Wages of Sin

Some days the guilt and shame are so much that I can hardly breathe. Some days it's so much that it's hard to lift my head or drag one foot to take one step in the right direction.

Yesterday and today are those days.

How do you tell someone about something you don't completely understand yourself? How do you explain to them something that still baffles you? That still makes your head spin? How do you tell them that you are as much of a sinner as the person who sinned against you?

I feel old, so old that some days it's crippling. A man told me not too long ago after speaking with me for awhile that I had "an old spirit"... whatever that means. And yet, at the same time I feel as if I've been reborn; I've had a renaissance, a rebirth. No more suffocation, the bag removed from my head and I can see clearly now. No longer looking through the haze of the thick plastic of the past. And it feels good. But I feel guilty for feeling good about it...

Today I just feel so heavy, as if walking with a 1,000 pounds of extra weight. Drudgery. Most days I'm able to put it off, but not today. And when I'm like this it's visible. People ask me what it is that's that matter because I think I look heavy, I look weighed down.

But I continue. Because that's what you do. And it's not bad... it's not bad. God is so good... he is so good to me. But my heart hurts... it just hurts with pain of my own sin against Him and the pain of having to tell others about it. It's emotionally exhausting.

The problem with pain... is that it hurts.


"Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is..."
~C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

"Nothing is yet in its true form."
~C.S. Lewis, Till We Have Faces

"Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them: but Love cannot cease to will their removal."
~C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain


but since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin on
thanks to you
now I get
I get what I want
since you've been gone
~ Kelly Clarkson


At times life is wicked and I just can't see the light
A silver lining sometimes isn't enough
To make some wrongs seem right
Whatever life brings
I've been through everything
And now I'm on my knees again

But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many feel this way...
~ Creed


Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe
Sometimes I need you to stay away from me
Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know
Somehow I need you to go
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay
Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well
Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself
Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know
Somehow I need to be alone
I don’t need you anymore, I don’t want to be ignored
I don’t need one more day of you wasting me away
I don’t need you anymore, I don’t want to be ignored
I don’t need one more day of you wasting me away
With no apologies
Don't stay
Don't stay
~ Linkin Park

And that's how I feel today.