Tie a Red Ribbon around Ram Week

Dude. Last night a good friend deemed me "over commited." And I think he's right. I nearly lost it. I think mostly because I'm WAY too tired right now. After last weeks marathon of sleepless nights... I'm bushed. And last night wasn't too much better. I had a terrible nightmare. Woke up angry. I hate that. I was yelling at my dog this morning... it was aweful.

We used to have red ribbon week at school, you remember? "Say No to Drugs." Well, I need a red ribbon. "Say No to You." No, I will not teach 2's on Sunday night for the fall quarter and co-lead the singles group and coach a volleyball team (without realizing it would be a 6 hour a week commitment). But did I say no? No. I didn't. I want to coach volleyball and I want to lead the singles. But I don't want to teach 2's. And I don't want to work extra hours at work. And I don't want to do... etc., etc., etc.

We had a ministry meeting last night for all the singles at Prestoncrest. S, K and I have each adopted an area of ministry to organize and head up. To make a long story short, I have the biggest one: IN reach, the one most people are interested in participating in due to the nature of it. So we're all sitting around, everyone's throwing out great ideas and we get to the part where *GASP* people need to take on a specific task. TAKE ON SOME RESPONSIBILITY. And NO ONE takes anything on. NO ONE. So I feel the need to explain that since we have so many people interested that no one should feel burdened... we can all take on small projects. Not one person has to take on the world... still no one stepped up.

Afterward, a friend came up and said, "You know L, I know you try to take on everything by yourself because you feel like you have to. And I'm the same way. But if you ever need anything, you just let me know and I'll do it. All you have to do is ask."

Can I just say that last night I was too tired to be pissed, but today I'm thinking it ticks me off a little. Really? You're the same way? If you were wouldn't you have felt the need to step up when NO ONE ELSE WOULD?

I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm an idiot. Plan and simple. An idiot. A fool. But if no one else does it, who will? Who will do it.

So here I sit overwhelmed. And yeah, I'm going to delegate. I'm gonna. But it sucks. Because there's a bigger issue at hand here and no one gets it.

I need to pray for a better attitude today.

I need a red ribbon. I need a better attitude. We need better hearts. Willing hearts. And we need grace.

We need grace.

Uh... me Jane?

He is amazing. Amazing... that's all there is too it. And it only keeps getting better. We're becoming better and better friends. At times I wonder how it is that it could be this good. It's flabbergasting.

What in the world? It's like what Beef and Writer were saying with the Far Side cartoon. I sit and listen to him and I'm astounded. He is so intelligent. And so funny. He cracks me up! He must think I'm crazy for laughing so hard... but I can't help it!

And I love to listen to him... I could listen to him for days on end. It's not just logic... it's from his heart. Wow. Wow... I can't even begin to describe it.

And when I need to be called to the carpet he does it with such grace. No condemnation or condescension. How does a man do that?

Does he have flaws? Sure he does. Do I? Oh yes. But I'm having fun learning what they are and whether or not I want to deal with them or not... yeah, I sure did say having fun.

It's just astounding. It is. All of it.

And I know this made no sense to anyone... but that doesn't matter. I just needed to empty my head so I can actually work instead of sit here in amazement, staring off into space.

He is a good man. A Godly man.

I'm glad he's my friend.

Doin' Life

So last night I was supposed to have dinner at this really cool place in Plano with some friends. Really, I only wanted to see two of the people that were supposed to be there, but no matter. It was a belated birthday party. I got to work... everyone had decided to bail. We've had this planned for two weeks!!! Oh, well. I get home (work was an absolute nightmare) and my good friend M called and to make a long story short we decided I'd go to his place and have dinner and watch a movie to celebrate my birthday... cause I still haven't really celebrated. Well, I'm on my way to his place (which takes an hour to get to) and he calls me to say that his bro in B/CS who is having a tough time right now called and suggested we come to see him for the weekend. He just needed some company. Fine with me! I love B/CS. These are good guys... haven't known them too long but know by their hearts and actions to know them well enough to know that their are excellent men of stature and moral character. They are men of God.

So, I turned around, went home to pack a few things. M showed up, we picked up some grub from Wendy's and set out to B/CS at around 10:00 pm. We talked the entire way down. It was so cool. This may seem like a strange statement but after the week I had I just really had a longing to sit and talk with M. And I had been praying for the opportunity to do so. Just to talk. Boy did we ever get the opportunity. And it was awesome. God has a funny way of bringing things about though doesn't He? He cracks me up...

We arrived at his bro, Seth's house and got the grand tour and met all the roommates (who are all characters!) Rocky, being the gentleman he is, let me sleep in his room which very luckily has an adjoining bathroom. :) Good thing cause I wasn't so sure about M seeing me with no make-up yet. HA! We went to bed at around 3 am and got up at around 9. I didn't sleep well at all. Too much on my mind. Exciting things though. Not like the rest of the week.

This morning Clint, Sean and I went to Kroger to pick up some pancake mix, milk, orange juice, bananas (for Clint's special "Nana pancakes"), sausage, and syrup. On the way there we had an excellent discussion about what church is and who is the church and whatnot. I was shocked at these boy's (I say boys, but they're 22 year old men) maturity. Clint was raised C of C but doesn't attend one anymore. Won't go into the story. But he believes in the necessity of baptism. He has such an understanding of the scripture. The three of us had the most amazing discussion about labels of "Baptist" and "church of Christ" and "non-denominational." It was so enriching. And very encouraging because it made me feel better about where the Church is headed.

I made pancakes for the crew of six. Rocky helped with the sausage. We all sat around the table and grubbed. It was awesome. Seth said the prayer and it was a good prayer... I cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom when we were finished eating. M helped with the dishes.

Clint told me this morning that they weren't going to let me go home. That's fine by me. Fine by me. I told Clint I'm going to adopt him. We just need to get the papers signed... ;)

Took a nap on the couch while the guys watched football. Am blogging now. My heart is full. We're just doin' life this weekend. Just doin' life... and I'm lovin' it. Every minute... every second just soakin' it in.

Queens of Crunk

Last night I coached my first volleyball practice with my friend Leslie. We're coaching for a subsidized private school... interesting, huh? I met at her place uptown and we followed her friend Rob to the school. The catholic school is located in west Dallas in one of the worst parts of town. On the way there we saw a guy getting arrested. "Good deal... good deal," I was thinking.

The school has a 10 foot tall fence running all the way around it with razor wire at the top. We pulled in, parked the cars and walked into the gym. It's new, thanks to a private donation by someone (can't remember who Rob said). It's a co-ed team but only one of the guys showed up last night. Middle school aged. 12 kids showed. Leslie and I split the kids up (being that we only had two balls) and started off by practicing bumping to one another. My group of six got in a circle. I of course, attracted all the girls that we more or less considered the "bad girls." Hand fulls to say the least. Let me just tell you that I loved every minute of it and I think they were surprised.

To motivate them to have control over the direction of the ball (which Anna didn't seem to care about in the beginning... she was more concerned with doing the opposite of what I told her to and gauging my reaction) I made a game out of it. Smile on my face the whole time. Oh the joy.

"O.k. here's what we're going to do. You can bump or spike the ball. You have to call it before you hit it. If you call it and miss that's fine, but if you don't call it and hit it you have to drop and do three push-ups. *insert grin* If no one calls the ball and no one goes for it we ALL have to do three push-ups. Everyone understand the rules?" They all nodded in agreement and laughed.

It was on. Everyone was calling the balls and running to get them. It was awesome. All of the sudden these girls who had no motivation, had motivation. When I didn't call it, I dropped for three. I think they were surprised that I applied the rules to myself. We had so much fun. We all encouraged one another and had a blast. After we did that awhile we practiced our serves, which they all did great on. I was impressed. We took a break between bumping practice and serving and I asked the girls to circle up, since we'd worked pretty hard and they needed a short break and we had no water (will explain in a minute). "So, I want each of you to tell me the best thing that happened to you today." They all kind of looked at each other... and then went around the circle. It rocked. Maria had enchiladas made by her mom and grandmother... homemade! I told her I was jealous! Monica Marie said that she got to talk to her little sister who lives in Garland... they all had great things to say. And I shared mine with them as well.

The gym, I found out, has no water fountain. So, I guess I'll be investing in an Igloo and be bringing water to practice every week from now on because most of these poor girls don't have parents sensible enough to send any water with them. While a few of the girls ran to the restroom Princess said that the day before, right across the street from the school a man had set his girlfriend on fire. She took off her shirt and started to run off. A man came to help her out and was stabbed repeatedly by the boyfriend. "You know, it's sad because it's not the old people, it's the young people who are being bad. But that's just the way it is in West Dallas," Princess said casually.

Leslie and I talked to Rob after practice and he filled us in on some of the girls history. Monica Marie's (she was in my group) whole family has abandoned her. Her mother is a drug addict and no one knows where she is. Her father is in the area and drops by when it is convenient for him to say hello. She lives with a distant relative... but they're not that close. I noticed that when we were practicing she seemed to distance herself from me. She wanted to laugh... but she didn't. That would involve emotional attachment. However, some of the parents of the kids are doctors and work at the clinics downtown and really want their kids to go to a catholic school. It's an interesting mix of kids. But I love them all. Rob made sure to tell Leslie and I never to walk to our cars by ourselves. And NEVER to speak to anyone. He assured us we were safe, but to be careful.

I stood their in that group of girls last night and my heart was full. I love working with kids like that. When I say "like that" I mean the ones who are grateful to have a hug from anyone they can get it from... the ones that everyday is struggle just to drag themselves out of bed because they're not sure if it's worth living or not because not one person in their life has told them they're worth it. The kids who need Christ in their life so bad. It makes my heart ache and swell simultaneously.

We have two games tomorrow. I'm so stoked!

Oh, the title of this post comes from Anna. She is probably the toughest of the group and Rob told me she probably won't get to play after the first game due to eligibility. Hopefully, though, she'll see it's worth it and decided to keep her grades up so she'll be able to stick it out. Anyway, she wants to name the team "Queens of Crunk." But I found out that since it's a school team we have to stick with the mascot, the Eagles. I'll have to tell her it can be our nickname. :)

"I Like Big Bibles"

O.k., so I'd heard of this before, but never heard it until today. It's hilarious... it's so stupid it's almost not funny.

So here are some of my favorite lines from the song:

"ain't talkin' bout paraphrase cause Paul wouldn't use those anyway"

"and I read it with some holy kissin"

"but that book you got makes me so holy"

"you can have those bimbos - I keep those chics that do devos"

and my all time favorite:
"39 + 27 = 66, and if you're Catholic, there's even more" (talking about the # of books in the bible of course)

compfused.com/directlink/615

Farting Preacher

Crap... this is the FUNNIEST thing I've seen in awhile. Please, watch at your own risk. I laugh 'til I wheeze. Oh, and make sure you have you're speakers on. :)

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php?e=fp4.wmv

I am exhausted with perpetual disappointment in the people I am surrounded by.

Meet You on the Mountain...

The most beautiful picture of a Godly relationship is captured within Song of Solomon. I didn't think so until I watched a series by Tommy Nelson. It has taken on a whole new meaning. Lots of things have.

I was thinking about leaving my parents at the airport on Monday. It sucked. It was terrible. I had this longing to be small enough to be picked up in my Dad's arms and carried home again. I wanted my Mom to cradle me and tell me everything was going to be o.k. I wanted to be held like a little child and sung to. I longed to be a child again. I longed for the innocence of youth. When walking up the stairs to security I wanted to cry out... not that it would have done any good... but I wanted to. I wanted to go home and stay there for a very long time.

I am thankful that I have parents who have demonstrated what a Godly relationship ought to be. Not that they are in any way perfect... but I tell you what: my Dad loves my Mom; no doubts about that. And my Mom loves my Dad. And it's evident in all that they do.

Maybe one day Tirzah, the dove, the Lilly of the Valley, will emerge from the clefts of the rock and her Solomon will be standing there, open arms beckoning her, flaws and all. And she will go to him, she will go to him, unafraid and unabashed. She will go to him, out of the darkness and into the light of his love. They will meet each other on the mountainside. And it will be so beautiful, it will be so touching and so magnificent that it will take their breath away.

Lover
14 My dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the hiding places on the mountainside,
show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely.
15 Catch for us the foxes,
the little foxes
that ruin the vineyards,
our vineyards that are in bloom.

Beloved
16 My lover is mine and I am his;
he browses among the lilies.
17 Until the day breaks
and the shadows flee,
turn, my lover,
and be like a gazelle
or like a young stag
on the rugged hills.

Running on Empty

I lied. I told several people that the wedding wasn't hard. But I lied. It was. Actually, it wasn't the wedding itself so much as it was them. They way he looked at her. They way she beamed. BEAMED. Them. They. The fact that they are creating a oneness now. One. Togetherness. Togetherness that I should be and have and create. And I'm not. Now everyone just stop right here and hold your horses. I am in no way jealous. I am SO happy for them I can't even tell you!!! They are magnificant together and I am so happy C has found a Godly man who adores her... adores her. It's just that I feel like a complete and utter failure.

Failure. Yup. Unwanted when someone else is so desired by another. I have no explanation as to why I wasn't. And I will never have an explanation. Never. My grandmother would tell you that it's because he didn't love me. After all, if you love a person why in God's name would you treat them that way? But every time she says, "he didn't love you" it's like tearing open the scar. I can't explain why. I guess because I thought he did.

And people came up to my parents all weekend and made comments like, "This must be really hard for your daughter." And Carla sat me down after the wedding, who knows why, (maybe God put it on her heart... maybe she knew I needed to hear it) and said to me: "You don't let anyone steal the joy God has given you. You don't let anyone look down on you. I'm so proud of you. Your parents are proud of you. And sometimes God takes us through things so we're able to minister to others. And sometimes we don't know why. But we do know this, He knew you were strong enough to handle it or He wouldn't have given it to you." Among a million other things. And we cried together. I think I cried all weekend. And Crystal told me things she's never told me before. And we encouraged one another.

But I just want to scream... I TRIED! I gave it my all! What else was there to do? And now I am branded... now I am BRANDED for the rest of my life with this stupid label because of a decision made on someone else's part. Am I supposed to be held accountable for that? So now every guy I date will question me. Every one. Every one of them.

Scarlet letter. And Jack Joy asked my Dad if there was "some level of embarassment." Ya think? You think being 24 and divorced carries a level of embarassement? Yeah. I haven't asked it before today but I'm asking now, I'm sinking to that level: GOD, WHY ME?

It doesn't matter if you empty yourself on the alter for people everyday for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter. Because ultimately you're screwed anyway.

And so today I'm very distracted. Very...

So what is Your will LORD? Because I ask and I haven't yet received an answer? And all I've ever wanted to do was Your will... and yeah, You know I'm not perfect... I can't survice without Your Grace... but could You help me out here??????? Please? How long does a person have to beg? How long?

I knew where I was going. I had a plan, which I thought was Yours. I knew what my calling was. And yet, here I sit... unfulfilled in my job and completely confused and a disspointment to the world. A dissapointment to You.

And as I walked down the aisle Saturday, I know what people were thinking... "You know what happened to her..." as they shook their heads.

So I'm crying out today and I've BEEN CRYING OUT!!! So for just one day... just one day, God, keep Him away... can we just keep Satan away? Can we just forget it ever happened? I guess you don't even remember what I'm talking about ... BUT I DO! Why didn't you give us the ability to forget as you do? I HATE this ever happened... I HATE IT.

Out for a bit...

I'm GOING HOME!!!!!!!!! WOOO WHOOOOOO!!!!! I'll be home for my birthday and to be in a dear friend's wedding. Good stuff.

Needless to say, I won't be blogging for a few days. So peace out!

There's no place like home.

Isn't HE awesome?

At the behest of fellow bloggers, I'm posting some more of my photographs. I took them this week.

Thorn in the Flesh

I feel that no matter what I do, I will feel empty. It's terrible. Each day I discover that I'm not who I was the day before... and that (hopefully, anyway) I'm better for it. Each day God is molding me, shaping me into who He wants me to be. It's terribly painful. It makes my head and body ache most of the time. I hate it some days. Some days I thoroughly enjoy it. Most days I feel very far from the world, from people. And some days I feel so close to people I can hardly breathe. It's breath taking and awe striking.

What is His will? And who am I that He should choose me for any of it? Has He? And if He has, what is It?

I feel lost and confused, dazed and completely out of control. I'm o.k. with that. What I'm not o.k. with is this empty feeling. This idea that enters my head from time to time that tells me that no matter what, I will be purposeless and unfullfilled for my entire existance.

I believe this comes from The Enemy. I know it does. But it is so heavy. So heavy... the weight of that one thought... and thoughts are unescapable. You can't run away from them. You can't leave them at home. You can't turn them off or wash them away in the shower. You can't tell them to shut up. You can't break-up with them. They are in your head. And that is terrifying to me. No wonder people are capable of going insane... when it's in your head, how do you escape? How do you believe anything different?

I feel that I am called to something so great. To change the world. Changing the world of course comes by changing one life at a time... not easy work. But worthy.

I do believe that Satan burdens those who are the most costly to him. So I guess I should feel very complimented. But I don't. I just hate him. I hate what he has done in my life. I hate the pain. Although I may minister to woman who have been in my position (which there seem to be more and more of) I despise him for it.

And God does not give us anything we cannot handle. And JG told me that she believes I was called to this... that I should write down my account. Publish it even. Get the word out so that so many woman do not feel alone. Maybe this is my purpose for this time in my life. Maybe so.

I suppose Paul had days when he was so burdened by his own guilt it nearly drove him mad. I'm sure The Enemies of darkness surrounded him in the night and taunted him til he couldn't hardly see straight. Maybe that was his "thorn in the flesh." I know that it is mine.

For Marrie

Marrie had a post on her blog about how she saw herself and I was intrigued; it was an excellent post. She asked the question, "how do you see yourself?" Well, Marrie, here is part of the answer.

The first memory I have of being aware of myself is one of my middle brother T and I. We were outside the house in Amarillo, I was about four and he around two. I picked up a can of WD-40 and sprayed it, the nozzle was pointing toward him and it sprayed in his eyes. I didn't know what a nozzle was or which way to point it. I just pushed the top down. When I took T inside to get my Mom, she kept asking me what happened, I told her he did it. I was too afraid to tell her I did it and it was an accident. So, I saw myself as a liar, as a guilty liar. And I worried for a long time about it.

In elementary school I had a "friend" (and I use the term loosely) named Monica. She at one point turned our whole fifth grade class against me. It was terrible. But because I thought Jesus would have been her friend I desperately pursued her friendship. I am the village idiot to the nth degree. Monica's mother would not let her come to my house or spend the night at my house. If we wanted to spend time together outside of school I had to go to her house. I didn't understand why then, but I do now. I distinctly remember one time when Monica stood at our front door (a RARITY) and her mother was looking inside through the screen door. I will never forget the look in her eyes. The look was one of disgust and contempt. Why should her daughter associate with "those" kind of people? "Those" being ones without sufficient income in her eyes.

I started playing basketball in the fourth grade. My Dad used to come to games when he had the chance which was great. I have always loved my Dad. He is one of the greatest men I know. However the car ride on the way home was always terrible because I never seemed to play defense hard enough or I could have made the shot if I'd practiced more at the beginning of the week... don't get me wrong. Dad was just trying to encourage. He didn't know. But a lot of the reason I stopped playing (later in life that is) is because I was never going to be good enough. Never. And that's how I've always felt. Always. It's like carrying around a ton of bricks. Now that I'm divorced, since I married a man who didn't want me on numerous levels (emotionally, physically, mentally, intellectually) that feeling is only amplified and reinforced.

In fifth grade I tried out for the Sound of Music, for the part of Lisel and I got it! Now, it would take an act of congress for me to try out for a part which is why is was such a big deal for me to try out for Sing Song hostess at ACU. I have always loved to sing. Always. If I could, I'd do it for a living. I sang with a group in high school and we were great... sang for large audiences and people loved us. I don't mind singing when there's other people singing with me but when it comes to a solo you can forget about it. So when some friends and I decided to try out for Sing Song host and hostess it was a big deal (and I have always dreamed of being a hostess as dumb as that is). The first time I sang my solo my friend Bekah heard the first note and said, "Wow! I didn't know you could sing like that!" And yet I still have confidence issues.

In middle school, I became obsessed with my appearance because I had a friend who was constantly looking in the mirror. I think every other question she asked was, "Do I look o.k.?" I thought I was fat. I thought I had the ugliest face known to man. I thought I wasn't good at anything... basketball, art, writing, singing (all the things I enjoyed most). Nothing. I'm not sure what happened between the summer of fifth grade and the beginning of sixth grade but it was something terrible. I lost all confidence and self-esteem. I'm sure something happened that I have chosen to block out... and I'm sure it had something to do with my friend Jenny's aunt.

In high school my mom used to tell me that I could have any guy I wanted. Whether or not that was ever the case I don't know. But I never saw it. Never. I have always seen myself as fat. I haven't ever thought I was beautiful or pretty or anything of the like. I have always seen myself as someone who looks awkward and says stupid things at all the wrong times. And I still don't know what Mom was talking about... and Mom wasn't the only one who said it. K said it one time about a year ago. I met with him and told him about the situation with J and he said that of all the guys to have picked it would be the one who didn't want me when there was a whole slew of them who did. And I asked him what he was talking about and he said, "L, I know these things. I was at the retreats and stayed with the guys. Every last one of them would have given their right arm to date you. One time the seniors asked all the guys in the room to name the one girl they would date if they could and everyone one of them named you." But none of them ever asked.

I see myself most recently as someone who for the first time in their life decided to stand up and say, "No More" and who will now forever be branded for it. Scarlet letter D on the shoulder. I see myself as someone who isn't extradordinarily beautiful or even remotely beautiful but doesn't need to be because my love is so deep that it makes up for it. It is pure. I see myself as someone who doesn't quit who doesn't give up. Who stands up for what's right, regardless of whether or not it's difficult. I see myself as someone who can be and who is influential.

I have always struggled with guilt. Struggled with self-image most of my life. I have not, however, struggled with my identity. I know who and whose I am. I have always known that. Always. But I have always been worried about what others thought of me, but not in the peer pressure kind of way.

As far as how others see myself, I feel like now they see me as a failure, as someone who couldn't keep their own husband. As someone who wasn't wanted. What man doesn't want to be intimate with their new wife? What kind of story is that? How grosteque do you have to be? I feel like people think I'm a liar. Men will pay a prostitute on the street... but he didn't want what he had right in front of him? And my own family thought I had to be lying. How's that for encouragment?

So that's only a little of how I see myself. I feel a little naked now. I think most times I feel naked on my blog though... blogs are for nakedness in some form or another.

This subject could be written on about all night... but I'll quit here.

Collective Soul

So Tuesday night I went to a Collective Soul concert at the Granada. IT WAS AWESOME!!!!! And that's putting it mildly. My friend Leslie called me Monday night and told me she hung out with two of the band members (Ryan, the drummer and Dean, rhythm guitarist) on Sunday night. She was entertaining two co-workers that were in town from Montreal on business and met them... how crazy is that. Long story short, they told her to come to the concert, bring some friends and meet them backstage afterwards. So she asked me to go (and I'm so glad she thought of me because I LOVE Collective Soul... they rock my face off!!!!)

We were SO VIP. After a few minor complications, we were able to get in and were about 15 feet from the stage. The Granada is a pretty intimate setting anyway, great venue for a concert. Tony (one of CS's roadies) walked us in the door and found us a great spot to the left of the stage. He even got us drinks... we didn't have to pay for a thing! We were instructed to wait out back after the concert for Dean. The concert itself was SO COOL... yeah, I just can't even tell you... it was SO much fun!

At the conclusion of the concert, we went out back as instructed and waited on the hood of Leslie's car and talked with Tony. Ryan came out and talked with us for a little while, told us Dean would be out shortly. We took a quick pic with Ryan (which I don't have, Leslie does... Tony couldn't operate my camera). Will, the bass guitarist came out and talked with us for awhile. He is a hoot. And hot... yeah. He's hot... let me just reiterate the fact that the man is hot. Anyway, we shot the bull with him for awhile and before he took off he says to us, "So, what's the word? Are we hanging out later or what?" So did all of you get that... the hottie bass guitarist from Collective Soul asked us if we were gonna hang out with them. YEAH. So, despite my urge to scream, "HECK YES!" to him, I played it cool. Before he left, he made sure to let us know he would "be back around." Dean came out shortly and upon seeing Leslie gave her a huge hug. All of the guys were really nice and had good firm hand shakes... always a good thing. Anyway, he introduced himself. We all talked for awhile... wow. It was crazy... we were hanging out in the parking lot with Collective Soul. Are you kidding me? Anyway, Dean invited us to hang out with them at the bar next door and then go to their huge after party at a place downtown. He was all about Leslie (gee, wonder what he was really after? hmmmm...) By the way, this is the same Leslie that's in the pictures from the Fogo de Chao post... super cute and such a hottie. Oh! How could I forget? When Dean said he would meet up with us at the Havana, he kissed me on the cheek goodbye, saying it was a pleasure to meet me.

We went next door with the crew for a little while but it was already so late and we both had to be at work today. However, at the bar, Leslie and I were sitting there talking to Tony (which by the end of the evening I think he wanted to marry me) and Will (the HOTTIE) comes in and makes a bee-line for us. I'm sitting on a barstool and he comes over to order a drink. He leans against the bar looks me in the eye and says, "I'm feeling especially evil tonight." Now I have to confess that the first thought that came to my mind was not one of pure and holy intent. What I wanted to do was say... well... I won't tell you, but I wanted to say it and then shoot him a look that would make a sailor think twice. But alas, I did not.

So, Leslie and I left shortly after. We did not go to the huge after party, even though it would have been cool to say we did. We can say that we did get personal invites from three of the band members though. I think that it was wise to have left when we did. I have plenty of self-control... but usually it's best to stay out of the fire all together. I got home and was in bed around 2 am. At work by 9 am.

Below are pics from the concert. Some turned out better than others... but some of them are kind of artsy. I think they're allright. Disappointed though. As good as my new camera is, I should have waited and got the Canon. Dang it. DANG IT. You can't beat a Canon...

Wages of Sin

Some days the guilt and shame are so much that I can hardly breathe. Some days it's so much that it's hard to lift my head or drag one foot to take one step in the right direction.

Yesterday and today are those days.

How do you tell someone about something you don't completely understand yourself? How do you explain to them something that still baffles you? That still makes your head spin? How do you tell them that you are as much of a sinner as the person who sinned against you?

I feel old, so old that some days it's crippling. A man told me not too long ago after speaking with me for awhile that I had "an old spirit"... whatever that means. And yet, at the same time I feel as if I've been reborn; I've had a renaissance, a rebirth. No more suffocation, the bag removed from my head and I can see clearly now. No longer looking through the haze of the thick plastic of the past. And it feels good. But I feel guilty for feeling good about it...

Today I just feel so heavy, as if walking with a 1,000 pounds of extra weight. Drudgery. Most days I'm able to put it off, but not today. And when I'm like this it's visible. People ask me what it is that's that matter because I think I look heavy, I look weighed down.

But I continue. Because that's what you do. And it's not bad... it's not bad. God is so good... he is so good to me. But my heart hurts... it just hurts with pain of my own sin against Him and the pain of having to tell others about it. It's emotionally exhausting.

The problem with pain... is that it hurts.


"Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is..."
~C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

"Nothing is yet in its true form."
~C.S. Lewis, Till We Have Faces

"Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them: but Love cannot cease to will their removal."
~C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain


but since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin on
thanks to you
now I get
I get what I want
since you've been gone
~ Kelly Clarkson


At times life is wicked and I just can't see the light
A silver lining sometimes isn't enough
To make some wrongs seem right
Whatever life brings
I've been through everything
And now I'm on my knees again

But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many feel this way...
~ Creed


Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe
Sometimes I need you to stay away from me
Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know
Somehow I need you to go
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay
Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well
Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself
Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know
Somehow I need to be alone
I don’t need you anymore, I don’t want to be ignored
I don’t need one more day of you wasting me away
I don’t need you anymore, I don’t want to be ignored
I don’t need one more day of you wasting me away
With no apologies
Don't stay
Don't stay
~ Linkin Park

And that's how I feel today.

Book Quiz - Courtesy of Mr. Honeybee

On Mr. Honeybee's most recent post, she took a book quiz to tell you what book you're most like. Well, I decided to take it and here's what it came up with. Pretty accurate I might say... you should take it too!

You're Confessions!

by St. Augustine

You're a sinner, you're a saint, you do not feel ashamed. Well, you
might feel a little ashamed of your past, but it did such a good job of teaching you
what not to do. Now you've become a devout Christian and have spent more time
ruminating on the world to come rather than worldly pleasures. Your realizations and
ability to change will bring reverence upon you despite your hedonistic transgressions.
Florida will honor you most in the end.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Fogo de Chao

So the evening with the ladies Friday turned out great. Spent WAY too much money, it was WAY expensive ($70 on me alone, the 11 us ran a $684 tab). I have never felt so pampered ever. The waiters pulled your chair out for you every time you got up and sat down... I felt like a princess! Thought I'd share some pics...




Partners in crime... but mostly accountability! Ashley is the best!





Leslie and I pose for the camera...

Tag, I'm It!

7 things I plan to do before I die:

1. backpack Europe
2. be HAPPILY married with children (keyword there being HAPPILY)
3. go whale watching and actually SEE a whale (been twice... still haven't seen one)
4. sell some of my photography
5. do some type of mission work some where outside the U.S.
6. go on an African safari
7. go to Australia


7 things I can do:

1. shoot a basketball with a gun in my hand (oh yes Demo, I'm THAT talented)
2. twirl my hair for hours on end (yeah Beef, maybe eventually when I'm not insane, I'll break the habit)
3. play the cello (or at least I could... haven't in awhile)
4. ride a bike without holding on to the handle bars
5. attract all types of psychos and dorks (apparently, it's my specialty)
6. play some CRAZY defense (basketball)... oh yes, I will know what kind of gum you're chewing :)
7. make some kickin' chili (as well as chocolate chip cookies)


7 things I can't do:

1. drive my Jeep when the gas tank is empty
2. sell my guitar on ebay (CAUSE the STINKIN'THING WON'T SELL!!!!!)
3. I've finally figured it out... I CAN'T RESCUE PEOPLE!!!!
4. change the past... unfortunately
5. balance my checkbook (to my mother's everlasting grief and shame... and my everlasting grief)
6. quit my job and move to Timbucktoo (even though it sounds appealing)
7. save myself


7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:

1. Eyes
2. Sense of humor... you gotta be funny, you can't make through life without being able to laugh at yourself
3. Relationship with God (MUCHO importante!!!)
4. Relationship with family (just not so close to your mother that you spoon her in bed... yes, thanks for that one J)
5. gotta be laid back, easy going... none of this up-tight crap
6. o.k., you gotta be taller than me (not hard too accomplish) and bigger than me (also not too hard to accomplish). I don't want to feel like I'm going to kill you if I sit on your lap. And if some guy talks trash about me, you need to be big enough to kick his tale... yeah... So, basically, you have to be hot. ;) (which encompasses all the things listed here.)
7. Must be romantic... and let me clarify. I don't mean that you have to spend a lot of money... this doesn't qualify as romanticism. What I'm talking about is planning ahead and being thoughtful. Going out of your way every once in a while... not too much to ask I think.


7 things I say most:

1. dadgumit
2. Oh mylanta!
3. anything ending in "izzle" (thanks Beef)
4. dang it all to hades
5. crap (need to quit saying this one)
6. good gravy
7. what is wrong with these people?


7 Celebrity Crushes

1. Pierce Brosnan (oh yes, right there with you Discom!!! that man will be hot when he's 100)
2. Matthew McConaughey (it's that Texas drawl and the eyes... good gravy I could... o.k. I'd better quit while I'm still ahead...)
3. Antonio Banderas
4. Orlando Bloom
5. Brad Pitt (he just seems real down to earth)
6. Christian Bail (just because he played Batman and I've had A HUGE crush on Batman since I was a kid... I'm crazy I know. Speaking of...)
7. Batman (yes, he does count)


7 people you want to do this:
1. Writer
2. Kacey
3. Kara
4. anyone who happens upon the blog and reads, but never comments,
fill it out and post!! It could be your first!

Random Acts of Kindness...

Saturday sucked. It was just plain rotten. I was tired. I had to work for my boss. My friend kinda laid into me about needing to quit my job... I cried. It was terrible. I went home, took a four hour nap. My bro called and I told him to come over and we'd go grab a bite to eat. He knocks on the door and upon me opening it. He holds out a single pink rose (mind you, he didn't know I had a crappy day) and says, "For you!" I was still very tired from the nap and I'm positive that I did not give him the appropriate appreciation he deserved. But I could have cried it meant so much to me... simply because he thought of me.

I have never been fond of pink roses, but I will forever think of my brother when I see one now and they will hold a special place in my heart just because of my bizzle.

So, props to you Beef. You made me feel like a million and a half bucks! You're the best and some day some chic (if she meets my approval of course) is going to break the bank when she gets you.

You ROCK. Straight up yo.

I'm so tired of the friggin' north Dallas attitude. Tired of it. I don't care how much money you make, you that doesn't give you the right to treat people like crap. And I don't care if you wear Gucci or Prada or whatever other name brand or shop at Neiman's or Lord and Taylor or wherever else... get over yourself. I hate materialism. And I work with all these ladies who are obsessed with it and I find myself some days being so overwhelmed by it that I feel the need to give in because I don't feel pretty enough... I already didn't feel like enough because of J and now there's this. E is a body builder and N is a millionaire... good grief. Like my self-esteem needed this? I hate Satan.

My bro and I are standing in the kitchen the other day, I'm making enchiladas and he says to me, "There should be no reason you struggle with self-esteem."

???????

And I feel like crap. Why does this have to be such a struggle? The desire to be wanted or to be desired? I don't want to be because of what I wear or drive... God forbid it... but because of who I am and what type of spirit I exude.

?????????

O.k. you guys are going to be tired of my emotional vomit. I'm sorry. But this week has been crazy and I got an email from The Idiot due to a situation and it pissed me off. The fact that he took the time to type out my name enrages me. Anyway...

And I wouldn't be thinking so much about any of this except that tonight I'm going out to eat with a bunch of fabulous ladies from church. We're getting decked to the 9's and going to eat at this really nice place. We've had it planned for two months (maybe longer) so I've saved up. And E comes in the office earlier and makes a comment about my body and it just blew my whole day... I know it's dumb. It's really dumb but I could have melted into the floor because of what my boss said afterward. Good grief people. So I'm trying to think positive but it's hard. It's just really frustrating... I bought this dress to wear and now I'm debating on even wearing it because of what she said... I could cry. It's so stupid. Thanks E. We know you're perfect, do you have to make the rest of us feel like we're not because we know it. My ex made sure to let me know. Thanks. Thank you very much.

This is one of my best friends Bekah and her boyfriend Abe. She blesses my life... I took this pic of them while in Galveston in May. This is probably one of my favorite portraits I've taken thus far. I love the symmetry. Over all I think it's composed well. Anyway, I was really missing her today. 

Running the Gauntlet

Last night my bro the Great Beefalo, Sydney and I walked around Valley Ranch. It was after midnight and things were pleasantly peaceful. On our way back toward the house we came to a piece of sidewalk that was spotted with sprinkler heads. They were on, spraying away, dousing the sidewalk. Pivoting at various intervals spewing their life giving water on the grass... and the paved way home.

"You wanna run the gauntlet?" I asked.
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah."

The three of us stood there, all thinking about the timing... it had to be just right. (Yes, Sydney was calculating as well. Ears flat, nose twitching, she was preparing.)

Beef started to jog and then stopped abruptly. Me being behind him (and too short to see what was going on) slammed into his back.

"GO!" I said frantically.
"I was but..."

And Sydney and Beef took off leaving me in the spray. So we all just ran, at first trying to make the effort to not get sprayed, however, this idea was soon abandoned and we simply ran to keep from getting further soaked.

My cackling laughter could probably be heard for a block or two. We came to the end of the gauntlet, wet and laughing.

We walked on, getting closer to our final destination and lo and behold, there was another, yes, another gauntlet of sprinklers.

"You wanna try again?"
There was some sort of gutteral response to this.
"Or we could just run through them."
"You serious?"
"Yes!"

So we ran through the sprinklers, laughing, feeling like we were kids again even though we had just been discussing the weights on our hearts and were up, walking Valley Ranch well after midnight on a worknight like the irresponsible adults we were.

Have no Fear, your Double-D Leader is Here!

Are only boob-less women supposed to be leading the church? Holy cow. Is there a book chapter and verse on that one?

So I get this email from a friend of mine. She's much older. Has kids my age. She tells me in this email that I may need to "disguise my boobs" being that I'm in a position of leadership now. Excuse me? Disguise my boobs? If I was walking around with cleavage hangin' out all the time I can see where this might be coming from... but when I don't I don't see where this is coming from. Are you serious!?!?!?! So if I'm just sitting in the pew doing nothing, I can have all the boobs I want, but when you start getting active (no pun intended) then you have to schedule breast reduction surgery? This chaps my hide and burns my biscuits. Even better, steams my clams. What am I supposed to do? Cut them off? I've talked to three different people, people I KNOW would tell me if I needed to make a change. People who would tell me to go change clothes. My brother wouldn't be seen in public with me and he WOULD tell me to change if I was wearing anything inappropriate. What in the world!?!?!

Maybe if that idiot would get his head out of the gutter he wouldn't have made such disgusting comment. Unprovoked. We were just standing there and he said it... what in the world? Are you kidding me?!?!?! He's 33! Grow up pervert! "Well, if you had been wearing a different blouse, maybe he wouldn't have said such a thing." I WAS WEARING A T-SHIRT. Maybe it didn't have anything to do with me! Maybe it was his vile mind. Have you heard the rest of what he says and does all the time? And he's supposed to be my partner in ministry! Why? Why? Why?

Good grief.

I picked up the mail today for work and there was a postcard that said: "Are you certifiable?"

And the first thing I thought was: "Are you certifiably insane?"

Here's the chance for a dig Beef. Go ahead. Make your day.

Keyboard of Life

Sometimes when I'm typing at work, I get tired or I'm not paying attention. I'm on the phone, I'm looking away at a sheet of paper... and my fingers loose their reference but I'm still typing. When I look back up at the screen nothing makes sense. What I have typed does not read as it should. It doesn't say anything. It's nonsense.

I think sometimes in life we get so caught up or so distracted; we get so comfortable that we don't realize how far away it is from where we need to be. The things we fill ours heads with are great indicators as to how far away we are from where our focus ought to be. We wonder why we're having such problems, why things are going right. Just like our fingers on the keyboard.

Today I'm going to move my fingers over, make sure the index fingers are on the given guides and go from there. Keep my eyes on the screen to be sure I'm headed in the right direction. Today I'm going to be aware.

How comfortable are you with where you are today?

To be or not to be...

I like that I use an alias on my blog... that none of you (with the exception of a few other blogging heroes like Beef & Writer) know who I am! I am Rambouillet! Ram!Bwaa ha haaaaaaaaa!!! Oy. That sounded kind of evil. And I'm going for the good of humanity here...

Continuing on, it is most enjoyable to have an alias. I chose my for specific reasons as I'm sure most of you have yours. I like this veil of secrecy, the shroud of the unknown. After all, y'all know way too much about the rest of me to know my real name.

I'd like to think that my blog is like that of a super-hero. Yes. Yes... that's it. And this is the place where when I'm not working, when I'm not leading the singles group at church, when I'm not being the older sister, when I'm not being a daughter, when I'm not being the oldest grandchild (on both sides of the family)... when I'm not being what it is that I feel I have to be for everyone else at a specific moment in time I come here and be me. Say what I want to, be what I want to... I can be Rambouillet.

So really, it's kind of like the inverse of a super-hero. Super-hero's typically use their alias when fighting crime. I use mine when fighting my own demons.

My space. My words. My thoughts. Some days I love them. Some days I hate them. But mostly I just enjoy the freedom to express myself and not worry about the public finding out it's me: _________.

Do you worry about people finding out it's you?

Props to Lord Byron & Writer

If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad. ~Lord Byron

I have enjoyed writing for the whole of my life. As early as fifth grade, I won an award for my writing. This is not to say that I could now, but I have previously. Writer's post (you should all check out his fantastic blog @ meanderingmusingsmustermadness.blogspot.com) has inspired this post especially since Ray Bradbury is one of my absolute favorite writer's of all time. His description of things makes my mind run wild with all sorts of fantastical nonsense. I love it...

Now, my blog is for my purposes and my purposes only. As are my three or four journals I keep at the house. No one reads those of course... they are simply for my own sanity. :) However, it is important that you all know that much like what Lord Byron said, I write to empty my mind. I write to sort thoughts and collect the ideas and data swirling about in my head. I wrote a short poem about that once. Don't know if I posted it or not. But it was the very same idea... emptying the mind... ink forming letters, creating words, stringing thoughts onto pages.

I do appreciate those of you who stick around for my nonsense. Especially in all of it's unedited insanity.

Sometimes I find myself aching to write down a thought so bad that I've found myself keeping a pad of paper in my car and in my purse so that at any given time I can write down whatever it is that ails me. What joyous release to be able to express oneself with words! What a tragedy to be without words... to be without words is to be without thought and what a true tragedy that is.

A few months ago I didn't know what a blog was and now I find that it is a place of solace and comfort, a place to vent. A place to lay one's head. A place to sit. A place to bounce ideas from one continent, one city to another. One mind to another. It is another place for me to be me.

I used to be so embarrassed at my writing, especially my poetry. In fact, I never told anyone I wrote any. But you know it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks. It's really a matter of what I'm thinking and whether or not I want to write it down or not. You don't have to like it. I don't necessarily want you to. This is a big deal because I've spent the better part of my life trying so hard to be what every one else wanted me to... trying so hard to please everyone else, thinking about what they wanted and liked and never thinking about what I really wanted and liked.

So, the long and short of it is this: I write to clear my head. I write because I enjoy it. I write because I feel better when I do. Like singing.

Give us this day...

I was thinking this morning, the reason we have so many letters to various churches in the Bible is due to the fact that every church, no matter the denomination has flaws. While this conclusion may seem elementary, it may not be such. Take a look at your own church or the churches you have visited and the attitudes they have so rigorously embodied and transferred to others knowing them to be the "truth." People do a lot of stupid and terrible things when they think they're in the right.

We're all just trying to figure things out. We're all mixed up and all in the wrong. And that does not mean (as Romans discusses) that we should abuse grace. What is does mean is that we should not judge. That we should be slow to anger abounding in love, as the Pslams state God is. We should love our brothers, because it covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4). We should give each other a little grace, hmmmm... like the forgiveness and grace Christ gave us? Funny the Bible talks about that and yet we are so quick to forget about it. Are we not called to be imitators of God? (Ephesians 5)

Satan parades as an Angel of Light and oh does he does his work well, church warring against church when we should all be unified. We all know Christ. We worship the same God. And yet we war and argue with one another... when will we see the damage we are doing to our ownselves? No wonder the world wants nothing to do with us.

God forgive us when we fail to see our own iniquities and are so quick to point out and cast out other's. Help us to see with Your eyes, spiritual eyes, the eyes of Your spirit so the we are able to do Your will in the works of Your churches throughout the world. Renew our minds, restore our hearts.

God forgive us.

Not Just Any Tuesday

Ah... where do I start? I don't know why it has taken me so long to blog about this. I guess I didn't want to ruin a good thing. But I read Claraslvr's blog about her wonderful evening and was inspired to write about mine... so here I go. And besides, my posts have been dark of late.

He picked me up around 6 o'clock on a Tuesday evening. It was sunny outside. I had only been given a hint at what we were doing... something about "swinging things." Having been given a dress code as well (how cute is that?!?!) casual and kind of athletic, I of course had spent my day off stressing about what to wear. Typical girl thing to do. Do I normally stress about what to wear? No. I went with olive capris, a white tank with a black flower embellishment (just the right touch of feminity) and black flip flops. I debated on the black flip flops since he said athletic, but at the behest of my roommate went with them.

A knock at the door. So, I get my bag, put up the dog, and we're off. Off to where? I don't know yet but the conversation is great. And I must add that he did open the car door for me. A gentleman. *sigh*

In the midst of our wonderful conversation he asks me if I've ever played golf. Nope. Not ever, never so much as picked up a club (and somehow I suspect he knows this already... I'll have to ask him one day, but I think, it's only a theory, but I think he overheard a conversation two days before involving my boss and a few other people about how to swing a golf club and I was going on about how I've never played before and never so much as swung a club. So, they all stood around and tried to tell me how to hold a club and whatnot... all the time he was only a few feet away.)
So he tells me we're going to a driving range.

We stayed at the driving range for a good two hours. I, of course, had the obligatory strikes but actually all in all didn't do so bad. Not for the first time anyway. He let me borrow his glove so I wouldn't get blisters (what a sweetheart) although I didn't realize he was playing without one until we were almost finished. When I offered to give it back he kindly refused.

I ended up playing barefoot due to the fact the flip flops weren't working so well. Why had I listened to my roommate? I should have gone with my original instinct... some cute tennis shoes... oh well.

We talked about the books we enjoy reading and the our families and all kinds of stuff. Leadership in the church... frustrations... It was most enjoyable... most.

M was kind enough to go to the opposite end of the area where you drive, so that I could make a fool of myself and only he and I could laugh, not the whole of the range. Ever the gentleman! Well, we had visitors. One in particular liked to pitch alot of dirt as he sliced the ball. I was getting showered in dirt. This is the only time on the date I became paranoid. I know, it's ridiculous. It reminded me of an old Ally McBeal episode (I hated that show, only watched one) where the guy had a little bit of salad dressing on his face and it bugged her bad she pictured him the remainder of the evening, face dripping with dressing. Well, I just knew my face was going to be caked with mud between the sweat and the dirt being thrown in our direction by the guy upwind!

When we had exhausted our bucket of golf balls we packed up his clubs and headed toward the car where he once again, opened the door (I could get used to this...)

Off to Mi Cocina (two firsts in one night), a really nice mexican food restaurant. We sat down and I think it took about 45 minutes to order because we spent so much time talking. Anyway, we shut the place down. I was so impressed because M made it a point to know the waiter's name. He was so polite and made sure to say thank you, even for the small things. Like my Dad does. It was a breath of fresh air.

He talked about his witness and it was amazing... I felt like I'd finally met someone who felt like I had for so much of my life. It was awesome.

Before the evening was over, we agreed that we had to "do this again." Since then we have talked at least every other day, if not more.

He is most enjoyable.

Pigskin

The rustling of dried leaves over the pavement. Smells of chimney smoke; the quiet in the air, sounds dampened by the cool. The smell of newly sharpened lead pencils and school bells...

It's time for some pigskin.

Texas High school football is great because it's mostly just a bunch of boys playin' ball cause they want to. Sometimes because their dads want them to. Sometimes to impress a girl. But mostly, cause it's about the spirit of Friday night. It's about the floodlights in the stadium. The fight song played over a roaring crowd. The adrenaline. And for what? Some 17 year old kids. We'll go scream our heads off to pump up the ego of a 17 year old. He'll feel like a pro. That's awesome.

I love to see the glow of stadium lights on Friday. LOVE IT. It stirs something in me, makes this thing in me rise up and it takes hold of my heart.

This one's for Discom

So, Discom, you wanted me to give you some Cliff Notes. To update you on my life. Well, your recent post regarding "BJs" has inspired me. No, I was not a prostitute in a former life. Even better a wife. Yes folks. I was someone's wife. But apparently I wasn't... well, enough. So here I am. Branded for life. In the good 'ol C of C, that means I can't be saved. Not even Christ's blood is good enough for the sin of Divorce. So here I am, Red Letter and all. Capital D.

You know people tend to think that women are the one's who hold sex over men's heads and keep it from them, that we are the only culprits. WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Now, it happens more that way than the other but that does not mean that women are the only ones who use it as a weapon. Sex is not a tool. It is not a weapon. NOT a weapon.

I know that at some point in my life I knew deep down in my soul, in my heart of hearts that God made sex this beautiful, wonderful thing. But now, I have a hard time believing it. I know it. I'll tell people that all day. But I have a hard time believing it. Knowing and believing are different.

By the time it was all over, we were married 2 1/2 years and I can count on two hands the number of times we did it. And when we did it was terrible... it was like some sort of out of body experience. He may as well have been sitting across the room watching - watching and hating it. It was awful. The man had issues. Issues with a lot of stuff... like his mom. Good grief, that's a tale in itself.

And you know what really sucks... I WAITED. I WAITED DANG IT!!!! Is this what I get for waiting!?!?!?! There are millions of people out there who have sex all the freakin' time... ug. It just pisses me off.

He would tell me that sex was "gross," that it was "too messy." There were about 20 different excuses. He was too tired. He had a headache. He didn't want to hurt me. Would I really be that interested if it hurt?!?!?! And he NEVER did anything to please me. And that is no exaggeration.

And so you pray: God, help me be patient. Help me be a better wife. Help me not be so angry. Help me have a better attitude.

And then you pray for death because you've been wounded so deeply by the least suspected person and no one believes you. And then when he stops talking to you and he won't go to counseling and he fakes it to the world and the fakeness is about the make you crazy... you know what has to be done. So you start to think of ways to make it look like an accident so your parents won't be worried about what you were thinking when you went. After all, divorce is unforgivable but there are some who think suicide is sort of up in the air.

He told me once that the reason he looked at porn was because he admired the artistic qualities of it. That has to be the biggest bunch of bullsh** I've ever heard. I asked him one time if he'd ever cheated on me and his response was, "What's your definition of cheating?"

You know, I don't wish any ill will on him. I've forgiven him. I have some hurts to deal with, but I have forgiven him. Now I have to forgive myself. That's the hard part.

And the last thing he said to me before he walked out the door for the last time was, "Well, I would say I'd see you around, but I guess not."

And I'm much better off. Spiritually, physically, everything. Better off. This Ram ain't far from the flock and I ain't going to hell. I know where the Shepherd is and I'm in safe keeping.

For right now, that's all I have to say about that.

Early Morning Sydney

At a loss...

I feel at such a loss right now, that everything is coming together and falling apart all at the same time. Like worlds are ripping apart. No more UNT... no more speech path. Maybe teaching art? Maybe inner city work? God help me! Cause all I want to do is Your will but I gotta have some help.

Patience and time. Patience and time.

For those of you who pray... I would appreciate it. I need wisdom and guidance to decipher the spirits at battle around me daily. We are at war.

If You Want Me To

This is a song by Ginny Owens and it has encouraged me greatly the past few years. The first time I listened to the album this song came off of I bawled the through the whole thing. It was like she knew exactly where I was coming from! The title of this particular song is captured in heading of this post. Most of the time I can't listen to it without crying. I've decided though that crying is o.k.


The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

Chorus:
Cause I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise you’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that’s not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear you answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering your love put you through
And I will go through the valley
If you want me to

Office Depot

I run to Office Depot for work alot, mostly to their Copy Center. There are three main people who run the copy center: Eric, Jamie and Kim. When I go to Office Depot I spend more time there listening to their life stories than shopping for my boss which please me fine. I'm sure people think it strange, which pleases me as well.

Eric's wife died in February. He met her over the internet. She lived in China and he went there to marry her. I'm not sure how long they were married but she had a brain tumor and died.

No one at the office would know this because no one else takes the time to ask the simple question: How are you today Eric? I simply asked one day and got an ear full of the above. So we sent flowers to his house after the funeral. He has since then met another woman, who has a son (his last wife was barren, so this is a blessing!) and has been to China this summer to marry her. He has been gone several weeks on vacation to met and marry her. He was back this week... I was so excited to hear how things went and see pictures. She is beautiful and Eric was beaming!

Jamie is married to a wonderful man. She doesn't have to talk about how great he is. You can tell by the way it resonates in her voice. Her husband went to the Sunset school of preaching in Lubbock, Texas... how crazy! She was shocked that I knew of it. She is a doll and I enjoy visiting with her.

Kim is new to the crew. Today I listened to her talk about her pregnancy. I had no clue she was pregnant but apparently she wanted someone to know and needed someone to talk to about it. I stood there for 20 minutes after getting my copies made and listened to her. Hardly said a thing... just listened. She's 22 and has a boyfriend in Shreveport. She's planning on moving there sometime in the next few weeks. She's due in November. It sounds as though she has plenty of family and friends in Shreveport who love and support her (which is such a relief!!!)

I hope that my listening serves them in some way... I hope I minister to them in my own quiet way when standing at their service counter. Ha. That's funny. Their service counter!

can anyone tell me how to add my photo to my profile, you know, so that when I post I have a pic? I would appreciate the help!

Spiritually Scrumptious

I had lunch today with a lady I've known since middle school. Oddly enough, our paths have crossed here in the metroplex in the singles group at PC. How funny! Her and her husband are interested in working with the singles and her daughter (who is my age, we were in the youth group together years ago) is in the group I'm leading here as well.

She wanted to hear about my story and I just wanted to bask in her presence for awhile. We started out (before we even sat down to the table) and the tears began to well up... so we prayed we wouldn't cry. And lo and behold... we didn't. For two hours we talked about our deepest hurts... and didn't shed a tear. It was wonderful... discussing spiritual warfare and looking back on our lives and seeing how we have been so deceived by the Great Deceiver; how we have overcome in spite of it with the help of the Almighty and not only that but come out better for it, pain and all.

We had shrimp and fruit (an odd combination I thought at first) but it was terribly wonderful to the palate! I wish, now back at my desk, that I had some more!

Blessings... we finished our lunch with a prayer of thankfulness... and then we cried... tears of joy.

He is good. God is SO good.

And I just wanted to share his goodness with you.

The Distance

A fellow blogger has spurred me to write this... and while I have tried to keep it light lately cause my thoughts are usually weighted so (I have to have some relief somewhere...) I am inspired. Take heed: there may be a few rabbit trails along the way. So I hope you like rabbits.

I have felt, my entire life that I have been set apart. That I am called to something; chosen, even. I have understood from such a young age. Not just knowing the answers to questions, because I haven't always known, still don't. But seeing the bigger picture, the forest for the trees. I would go on youth trips and get letters weeks later from youth ministers saying how impressed they were... that they know people who were twice my age with less wisdom than me. I didn't ever think much of it really.

I used to wake up in middle school and cry every morning because I was still alive. I didn't want to be here... amidst the masses who didn't get it, who didn't appreciate or understand God. Not that I completely understood either, but at least I longed to. I would pray, o Lord, I would pray to be taken home. Finding true friends has always been a challenge and such work because it has always been such a frustration to me that people do not "get it." And disappointment gets old quickly... the heart can only take so much...

When I was baptised, I felt so clean. I remember that feeling. I remember the conviction, the urgency and the desire to tell the whole of the world about the good news I had received.

I am a wretch, LORD knows I'm a wretch. Why he ever wasted His time saving me is a conundrum but I'm glad he took me into His peace, His salvation. I cherish my redemption. Continually cleansed by the blood... what a thought, that something so crimson makes something so pristine?

Praise God.

With understanding, comes responsibility (as my brother and I often hold each other accountable to when we seem to be near the end of our ropes). So I will take on this Singles group and do my very best. After all, its all I can do. Even though by all rights I wasn't "supposed" to be in a singles group. God does have a great sense of humor doesn't He? He does work for the good... He does take our sin that separates and draws us nearer to him.

Holy, holy, holy is the LORD God Almighty, who was and is and is to come.

and His church said...

Continue Continuing On

This is for ST. She continually reminds me of what heart is. So this post is for her.

ST, since you'll probably never read this, I'll have to make it known to you in other ways. But I wanted the world to know. You've had it rough the past few years. In fact, you've had some really rough spots throughout your life. But you continue to continue. You come to work, despite your age. You come with a good attitude and joy in your heart, maybe not happiness but joy. You are special.

I enjoy our talks. I enjoy laughing with you. I enjoy our friendship and the fact that we are sisters through Christ Jesus. Eternity will be fun!

H is missing out. He is missing out on you. I am so proud that you are able to keep a smile on your face and joy in your heart because you know where your true value comes from. THANK YOU for being an example to me. Thank you for your encouragement in times when I have been in dark places and looking for the light. Thank you for listening and crying with me. Thank you for being a Godly example.

ST, you are precious... so precious! I love you! And my heart is full and overflowing at the very thought of you. I'm so thankful for your presence in my life.

We'll just keep on continuing to continue together... deal?

Take Me On a Gondola

My bro and I went to Williams Square yesterday in Las Colinas, walked around for awhile. Vented. Walked. Vented some more. In the midst of our wonderful conversation (because they always are) I noticed in the canal a boat with a man standing in back rowing it and not only that but two people inside as well. It was a real live, genuine gondola! Wow. I've only ever seen those in the movies (like in Indiana Jones). I've been thinking about how cool it was all day today. I know. I know. I'm crazy. But it was SOOOOOOOOOOOO romantic, being that we're in the city and all. The sun was setting, there was a slight breeze. Ahh... It was so cool. So, as a tribute to the gondola, here's a little ditty I wrote (to be sung to the tune of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"):

Take me on a gondola
let's float down the canal,
I don't care how much we have to pay
the money won't matter a week from today!

Just look deep into my green eyes,
are they not convincing enough?
Can't you see, that, it's meant to be
you and me, in a gondola!

O.k., so the last line is a little tricky... but it works. It works.

The Titan

Last Saturday my brother and a friend and I went to Six Flags. As a grand finale, L and I decided to ride the Titan, finish the day off right. Now, I must admit. I was scared. I was really scared. The first drop was going to be more than I was going to be able to handle... or so I thought. But nevertheless, we filed into suite with everyone else and waited. We happened to get caught in line next to two young boys, Jeremy and Sam. Jeremy was a course young boy, cursing when he thought it counted and making it known, whenever and however possible that he was a tough kid. He was by no means a wimp. Sam on the other hand, had a gentle spirit and a kind presence. Sam was smart, even wise. He had kind eyes and a genuine concern for others that could be seen from a mile away. In standing in line for the 30 or so minutes we did, the four of us got to talking. Us, twenty-somthings talking to these 11 year olds about life. Interesting. And then the time came. Sam and I were nervous. In fact, if I hadn't been working so hard at keeping Sam's mind off the impending doom, I would have been in fits.

It was our turn.

Sam looked distressed.

"Think about something else. What's your favorite thing to do?" I asked.
"anything but this!"
I smiled.
"Well, who is your favorite person to be with?"
He thought a moment.
"My parents."
"Well, think about them. What's your favorite memory with them?"
He thought again... his mind going somewhere I was unable follow.
"When I was three, in the hospital."
"What were you in the hospital for?"
"I had a brain tumor."
"Really? Did they take it out?"
"Yes. I had my last check up last year. My uncle died of the same kind of brain tumor. But mine's all gone." Sam said all of this with such a peace. His eyes tranquil.
"Well, that's good its all gone."

The train of cars for the Titan lurched and groaned to a halt right in front of us. The gates opened and we were welcomed to take our seats. L and I sat together. Jeremy and Sam in the car in front of us. Jeremy in front of L, Sam directly in front of me. The yellow bars came down over our laps and L noticed, I could not see his face, nor the top of his head, that Sam had begun to cry. We asked the attendant to make sure he was o.k. The attendant leaned over, mumbled something, Sam reached up, gave him a high five, the attendant smiled and we were off.

Scaling the height of the first drop was nothing short of unnerving. The Titan dwarfs the Texas Giant. Dwarfs it. As mentioned before, I couldn't see Sam, but Jeremy was looking around anxiously and he was attempting to communicate something to Sam. I decided to cheer the young lads on. And maybe myself as well...

"It's o.k. guys... you can do it! WE can make it!"

When we reached the top, I thought I might go out of my mind when...

And it was all a blur... BUT IT WAS FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!! That thing pulls G's!!! IT ROCKED!!!! I went from sheer, grief stricken terror to 85 mile an hour bliss!

When the rocket screeched to a halt at the end of the line I was whoopin' and hollerin' like an idiot. It was such an adrenaline rush!

"Sam, Jeremy, you guys good?"

Two hands flew back from the seat in front of me (and I was elated!)... not a sound, no words, just two hands... the universal sign... it was time to give this young man some well deserved skin. Panic again hit.

"Sam! I can't reach you!"

From the left side of his seat, a hand flew around and I flung myself forward, straining... please... I HAD TO REACH!....

POP! Five big ones for the big man Sam!

The metal snake crept up to the pavilion, released its tight grip on us and off we went. The four of us chatted all the way down the stairs. When we'd made our way out of the maze it was time to part ways. It was nearly time for the park to close and I'm sure the boys had some sort of parental figure to be meeting somewhere.

"Well, we'll see y'all later!"
Everyone just kind of looked at me. Yeah, guess that was kind of a dumb thing to say. But I wished I would see them later. It's what I would have said to my kids at the Y...

All in all, it was a good day. Rode a roller coaster for the first time with my brother, had fun with a new friend and met some cool kids.

I hope Sam and Jeremy have good parents to go home to. I know I did. If only we were all so lucky.

Like garbage, forgotten to be taken out.

Remembered -
half hazardly tossed to the dumpster
A recepticle for waste -
the excess
the unwanted
the left overs

You used what you liked, as you pleased.

Disregard me.
Dispose of me.

Are you finished?
After all this time - who knew it would be you?
Wouldn't the work have been worth it?
I guess not, if trash is all you get for your work.

So I sit, up to here in trash.

this is war

Sword heavy, unable to lift
shoulders sore, back aching
Helmet sweaty, calloused hands
Grief makes the heart faint

the clash of metal
their unfair tactics
the deception...
the smell of their sulfer...

I am weary
armor heavy, burdened by guilt
so weighted by my own sinfulness

Continuing on, must keep on
struggling to see the light,
groping for any sign of hope

Open my eyes! God show me!
Please show me and send aid!
Will it never end?

Cut off at the knees, bleeding nubs,
seemingly the last blow?

bleed out
bleed out

pooling red saltiness so I'm left to drown
and I know you are there... so why aren't you here?

And then you come to me... you are there
Legions surrounding, protecting

For a moment, oh, blessed moment!... transcending peace.

Only for a moment and then battle rages on.

For peace's time of permanence has not yet come... not yet come.
Peace's time has not yet come...

During devotional tonight, Bob talked about memories and how strongly we are tied to them. It made me think of my greatest and most cherished memories... these are some of them:

* Riding in the suberban with my family in the desert of New Mexico listening to Rush, Boston and Kansas for hours on end thinking that a trip to Carlsbad Caverns was like a trip to Disney World

* Trips to Grandmom Browning's house, listening to Ray Bradbury books on tape, looking for the red roof (when it was still red)

* Bisquets and gravy at Grandmom's house

* Coffee with my grandparents

* Digging up change for buy one get one free large limeades at Sonic, after school was out each day, with Tocarro

* Uncle Tim reading us the Grover book at Memaw & Pepaw's house, in the GROVER VOICE!!! It rocked!!!

* Flying kites at Central with my bros and Jenny

* Roller skating with Jenny... while our dogs pulled us!

* Daddy's Night Out

* Going to Wonderland with my grandparents and cousins

* Catching fireflys in jars in Tuscola

* Laying in Virda's hospital bed with her sharing secrets!

* Talking with Memaw C... anytime, any place... it's just special

Grilled Cheese Goodness

How is it that some people just can't take hints? And how is it that some evenings can be so wonderful and some SO terrible... (I really can't get over the other day... ug! how terrible! how do I get myself into these situations!!?!?) Like last night was great. Walked the dogs with my brother, made some grilled cheese and chocolate chip cookies and watched some tv. Talked to a friend about the singles ministry we're about to take leadership of and the challeges ahead. Went to bed tired and satisfied, excited with where my life is headed and whats to come. God is good.

That's all. Just thoroughly satisfied. And tired. But a good tired.

I'm so stoked. STOKED.

Praise God. "All things work for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose."

Even divorce.

Tower of Power

I wasn't going to blog about it, but I had nightmares about it and I can't get over my own stupidity... or maybe it's his own stupidity, so I'm blogging. I went on a date Saturday. The only reason it was a date is because he paid. That constitutes a date right? Paying? What the heck is a date anyway? Just the asking and the paying? Anyway, he had concert tickets and tickets to Six Flags. He picked me up, we got there and rode a ride, one I wasn't particularly thrilled about riding but did anyway. While waiting to ride the Superman Tower of Power he procedes to ask me questions. Not just any questions, but ones like, "what's your worst break-up" and whatnot. Are you serious? He knows what my worst break up is. So thus begins a whole series of questions that I am obviously not very willing to answer due to the fact that he is digging for information I am not willing to give because it's none of his business. We've only talked three time!!!! What was he doing?!?!?! When I'm ready to tell you about It, I will. Don't try to fish for information that isn't yours to catch. Gosh. So I'm feeling really accosted and attacked, really, and here we are, it's time to get on the ride. Let me tell you about the ride.

This ride takes you straight up into the air, feet dangling, plumets you to the ground and back up again - stops - and back up again, and again, all at random. You are at it's mercy. Completely at it's mercy because you don't know when it will move or what direction it will take you. I can handle roller coasters. But I HATE heights. HATE THEM. Let me repeat for emphasis. HATE THEM. HATE HATE HATE. The second we left the ground I regretted ever setting my butt on the seat of the Superman. The only time in my life I have ever been in hysterics has been my senior year of high school when I had a panic attack... I went running to relieve stress and needless to say it didn't help. I made it worse, I couldn't breathe, I got scared, scared turned to panic and so on. I had to go to the hospital. It took everything in me on Saturday to not go into hysterics. I think I was already in a emotionally heitened state and then we got onto that stupid ride and it scared me to death... I didn't trust him, I didn't trust that machine yanking me throught the air and I nearly lost it, literally. I had to mentally go somewhere else. I think that that's almost sad because I got to thinking about it and I realized that in the past three years I have done that alot. I have had to escape mentally because I couldn't handle it. I couldn't deal.

Superman flinging me around and him laughing the whole time and the knot in my stomache getting tighter and tighter and being at the mercy of him and the mercy of the ride and the whole situation... it may not sound to some people like such a big deal, but let me tell you it was aweful. But of course, me being who I am, I played if off, like it was all o.k. because that's what I do best. I practiced that well over three years. Got real good at it.

We went to eat afterwards, just to make things worse, he drove me home, I opened the car door, told him thanks and that it wasn't necessary to walk me to the door. He said it was o.k. he didn't mind.

"It's really ok." I said.
"No, I'll walk you to your door." he says.

Really? Fine. Since you can't take a hint. We walked to the door, I already have my door key out and in hand, we approach the door, I have my key outstretched and am putting it into the keyhole... am facing the door... am turning the doorknob... and I feel this arm around me... ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?!?!? I turn half way around, and he is attempting to give me a hug. Give me a break. Have I given you permission to touch me? No. Have I even given you the slightest signals that that was even desired? NO. So shove off!!!!!

And he called last night. I did not answer the phone.

Father's

I was thinking about my Dad this morning. I called and left him a message... was trying to be encouraging... not quite sure if I succeeded or not, but as they say: it's the thought that matters. Dad is currently dealing with a situation that is most troubling. And I think he feels betrayed. I think he's probably hurt. Anyway, my grandmother said that he told her that he thought this person was a friend... and she told him (the truth)that the relationship is one sided - all Dad's. Gee... this sounds familiar.

John Mayer has a song that says: "Fathers be good to your daughters, for daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers so mothers be good to your daughters too."

I have always been my Dad's daughter... no questions there. I guess I have been realizing lately how much. And like my mother as well. On Wednesday I was talking to a good friend of mine and he made the comment that I'm "always worked up." Well, people think that of my Mom too. We're just passionate people... not angry or upset, just passionate. Martin Luther was passionate! You can't change the world without being passionate. Christ was passionate! See, it's biblical. Passion is good. Most the time; the rest of the time it makes you crazy. Anyway, that was a tangent! See, another way I'm like my mother: tangents.

Back to the topic at hand, John Mayers lyrics ring true. My Dad loves people without reservation, with out expecting anything back. He just loves. Whether they wrong him or not, he loves. Whether they reciprocate or not. I am like my father in this manner. I guess I hadn't thought about it before this year, but it's true. It's almost scary how much it's true. My Dad will forever love J, even after everything that happened. Even after he lied to Dad just like he did me. We love him. We love his soul.

Thank you Dad for teaching me to love.

I love you.

Yesssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!

I GOT ACCEPTED TO THE UNIVERSITY OF NORTH TEXAS!!!!!

I'm going to art school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woooo whooooo!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because of you...

I am so sick and tired of being stabbed in the back. I'm tired of being everyone else's doormat. I'm tired of working my butt off and getting nothing in return. I'm am tired of being hurt. TIRED OF IT!!!!!! I'm not sure what it is, I'm not sure why it is but I'm sure I'm tired of it.

I have lost: three of my best friends (C, T & J who were supposed to be there. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE!!!! And J, you just gave up... AND YOU MADE VOWS, VOWS!!!!! before God and man) I've lost respect for all humanity, there have been times when I have lost the will to live... I've lost all desire to trust anyone.

I'm tired of trusting people with myself and getting SCREWED OVER!!!!!!! If you're going to talk about me, do it when I'm standing there, not when I'm not around and can't defend myself. I WAS THERE FOR YOU!!!!!! And this is how I'm repaid???!?!?!?!! What the heck? How dare you. Do you really think I wanted all this to happen, and now, instead of being there you're going to condemn me to Hell and leave me for dead. Thanks. Thanks. Because God can forgive your sin and not mine? Got the book and verse for that one? I'm sure you do... YOU HAVE MISSED THE BOAT. MISSED IT.


And then I think of Christ... and I cry.


And I'm sick of crying. And I'm sick of trying to please everyone else, because even when you do they hate you for it anyway. Sick. Sick. Sick.

She really should do commercials...

Sydney's sportin' the Doggles!

Doggles

So I bought these sunglasses for Sydney called Doggles. She wears them when we're riding in the car. The best part about this (besides her looking so cool) is the reactions of people in neighboring cars. Friday my bro, Sydney and I were on our way to my apartment from Memaw's house. My bro and I had on our boonie hats (what satisfaction) and Sydney her Doggles. At a stop light a man in a truck glanced over and started to chuckle at the sight of a dog with its head out the window... with sunglasses on! I watched as he dug around in his console for something. Sure enough, he pulled out his camera phone and took a picture! I thought it was great! Sydney and I should be in Sprint commercials. I could use the extra cash and Sydney is bound for stardom... after all, with a face like that, who wouldn't be?

At the next light we were at my brother saw a lady look over and start laughing hysterically at Sydney in her Doggles. I love it. Who knew a pair of $10 Doggles from doggles.com (those of you with dogs and Jeeps, this is a must) would bring so much happiness to so many people? I feel my $10 was not frivolous spending at all, but a way to change the world. After all, Sydney can prevent road rage with that cute face and those fabulous Doggles.

Will it never end?

I put my application into the University of North Texas about a week ago. Found out on Thursday that ACU had not sent my transcipt to them yet, so the application process was on hold. Faxed a transcript request to ACU and now I wait. I hate the wait. I have told myself that I will have peace no matter the circumstances or outcome of the situation... as I did before with UTD and the audiology program. And over all I do have peace, I just can't stand the waiting between now and then.

And to be quite honest, I'm afraid. My mind is dizzy with the "what ifs." Ug. This doesn't sound like it should be that big of a deal and in the grand scheme of things, it isn't. But in the mean time I wait. And waiting is never any fun.

Happy 4th?

I have always loved the 4th of July... from the cheesy patriotic music to the setting of of fireworks. Last night some friends and I went to watch fireworks in Addison at "Kaboom Town." Apparently they've done this for many years and people sit on the sidewalks and park their cars and trucks in empty land lots and watch the spectacular display of fireworks. We were all sitting around talking about what we used to do for the 4th when we were children and I got to thinking. And this thinking made my heart ache for days when things weren't so complicated, when chilled watermelon and a Roman Candle were the epitomy of happiness... when catching fireflies in glass jars so as to contain the magic of them for just a moment and sleeping with windows open on hot summer nights were all we knew. When the biggest upset or heartbreak was someone calling you a bad name or not wanting to play the game you wished to play.

On this 4th of July, I long for the days of the less complicated and heartbreaking. I long for the peace that comes with good friends and the best family in the world.

And while I'm not with my family, I have peace. I have good friends now and I realize I can make it. I will make it.

So, happy 4th of July everyone! I hope yours is the best one yet... and if it isn't that you realize that it can only get better. It can only get better.