Monday, August 29, 2005

Thorn in the Flesh

I feel that no matter what I do, I will feel empty. It's terrible. Each day I discover that I'm not who I was the day before... and that (hopefully, anyway) I'm better for it. Each day God is molding me, shaping me into who He wants me to be. It's terribly painful. It makes my head and body ache most of the time. I hate it some days. Some days I thoroughly enjoy it. Most days I feel very far from the world, from people. And some days I feel so close to people I can hardly breathe. It's breath taking and awe striking.

What is His will? And who am I that He should choose me for any of it? Has He? And if He has, what is It?

I feel lost and confused, dazed and completely out of control. I'm o.k. with that. What I'm not o.k. with is this empty feeling. This idea that enters my head from time to time that tells me that no matter what, I will be purposeless and unfullfilled for my entire existance.

I believe this comes from The Enemy. I know it does. But it is so heavy. So heavy... the weight of that one thought... and thoughts are unescapable. You can't run away from them. You can't leave them at home. You can't turn them off or wash them away in the shower. You can't tell them to shut up. You can't break-up with them. They are in your head. And that is terrifying to me. No wonder people are capable of going insane... when it's in your head, how do you escape? How do you believe anything different?

I feel that I am called to something so great. To change the world. Changing the world of course comes by changing one life at a time... not easy work. But worthy.

I do believe that Satan burdens those who are the most costly to him. So I guess I should feel very complimented. But I don't. I just hate him. I hate what he has done in my life. I hate the pain. Although I may minister to woman who have been in my position (which there seem to be more and more of) I despise him for it.

And God does not give us anything we cannot handle. And JG told me that she believes I was called to this... that I should write down my account. Publish it even. Get the word out so that so many woman do not feel alone. Maybe this is my purpose for this time in my life. Maybe so.

I suppose Paul had days when he was so burdened by his own guilt it nearly drove him mad. I'm sure The Enemies of darkness surrounded him in the night and taunted him til he couldn't hardly see straight. Maybe that was his "thorn in the flesh." I know that it is mine.

9 comments:

Scott said...

I'll simply defer to my other comments (on the preceding post) - unless you want for me to elaborate how they relate to this post as well.

Hang in there. You WERE created to do something great!!! Whether you actually PERCEIVE its greatness is up to you.

rambouillet said...

Scott I always prefer you to elaborate. I always benefit from your elaboration. :)

JaminTheBody said...

You commented in my blog, so I feel encourage to do the same for you.
I don't know you, but we serve the same master. You make excellent points in the last couple of posts.
Do not let this guilt to consume you. Do not give Satan a foothold. Do not be afraid of living out your dreams, and do something great, you were created for it.

Scott said...

OK - I'll elaborate. You mentioned the passage in 2 Cor. 12, where Paul mentions some mysterious "thorn in the flesh." I believe that you are correct, that this was some kind of spiritual struggle (if not an outright threatening temptation) - the fact that Christ's response has to do with grace convinces me that this is more than a frustrating eye problem.

Anyhoo, the real kicker in that passage is Christ's response. He REFUSES to remove the "thorn", and instead says to Paul, "My power is made perfect in your weakness." (DO NOT READ "My power is made perfect whenever you get over your weaknesses.")

For some reason, many of us in the CoC (and I am assuming that you are CoC or similar, given some of the things you've said in the past) think that we must ascend some staircase of righteousness to find communion with God, purpose in this life, or fulfillment in Christ. Then, when we suffer temptation, we're at the bottom again.

Christ's response to Paul, however, indicates that this model is a bunch of hooey. Imagine, instead, that we stand naked before God (because we DO). He sees who we are, the parts of ourselves for which we are proud, and the parts of ourselves we would love to hide. But the "hiding" parts are EQUALLY useful to him.

You feel empty? You feel small? You feel guilt? His power is made perfect in your weakness. You don't have to obviate these so that you can be of service to Him - you simply need to trust that He WILL use these parts of you as much as He will use whatever gifts you know He has given you.

I've another point to make, but it's gonna make this so long, I'll arrange it for my blogsite sometime today.

rambouillet said...

Jam - thanks for the post!

Honeybee - thank you! you are a blessing! Wow... wow. I'll have to mull over your comment for awhile... "don't ignore that feeling, numb that feeling or hold on to that feeling..." This may take a few days to take full affect.

Scott - yes, I'm C of C. And thank you... thank you for your encouragement... I look forward to your blog post.

Demosthenes said...

Hmm, if I didn't know any better, I'd think Scott was a preacher...and a good one at that. My two cents is that a lot of what you said depends on what you mean by "destined to do something great". To me "greatness" is something I hope to achieve over a lifetime of service, not with one job or one summer of ministry. Greatness is a long haul kind of project and you know what? I don't have to see the results of my seeds. I don't have to "know" that I've changed the world when I die.

If I have a ministry that I never see grow and get fired and am a general failure as a youth minister, I will be secure with where I am as a Christian. And if the only thing I am ever "great" at is someday being a husband and father (in that order) then I will be content with my life.

Happiness and joy come with contentment - not in the absence of thorns. :) Keep up the good blogging. You're on the right track.

rambouillet said...

Greatness is something that takes a lifetime... and no, I don't need to see the seeds I've planted grow. However, I would like to know that I'm on the right track. That's all I'm saying. Am I reflecting my Master in ways that are pleasing to Him? Am I doing the things that He would have me to? etc. Daily keeping myself in check...

Demosthenes said...

I think you KNOW you are on the right track based on the difficult trials you are facing. "Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds..."

Think about it this way - Satan is not going to mess with someone who is on the WRONG track - why would he waste his time with someone who isn't being an effective tool for Christ?

rambouillet said...

Wow Bee, I didn't know that was humanly possible... thanks! Yours are an encouragement as well!