is never OK to treat people that way - NEVER! And when spouses withhold sexuality, they place the other in a tail-spin of guilt and self-doubt.
Thanks for sharing what must have been a difficult post. I imagine that there are a number of people who know exactly what you were describing.
Thanks for the honesty in your post Bee. And you are right... we are not taught that to have great sex you first have to have a great relationship with the LORD. J did not have a good relationship with God. I was somehow fooled into thinking he did... part of his manipulation, another story... but anyway... In fact, he tried so hard at pushing everyone away (including the God that made him, the God that was in and a part of him, his very being) that he couldn't be content with anything. C.S. Lewis said that being an atheist was terrible because God set traps everywhere... ha! just to show you He was alive and well. People who try so hard to prove God does not exist or try so hard to make it on their own... I just don't know how they live day to day. I could not. In fact, to be quite frank, I would not.
As for trials, yes, God is working for the good in my life. I hope that I can be maliable enough in my mind and heart and soul to listen and be molded in His image to what He wants me to be. I pray that I am pleasing to Him, despite my sin. And I pray that I might minister to those who deal with great pain in their lives...
Discom - some days it's nice to bear it all, some days not... depends on how high Satan has the guilt meter up that day.
Glad you enjoyed the ego trip! :)
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